Reported! Nintendo Nintendo? Nintendo Nintendo.

, | Games

Bonjour, pantalon interessant! Sorry about last week. Tom put me on restriction for making fun of Christian Xtein Amanpour Merzibooski Dingus’ Little Big Planet Not Really Little Big Planet columns. Apparently he actually writes about stuff not related to LBP in those! Shit, who knew! That’s what I get for only putting Bruce’s articles on my RSS feed. Ha ha, just joking! I don’t know how to set an RSS feed. Anyway I’m back and I hope this column annoys you, otherwise what the Hell is Tom paying me for?

All the way back in the 1980s a study was done analyzing 3000 top hit songs in an effort to discover what makes a hit a hit. Among the results was the fact that roughly 80% of the sampled hits began with a word repeated at least twice. Is that what gave Nintendo the inspiration to name its next-gen console the Nintendo Nintendo, to be announced at this year’s E3? Or has Iwata merely finally finished his amusing descent into money-soaked madness? We may never know. Rumors are it might even be called the Nintendo Current, because the Nintendo New Happy Time Fun You Like Box was just too silly and the Nintendo Obtuse was too on the nose. Maybe it’s all just a big in-joke from Nintendo. Assholes.

Hella in-jokes from assholes and rampant italics abuse after the jizzle.

I know and you know and I know you know it’s coming: E3, baby! And you know what means. Everyone makes fun of the new tech, retread game catalogs, and awkward conferences and we are all once again reminded that if insanity was legal tender, Konami could build an elevator to the moon like they’ve always secretly wanted. Spend the preliminary days getting drunk with Joel or punching Andy Bates in the face. OK, I’m just kidding about that. It’s too late to attend Joel’s shindig.

My favorite thing to comment on in the Qt3 forums is what games we’re all playing. The Witcher 2 has quickly climbed from the depths of its awkward release to the austere heights of aw-yeah action RPGgasm. The Roguelike du jour is Dungeons of Dredmor, because we all know the only good Roguelikes have the word “dungeon” in their names. Then there’s Frozen Synapse, which is hooking in a lot of Qt3ers. Feel free to join one of the many tournaments they’re running. Also, going old school is part of what makes Qt3 Qt3, so we’re always excited about GoG announcements. Aw hell naw, did they just say EA games? Cuz I think they said EA games. Conversely to mentioning all the games we are playing, there’s also the games we aren’t playing. Like Duke Nukem. We aren’t playing that. We’re never playing that. Only retarded people will play that. Don’t be a retard and play Duke Nukem.

I thought this was the summer of awesome movies. Where are the awesome movies? I was promised awesome movies. So far all I’ve gotten is Thor which was decent, and Pirates of the Oh Who Cares Anymore which was a muddle forced clusterfuck even by PotC film standards. I guess I’ll go see the new X-Men film because it’s getting good reviews and it has January Jones in lingerie. Fellas, trust me: it’s always January in Bill’s house.

Ready yourselves, because Qt3 now has three, count ’em three ways to completely ruin your enjoyment of George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series: the book thread, which features commentary by confessed Asperger’s Syndromites like HRose, the spoiler TV series thread which features commentary by Grand Elite Swordmaster Sir Digby, and the only one spoiler per thread page TV series thread, which features a rotating lineup of asshole babymen who like ruining things for other people. Next to porn, that’s pretty much what the internet is for anyway.

Oh, I see Politics and Religion is talking about the usual stuff: insane Libertarians, cocks, and insufficiently gay gays. Alright, I fibbed a little. Usually the gays are way too gay for anyone’s taste. Who says we aren’t progressing?

Now you can join Stroker Ace in his quest to make fun of how flabby and out of shape you are by dominating you in Fitocracy, an unholy melding of level-grinding and achievement-whoring with fitness. Is there a level -1 with an achievement for only eating half a box of Krispy Kremes?

That’s all I got, Sweetums. Tune in next week when my entire column will be about nothing but E3! I’m serious! That’s all I’m talking about!

Want more Bill Dungsroman? Get it at The Frip and the Dead.