Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: horses make you stupid

After getting my assignment I decide to hit the local shops to see what’s up with them. I’m a bit short on gold since these people apparently don’t know brooms are the shit but I meet a nice girl smith who won’t stop talking about her father. Whatever. I am not here to be your therapist. She instructs me on how to use a couple of the equipment-things around, basically by giving me free shit and then being like ‘return to me when you have done something useful!’ Where ‘useful’ is ‘create a bunch of leather strips’. I don’t know what they do for fun in this town and now I really don’t want to.

After the jump, time to get out of here!

So I figure out how to get to the map, which is not helped by the fact that I sit across the room from the screen and the font is fucking tiny. I’m sorry I don’t own a beanbag chair, Bethesda, or a smaller room. Is this all a conspiracy to get me to buy a bigger TV? I suppose Christmas is coming and it’s a better investment than, say, horse armor. Secret Santa, are you listening? Something the size of a wall might do it.

Anyway, I get to the first of the many dungeon-crawl-type things I will be doing and like the previous game there’s a big maze-like crypt or something I have to go through. I’m pretty sure I end up doing it backwards, but I start really enjoying the bow and arrow set I got in not-vikings town. I’m taking those fuckers out like the assassin I will eventually become! They don’t even see me before they’re dead! Or since they were zombie creatures, deader. I actually have a lot of fun in the twists and turns of this thing and with the few puzzles they’ve set up. I particularly enjoy the lanterns that can set floor oil on fire, but every fucking time I never notice them until I’ve already shadow-shot everything that moved.

I get through the quest fine and explore to heap treasure upon myself by desecrating the dead, so all in all not a bad time despite the controls being a bit wonky. I swear half the time I went to loot a corpse I ended up dragging it around or standing on top of it so it kept moving so I couldn’t loot it. I also don’t seem to understand how leveling points works, but that’s fine, I’ll save them all up till I figure it out. Why yes, I would like a stamina increase so I can carry more stolen things, thank you.

As I stumble my way back to town I come across a horse in the wilderness. It’s just standing there doing nothing. Typical horse. But okay, I’ll take the bait. Let’s ride somewhere since it’s taking me forever to remember how to call up the map and I like seeing the countryside anyway!

Oh I can’t fast travel because there are enemies nearby? And I can’t fight while on the horse because horses make you stupid. So I get off and bam, skeletons attack!

But luckily my horse is pretty capable and before I can even turn around, it has killed both of them! Awesome job horse! Maybe I have misjudged horses in gen…

…don’t you fucking walk away from me!

I SAID DON’T WALK AWAY FROM ME!

Fucking horses.

Up next: children are the future
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When not killing horses, Marley enjoys fixing computers, digging up ancient civilizations, acting in terrible webisodes, and cats.