Bill Dungsroman

Reported! Nintendo Nintendo? Nintendo Nintendo.

, | Games

Bonjour, pantalon interessant! Sorry about last week. Tom put me on restriction for making fun of Christian Xtein Amanpour Merzibooski Dingus’ Little Big Planet Not Really Little Big Planet columns. Apparently he actually writes about stuff not related to LBP in those! Shit, who knew! That’s what I get for only putting Bruce’s articles on my RSS feed. Ha ha, just joking! I don’t know how to set an RSS feed. Anyway I’m back and I hope this column annoys you, otherwise what the Hell is Tom paying me for?

All the way back in the 1980s a study was done analyzing 3000 top hit songs in an effort to discover what makes a hit a hit. Among the results was the fact that roughly 80% of the sampled hits began with a word repeated at least twice. Is that what gave Nintendo the inspiration to name its next-gen console the Nintendo Nintendo, to be announced at this year’s E3? Or has Iwata merely finally finished his amusing descent into money-soaked madness? We may never know. Rumors are it might even be called the Nintendo Current, because the Nintendo New Happy Time Fun You Like Box was just too silly and the Nintendo Obtuse was too on the nose. Maybe it’s all just a big in-joke from Nintendo. Assholes.

Hella in-jokes from assholes and rampant italics abuse after the jizzle. Continue reading →

Reported! Ask me about the Black Nazarene!

, | Games

Apparently some game called Brink is out, maybe you’ve heard of it? Early reviews have been less than kind, however that may be due to reviewers playing the 360 version prior to the Day 1 patch for it (since, you know, nobody can play it on the PS3… or can they?). Then again playing it on the PC is rife with the usual seemingly random technical pitfalls – this time it’s ATI graphic cards. Oh, PC gaming. You do so amuse.

As does Sony, of course. I mean, what kind of clueless jerks let themselves get hacked? Wait, someone besides Sony!

Find out what kind of non-Sony jerks get hacked after the jump. Continue reading →

Reported! Meanwhile, in Japan…

, | Games

Why the Hell aren’t you people playing Yakuza 4? It’s so goddamned joyously weird it nearly defies explanation. I mean, Yak 3 was like this (courtesy of Lizard King):

There is no way to describe this game accurately in a manner that is going to make it sound anything but ludicrous for most people, but…any game where boss fights are frequently heralded by mutual shirt ripping and flexing of lavishly illustrated yakuza tattoos and you don’t run screaming out of the madness vortex that ought to create has to be doing something right.

And Yakuza 4 is Yakuza 3 turned up to 11, simmered in man what sauce, dressed in all pink and sporting a sweet afro. I am mixing metaphors because Yakuza 4 just doesn’t give a fuck.

Mew Shoes, Noire, sexy Hillary and Ambrose Burnside’s greatest victory after the jump. Continue reading →

Reported! The conspiracy was a conspiracy!

, | Games

Listen, what I have to tell you right now must be kept in the strictest confidence. They are onto me, I can feel it. They have spies everywhere. They are legion. Soon they will overtake me and it will be as if I was never here, as if I had never spoken nor written a word. I’m talking about the front page articles, of course. What did you think I was talking about? Grab a tinfoil hat and let’s do this. Mine’s the one with the propeller sticking out of the top. Let’s blow the lid off the whole damned thing!

After the jump through the blue portal, Sony kills Osama bin Laden to cover up Donald Trump’s forged copy of Brave New World. Continue reading →

Reported! Aaaaand we’re back!

, | Features

Friday night we all held our collective breath as our beloved Qt3 moved servers. Hahaha ok well we probably looked at more porn or were true degenerates and browsed SA or GAF. I did hold my breath but that was because I ate 5 Guys for dinner (what do they put in those burgers). Anyway it was a small hiccup really and now we’re back and faster than ever! Front page game diaries will bury my column in mere minutes! Tieman’s posts will be ignored at lightning speeds! Qt3 knows a thing or two about this whole internet thing, fella.

Speaking of internet jokes: Sony. Am I right or what?

More on gaming’s special needs child after the jump. Continue reading →

Reported! I have no idea what rape has to do with my puppet!

, | Games

There is no face with proportionate palm expansive enough to express the internet tactical error repeatedly committed by rajah sulayman, a hyper-defensively sincere yet profoundly naive photographer of cute homeless girls, himself, and puppets (no really, puppets ). Sorry raj , the internet has a will and way of its own and internet bullying has always been this bad. “Was (impending forum) ‘rape’ the first thing to pop into your head?” It was when I read the titles to all of your threads, man!

More schadenfreude after the seitesprung! Continue reading →

Reported! Don’t let the wife catch you reading this!

, | Features

Quick, read this before it gets buried under the rest of the Front Page spam errrr content! No really I love Little Big Planet! Heh!  

It wouldn’t be the internet we all know and partially loathe if it didn’t have threads where selfish people whine about their relationship dysfunctions like petulant babymen and are thusly called out by clueless social mutants who compensate for their own empty lives by criticizing the lives of others. Games are tearing this house apart!  

And it wouldn’t be Qt3 if we all didn’t show how cheap and old we were and pretended like the computer age never happened and even if it did, it disappeared in the mid-1990’s. Wow, guys.  

More objects of scorn and ridicule after the jump. Continue reading →

Reported! Release the Bill Dungsroman!

, | Features

Oh, hi! Bill here. Tom passed out on the floor of his living room (he had a few too many wine coolers, poor fella) shortly after shockingly asking me to contribute to the front page of his Fidgit blog or whatever, which I thought was pretty bold of him. The conversation went something like this:

Tom: “Hey man, you know what would be awesome? If you wrote for the front page of Quarterttothree!”

Me: “Dude you just threw up all over your stuffed animals. Wait, what did you just say?”

Tom: “You heard me. The front page. I think you might be able to keep pace with the talent level I’ve got going there. You could kinda point out and comment on the popular or interesting threads in the forums, like the Usenet Therapy columns on Gamecenter used to do.”

Me: “What’s the catch?”

Tom: “There’s no catch! Did you move my bottle of pink lemonade Schnapps? Oh, there it is. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. You can do and say whatever you want.

Me: “…”

Tom: “Oh I feel all spinny! Be right back.” *Never returns*

After the jump, Bill ruins Quarter to Three Continue reading →