Reported! Meanwhile, in Japan…

, | Games

Why the Hell aren’t you people playing Yakuza 4? It’s so goddamned joyously weird it nearly defies explanation. I mean, Yak 3 was like this (courtesy of Lizard King):

There is no way to describe this game accurately in a manner that is going to make it sound anything but ludicrous for most people, but…any game where boss fights are frequently heralded by mutual shirt ripping and flexing of lavishly illustrated yakuza tattoos and you don’t run screaming out of the madness vortex that ought to create has to be doing something right.

And Yakuza 4 is Yakuza 3 turned up to 11, simmered in man what sauce, dressed in all pink and sporting a sweet afro. I am mixing metaphors because Yakuza 4 just doesn’t give a fuck.

Mew Shoes, Noire, sexy Hillary and Ambrose Burnside’s greatest victory after the jump.

Yakuza 4 has so much to offer, it’s almost impossible to mention it all. Drunken Mahjong! Hostess training! Degenerate gambling! Shoes that meow like a cat when you walk in them! Combat moves taught by creeps who steal women’s underwear! Transvestite rape revenge with a rolled up porno mag! I’m sorry, but any game that lets you a hostess who moonlights as an embalmer because…aw fuck, I don’t wanna spoil it. I’ll let Angie Gallant seal the deal here.

Section 8 has shipped to tide FPS MP lovers over until Brink hits (tomorrow!). Beware, purchasing it through Steam is a better route for PC players than GfWL (but you knew that, because GfWL is complete ass). frank austin gives a pretty fair take on it:

I would put it below Crysis/Warhead, but I have never subjected myself to 2 or Homefront. The plot is dumb, and the gameplay is still essentially the multiplayer in tiny chunks.

But hey it’s only $15 and it’s fun in MP. Plus you can join the Qt3 clan here and the Steam community here and get your Swarm on.

DYK? Rockstar announced LA Noire over 4 years ago and it is finally about to ship. The good news is it sounds awesome (according to my secret inside sources). The bad (for 360 players) is that it’s gonna ship on 3 discs. Silver lining to this is that the game is enormous and loaded with content (and naked corpse fondling).

League of Legends is still going strong and Jason McMaster has taken time from writing Gears fanfic to start a handy LoL character build thread.

There is only one goddamned movie worth seeing this week and it is Thor. Have fun explaining to your significant other how a mythical Norse god is friends with Iron Man and the Hulk!

Many thanks to Qt3 poster tiohn for cluing us into the Smithsonian Institute’s sweet poll for Best Civil War Facial Hair. Ambrose Burnside is the runaway winner but I have a soft spot in my heart for John McAllister Schofield, the Father of the Goonbeard.

The rest of this column is paid for by the Committee to Tell Donald Trump and People Who Think The Birthers Are Onto Something to Shut the Fuck Up:

Haha, Fox News. Am I right? Sigh.

In the Bloodthirsty Americans Celebrate Bin Laden’s Death With a Bacchanalia of…Well I Dunno Really But Nobody Likes Happy Americans thread, Janster muses:

It is troublesome that he wasn’t taken alive, that part may have been dangerous, however its something the police often manage to do in similar situations.

Well gosh he might be onto something there! Read the thread to find out (I dare you).

In other Bin Laden-related news, Americans are still irrationally Arabaphobic. Being afraid of Muslims dressed in traditional garb as potential Al Qaeda operatives is like non-Americans being afraid of white people in blue jeans and NASCAR T-shirts as being members of the Klu Klux Klan. One step forward, two steps back.

Also, Hillary Clinton is too sexy for the Jews. What, like I have to point this out?

That’s all for now, pervs. F5 the front page and I’ll be gone before you know it!

Want more Bill Dungsroman? Get it at The Frip and the Dead (I promise I am going to update more!).