Reported! Release the Bill Dungsroman!

, | Features

Oh, hi! Bill here. Tom passed out on the floor of his living room (he had a few too many wine coolers, poor fella) shortly after shockingly asking me to contribute to the front page of his Fidgit blog or whatever, which I thought was pretty bold of him. The conversation went something like this:

Tom: “Hey man, you know what would be awesome? If you wrote for the front page of Quarterttothree!”

Me: “Dude you just threw up all over your stuffed animals. Wait, what did you just say?”

Tom: “You heard me. The front page. I think you might be able to keep pace with the talent level I’ve got going there. You could kinda point out and comment on the popular or interesting threads in the forums, like the Usenet Therapy columns on Gamecenter used to do.”

Me: “What’s the catch?”

Tom: “There’s no catch! Did you move my bottle of pink lemonade Schnapps? Oh, there it is. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. You can do and say whatever you want.

Me: “…”

Tom: “Oh I feel all spinny! Be right back.” *Never returns*

After the jump, Bill ruins Quarter to Three

Games, or If It’s Not Made For the PC, I’m Not Liss en iiiiing
What’s Qt3 playing? A lot of stuff of course, but Minecraft, The Sims Medieval, Dragon Age 2, Blood Bowl, Tactics Ogre, Rift, League of Legends (with bonus Pogo vs. idrisz flamewar), and Madden are getting the lion’s share of community play. People are still playing Dominions 3 in what has to be Qt3’s largest thread ever. Like crack cocaine, people are still using WoW but nobody likes to make a big deal about it or make eye contact with any of the addicts. We just kind of sweep it under the rug while they argue about de-buffing their Tauren pallys and camping for an epic mob instance or whatever. I heard at level 80 your cats learn how to feed themselves! Some people are playing the Facebook-based Dragon Age game, Legends, because…I honestly have no idea. Did you people play every other game already? Why are you playing Facebook games? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Gamestop buys Impulse, which is all the excuse Qt3 needs to grandstand about boycotting, slam Steam and tell Brad Wardell how to run his own business. Did I mention Foxstab is a retard? Star Ruler players are dismayed to find the game is being pulled from Impulse as a result of this, and Star Ruler developer Firgof stops by to explain the decision. Speaking of Brad Wardell, Hitler. Wait I meant, speaking of Brad Wardell, the Elemental thread rolls comically along because people hate themselves (at least that is my best guess).

Nintendo’s 3DS is out and it’s making whiny babies cry. Ha ha, Nintendo. Who cares about THEM anyway? What is this, QuarterToFeedingTime? Grow up and play Bulletstorm and Homefront, you losers!

Movies, or Fuck alexlitel With a Rolled-Up Rob Merritt Superhero Movie List
If you have Netflix, the Instant View thread is always being updated with solid recommendations (a thread for films in general also exists and is a good source). If you use Blockbuster or Red Box, leave the internet immediately before you find out geocities was taken down. If you live in Canada and have to use Canadian Netflix, kill yourself (poor Canada/fuck Rogers).

Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch opens to rave reviews and Qt3 falls all over itself praising it. Just kidding, it’s horrible and anyone who likes it has objectively broken taste in film and probably hates women. Naturally, some people admit their predilection for misogynistic shit film masquerading to be thought-provoking blockbuster action fare. The rest of us are going to see Source Code, because it looks great and Spoofychop doesn’t like it, and he’s always wrong.

Hardware and Technical Support, or Let Me Google That For You
The iPad 2, rooting Droid, and putting Firefox 4 back in the over until it’s done are the main points of interest. Yeah, that’s all I got. Hardware and tech is such a nice young man!

Politics & Religion, or Lum and Lizard_King Win Again
The best P&R threads serve as news aggregates for current events, where breaking news relevant to any single event is linked and discussed in the thread. Lum’s Libya thread is a great example of this and is a relatively tame thread by P&R standards because really, who the fuck likes Libya and Qaddafi? Jason McCullough’s Wisconsin thread is a little more combative, mostly because Tim Partlett never met a McCullough post that didn’t make him throw up and some people still defend the conservative agenda and Teabaggers. There’s no accounting for taste but on the plus side, Qt3 posters Raife, shmtur, and mystery are actually there fighting the good fight (and taking sweet pics — zombie protest yesssssss). Jon Rowe may also be there but he’s too busy eating triple Whoppers and making shit-awful podcasts about his belly button lint.

OK, I lied. The best P&R threads — really, any Qt3 thread — are ones where someone paints a giant sloppy target over their ass. What happened, Germany? You used to be cool. Now you just make good cars and bad porn. We have a Japan for that. Did all of your smart people die in WW2? Why are all the Germans on Qt3 morons? Such a mystery may never be solved, but in the meantime we can all point and laugh at newbrof, who seems to think chaining himself to a tree (on his day off) and voting a local politician out of office is like the Middle Eastern revolution if it broke out in the middle of Japan’s earthquake, fought the tsunami, and won.

Everything Else, or Enidigm Only Dates Vampires on Ambien
If the EE forum is any barometer of what the typical Qt3 poster enjoys, then we’re all a bunch of drunk blogcasters linking stupid youtube videos, pics, gifs and macros, arguing sports and overflowing with random thoughts regarding our terrible OKCupid profiles. So, we’re the Internet. Yay!

Also, RyanMichael gives up everything that makes life worth living so his poop will stop smelling funny, or something. Tease him before he dies of cancer or boredom here.

A quick bit heartfelt moment of silence for fallen Qt3 member Mink Staccato. I hope you’re in a better place and playing all the pinball you want. Your skills were too good for this mortal plane.

That’s all for now. I’ll show Tom what he’s wrought when he comes to…after he finishes blow drying his teddy bears, at any rate. If he doesn’t kill me I’ll be here next week. Tip the waitress and don’t feed the stusser!