Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: maps is hard

, | Game diaries

After selling off my stuff at the local store I decide to go find the town that will let me join the thieves guild. After all, I’m awesome at stealing and I want a group of people to acknowledge that. Since the local soldiers don’t seem to, I need to find this place ASAP so that I stop having all my stolen goods confiscated.

After the jump, finding this place

It takes for-fucking-ever to get there and I’m going through parts of the wilderness that I’m probably not supposed to be doing until a later level. My map really, really wants me to go some place else to further the main quest, but I’m not interested in killing any more dragons right now. I just want to indulge in some petty crime. What’s the problem with that? I have to go around a mountain or ten, I get attacked by wolves, a fucking huge spider at one point, some bandits, a big cougar thing, and those rat things occasionally. But for the most part I’m not having much trouble since I adopt a strategy of: if I see something move, I stop and shoot at it before it sees me and attacks.

This works for the most part, except for the time I decide to try to take a shortcut over a mountain and see something moving in the distance. I take out my bow and arrow and start shooting at it. And shooting at it. And it’s coming towards me. About this time Adam says, “…are you shooting a giant?”

Whoops! It looks like I am. And now his friends are coming over! I quickly turn and jump down the mountain and start running for my fucking life. Thankfully, I am not overburdened for once and make a clean getaway into town. Almost immediately everyone is all “this town is shady!!!!” and even the guards try to con me, but I find the guy I’m supposed to talk to easily enough. He arranges an elaborate ruse so I can prove that I can steal shit and while I find it exciting at first, that sort of dies when it turns out hiding is a problem because someone is always fucking looking at you. Not only that, but after his whole speech is over and I still haven’t finished the quest, everyone just conveniently hangs around in their places until I figure out how to get it done. It’s really pretty nice of them to all get together and make sure I succeed, but I feel a little pandered to. Then everyone is telling me how sick I look and hell, I probably have rabies and feline AIDS at this point since I’ve been bitten so many times on the way here. I down a potion of cure disease, finish proving I can be a thief so long as people continue to patiently look the other way as I finish pick pocketing them, and I get invited to the super secret thief bar. Hooray!

That would be the last hooray of the day.

It turns out this place is a pain in the fucking ass to find and then get out of because of the fucking maps in this game being absolutely god damn useless. I almost decide to give up and go become a priest devoted to charity instead, but I can’t find my fucking way out of the fucking sewer because of the fucking map and I can’t fucking fast travel from this god damn fucking location argh why am I playing this stupid game, I could just go get this frustrated trying to do math!

After calling it some names, I call upon The Google and figure it out. But really guys, why should I be doing that if there’s a specific option in the game called Map? Do you know how many flowers I could’ve collected in the time I spent wandering around that fucking place? Alchemists will weep for ages. Motherfucking potions of tame dragon will never be invented now.

Nice job. Jerks.

Up next: she won’t like you
Click here for the previous entry of Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses

When not killing horses, Marley enjoys fixing computers, digging up ancient civilizations, acting in terrible webisodes, and cats.