Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: she won’t like you

, | Game diaries

I have discovered that the best way to level up is to find yourself in an area that is incredibly high level completely by accident while wandering around looking for things to collect. It’s also really frustrating, but here is where my hobby pays off. You see, I could care less about the main quest or really any sub-quests. What I actually love is stealing food. And some of the food, while ridiculous heavy, is amazingly good at giving you back health.

Wolves and cheese after the jump

So while wandering around if I find myself getting attacked by an ice wolf at level 10, I can survive it by downing cheese. That’s an A++ image right there: as a wolf attacks, I have a bow in one hand, idly circling around the frothing beast as I shove cheese into my face with the other. It also helps that I’m an anti-social sociopath who only uses bows and arrows, so I can usually sneak kill something before it gets near me. But there’s always the cheese option should that fail.

However, when I’m in towns my anti-social tendencies don’t stop everyone and their fucking mother from trying to tell me their life story every time I go to see if I can sell them something. This includes all the standoffish ladies that you come across in the game who are like “I don’t talk to people and I don’t need to give you the time of day! And here is a long explanation as to why I am this way!”


Bunch of fucking chatty bastards in this world. They really Tasha Yarr’d it up with Sapphire the NPC and I found myself really disappointed with the canned responses I was given. Where was the “Cry me a fucking river” option or the “No, please do go on about the rape barn” option. I am a fucking horse assassin and master thief. If I had a motto it would be “she won’t like you” because I won’t like you. I like gold. Plain and simple. And if you’re going to make me stand there and listen to your god damn life story when I only wanted directions, I’m going to try to make it as uncomfortable as possible for you until you trail off, stop making eye contact, and let me go back to stealing all the fucking food from your house.

I did solve one of my main problems, always being overloaded, by buying my first house and then dumping all the 200 pounds of dragon scales and bones I had in a chest in there. I still find myself overloaded all the time, due to stealing whatever I can possibly get my sticky hands on every time I enter any sort of building, and like to imagine that I stuff everything into my shirt and pants so when I come back downstairs I’m fifty times rounder with random shapes sticking out of my clothes, limping and dragging my feet under the weight of the stolen silverware I just acquired. But everyone is so god damn terrified of me they don’t dare ask what I’m doing and they just say polite things like “I have heard of your honeyed words” or “Guard might get nervous, a woman approaches with a weapon drawn.”

Except for this one guy, who keeps telling me he can’t believe I dared show my face around here because blahblahblah.

I will fucking kill you, guy. Lizard, horse. Same difference.

Up next: neither rain, nor sleet, nor dragons
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When not killing horses, Marley enjoys fixing computers, digging up ancient civilizations, acting in terrible webisodes, and cats.