Reported! I have no idea what rape has to do with my puppet!

, | Games

There is no face with proportionate palm expansive enough to express the internet tactical error repeatedly committed by rajah sulayman, a hyper-defensively sincere yet profoundly naive photographer of cute homeless girls, himself, and puppets (no really, puppets ). Sorry raj , the internet has a will and way of its own and internet bullying has always been this bad. “Was (impending forum) ‘rape’ the first thing to pop into your head?” It was when I read the titles to all of your threads, man!

More schadenfreude after the seitesprung!

Fuck you, Valve. No, no REALLY. Fuck you. How much more do we have to prove that we are all your little trick monkeys ready to dance when you ring the bell? Ha ha ha, Hell even if you don’t ring it! Fuck it! Wooo! Buy more games! OK! Play them now, as fast as you can! Yes! Mothafuckin’ potatoes! Oh god, yes, yes my benevolent but obtuse oberherr! You get the picture. And you, and me, and we are all he and he is champing at the bit to play Portal 2 and find out the ARG is actually for Half-Life 2 Episode 3 and the only way to unlock the game early is to play all the Railworks expansions. All of them. In order. Each one has a potato.

Speaking of simian tuber-huffing game drones, way too many of you bought Homefront and I hate all of you for being officially part of the problem. Oh, just go play with your Pokemans instead and leave me the Hell alone.

Speaking of (forever) alone, you would have to be a complete antisocial imbecile to pay cash money to sit in a theater full of deluded Randroids and watch the Atlas Shrugged adaptation. Oh, well, Anti-Bunny went, so there we go.

Ah, if only Anti-Bunny. If only.

America is on the verge of total bureaucratic deadlock but that minor inconvenience isn’t going to stand in the way of the relentless fists of justice! Something must be done NOW about these online poker players! Action is mandated for guys who tell racy jokes and pretend kids witnessed them! Rest easy, America. Two of your branches may be hopeless but the judiciary stands as firm as Strom Thurmond’s trouser gavel.

Poor Brian Rubin. Watching him attempt to DIY repair his PC after the PSU dies is the hardware equivalent of Charlie Brown unraveling after writing his pen pal, reduced to scribbling on his own face in stark bewilderment. Rubin’s common sense: “Oh, I needed that? I threw it out”. In all fairness, he offers a bit of thanks. This annoying smiley face is for you, Bee Arr!

Lastly, do not ever and I mean ever so much as glance at your telephone, cell phone, walkie-talkie, CB, or your neighbor across the street who insists on using semaphore in gameoverman’s presence, lest you be subject to a stern lecture on how it disrupts his android socio-behavioral algorithms. What will his overlords think when he finally beams back to his home planet? That we’re a bunch of rude jerks, that’s what.

Well, that’s all Billy Big Mouth has for you this week. Tune in next Monday when I call out everyone who doesn’t like the Game of Thrones adaptation by name (and probably make fun of their penises).

Want more Bill Dungsroman? Get it at The Frip and the Dead.