Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: before the beginning

, | Game diaries

Before I start to play, let me tell you what I want from this game, having read nothing about it and having avoided almost all commercials for it:

I want to be friends with dragons and kill the fuck out of horses.

Before everyone is like “oh no horses are majestic, gentle creatures of wonder” let me remind you that horses can’t a> fly, b> breathe fire or some other thing, c> get out of the fucking way when you’re swinging a sword. Whereas dragons can a> fly, b> breathe fire or some other thing, and c> who cares if they get out of the way, they’re fucking dragons. They have scales and a way higher AC.

My character will be Isabelle, the Horse Assassin of Imperial City who was run out of town because she was so good at her job that it led to a horse shortage. She was run out instead of locked up because all the fast walking people had to do between towns meant that their cholesterol levels went way down and due to wolf, bear, and bandit attacks over-population no longer is a problem.

So she’s off to Skyrim to make friends with some dragons and kill some motherfucking horses.

Tomorrow: the more brooms you have

When not killing horses, Marley enjoys fixing computers, digging up ancient civilizations, acting in terrible webisodes, and cats.