Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: Marley takes a horse

, | Game diaries

I continually forget what I am doing every time I reload my game so I have half a million quests going at the same time. It’s gotten so bad that I end up in a town talking to a random NPC who has a quest for me that hey, I’ve already done, so here is this thing you wanted. Clairvoyance ain’t got nothing on me!

After the jump, magiclessness, butterfly mangling, and a new friend Continue reading →

Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: neither rain, nor sleet, nor dragon

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Completely by accident I find myself doing part of the main quest. I was just hopping up a mountain (can I say how much I miss the crazy jumping in Oblivion?). I didn’t expect the god damn Gray Beards to be there. But now that I’m here, I might as well go learn their stupid dragon word thing. I actually always forget about the shouts so I never, ever use them, and it takes me a couple of tries to actually learn the wind one because I had the first shout set on the button I kept using and this was apparently not impressing the guys in the robes. I figure out how to set the wind shout on the button to push myself forward and they tell me to go to some crypt to do something else but screw that, I make my own decisions! So I ditch that place and decide to go wandering around way to the north where I haven’t discovered anything yet.

Afer the jump, I discover Skyrim: Alaska Continue reading →

Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: she won’t like you

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I have discovered that the best way to level up is to find yourself in an area that is incredibly high level completely by accident while wandering around looking for things to collect. It’s also really frustrating, but here is where my hobby pays off. You see, I could care less about the main quest or really any sub-quests. What I actually love is stealing food. And some of the food, while ridiculous heavy, is amazingly good at giving you back health.

Wolves and cheese after the jump Continue reading →

Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: maps is hard

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After selling off my stuff at the local store I decide to go find the town that will let me join the thieves guild. After all, I’m awesome at stealing and I want a group of people to acknowledge that. Since the local soldiers don’t seem to, I need to find this place ASAP so that I stop having all my stolen goods confiscated.

After the jump, finding this place Continue reading →

Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: children are the future

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After killing a horse, I pick flowers for a bit on my way back to not-vikings town and then decide to just fast travel. This town is really kind of a pain to get around, but I find my way back to the throne room in time to hear all about how a dragon has been seen, blah blah, I’m supposed to go help. No thank you, sir! Instead, I think I’ll wander around taking everything I can find that’s worth something and/or food. For whatever reason 99% of the stuff in here is free to take! That is awesome! I have a particular penchant for taking foodstuffs, so I load up on potatoes and carrots. You never know when you’re going to need to break out a really awesome stew in the wilderness, but to my dismay I keep getting overloaded and have to drop kettles in hallways. Even though I can take most things freely, I still decide to steal the things that are off limits in display cases. I’m pretty damn good at that unlock game.

Eventually I’ve bankrupted the people that live there and I head outside where I run immediately into a little girl that tells me in a really snotty tone that she’s not afraid of me even though I’m her elder.

After the jump, I punch the brat in the face. Continue reading →

Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: horses make you stupid

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After getting my assignment I decide to hit the local shops to see what’s up with them. I’m a bit short on gold since these people apparently don’t know brooms are the shit but I meet a nice girl smith who won’t stop talking about her father. Whatever. I am not here to be your therapist. She instructs me on how to use a couple of the equipment-things around, basically by giving me free shit and then being like ‘return to me when you have done something useful!’ Where ‘useful’ is ‘create a bunch of leather strips’. I don’t know what they do for fun in this town and now I really don’t want to.

After the jump, time to get out of here! Continue reading →

Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: before the beginning

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Before I start to play, let me tell you what I want from this game, having read nothing about it and having avoided almost all commercials for it:

I want to be friends with dragons and kill the fuck out of horses.

Before everyone is like “oh no horses are majestic, gentle creatures of wonder” let me remind you that horses can’t a> fly, b> breathe fire or some other thing, c> get out of the fucking way when you’re swinging a sword. Whereas dragons can a> fly, b> breathe fire or some other thing, and c> who cares if they get out of the way, they’re fucking dragons. They have scales and a way higher AC.

My character will be Isabelle, the Horse Assassin of Imperial City who was run out of town because she was so good at her job that it led to a horse shortage. She was run out instead of locked up because all the fast walking people had to do between towns meant that their cholesterol levels went way down and due to wolf, bear, and bandit attacks over-population no longer is a problem.

So she’s off to Skyrim to make friends with some dragons and kill some motherfucking horses.

Tomorrow: the more brooms you have

When not killing horses, Marley enjoys fixing computers, digging up ancient civilizations, acting in terrible webisodes, and cats.