Video games are mainstream now. Everyone and his girlfriend has a Wii. You’d almost think games were socially acceptable. That’s why I only play old games. As long as I stick with ugly graphics and byzantine interfaces, nobody will mistake me for someone who has a job, a relationship, or self-respect. And no game has uglier graphics or a more byzantine interface than Nethack.
After the jump, a brief word of explanation for those who have experienced physical exercise in the last 25 years. Continue reading →
See that multicolored blobby stuff floating out there, son? Those are black boxes, and they contain data, which some would say is more valuable than rez or goons. Data is what helps us make bigger and better weapons, armor, shields and even ships. Best way to collect data is by destroying other ships, so get out there, son, and make with the mayhem…
As I’ve said before, there are three resources in Space Pirates and Zombies: Rez, goons and data. While Rez allows you to purchase blueprints and create ships, and goons allow you to pilot those ships and repair them, data is where things really get interesting. Data is the currency of the RPG portion of the game, in which you level up and gain research points as well as designs for new ships to employ. While we’ve taken a look at the combat and factional elements of Space Pirates and Zombies, we’ll now take a look at the RPG elements that keep me coming back for more.
After the jump…in space, no one can hear you level Continue reading →
Glorious battle seems to have eluded me all throughout this playthrough. All I ask for is a single gigantic siege that results in my kingdom taking an important city from the enemy. Sadly, it seems I was late to that party this time around, as Count Gharmall, the new marshal, is interested only in sitting on the border with the Sarranids until everyone gets tired and decides to sign a peace treaty.
After the jump, disappointment doesn’t last forever Continue reading →
I’ve merely opened a fraction of the solar systems found in my galaxy (there are about 200 in total and vary from game to game). On the map, each system has a number associated with it, which is the level you’ll need to achieve in order to break the blockade (if you wish you fight your way through; there are others ways). Each system has two factions, civilians and the UTA (don’t ask me what it stands for, I don’t remember) and each gate is blockaded by the UTA, and each system has a station for each faction, and these can sometimes house blueprints which you’ll need to gain better equipment. You need to be nice nice with the folks you wanna buy this stuff from, which is where the fun begins…
After the jump, I’ll tell you which one of you I like… Continue reading →
I’d originally wanted to call this “death in the desert,” but was stymied by the foul Sarranids who launched an assault on one of our positions in the middle of Khergit territory (who, being modeled after the Mongolians, have territory that strongly resembles the steppes of Eurasia). Marshal Raichs ordered us to move up and drive the Sarranids off, so my army of 50 joined the 300 troops of Lords Raichs and Tribidan to launch our assault on the besieged position.
Enemy engaged after the jump Continue reading →
Do you like the smell of adventure…in space? Of course you do. See that big ship up there? That’s the Clockwork. New ship, good ship, gonna get us out of this backwater mess of a Sol system and explore the universe, it is. All we need is some ore, a good crew, and data to keep upgrading her. What do you say, son, are you ready to become a…space pirate? (dun dun DUN)
Listen up you primitive screw heads. Because after the jump, it…is my boom…ship…? Continue reading →
After last week’s Debacle at Senuzgda, it was necessary to take a trip around the world on a quest for personal growth. Without gaining valuable combat and weapon experience, I was not going to be able to fulfill my goals, as my capture and subsequent imprisonment had made painfully clear. My ultimate goal is to become either a lord with some land directly to my name or the wife of a lord who already possesses land, which would allow me to use his domain as my own.
First, though, I need to get in the good graces of the kingdom. That means doing work for Rhodok lords.
After the jump: oh joy. Continue reading →
As required by law, after getting the you-win! endscene, Clutch dumps you back into the city. Its story is done, and has no further demands on me. Everything after that is just play. All doors are now open to me, as demonstrated literally above.
There’s a few more goals to chase down, both for in-game rewards and out of general principle. I can replay any of the story missions to get a higher rating if I didn’t come in first in the first place, and likewise proceed further in the side events. I can of course buy all the remaining upgrades, acquire the remaining cars, and fill out my garage’s collection.
After the jump, I take off my sunglasses… Continue reading →
Sometimes, a plan comes together. I love it when that happens.
That did not happen this time.
After the jump, Alice goes to jail Continue reading →
This is the kind of thing that happens when you park for too long in the bowels of a particle collider. In this picture’s case, it was a zombie technician with a flamethrower-esque thing. They’ve got no range to speak of, so they’re really only a danger if my car has barely-holding-together levels of damage already, or if you just park there and taunt them. The zappy zombies are much less problematic than the occasional exploding zombies, which are–like so many things in my character’s life in Clutch–the fault of the Reapers. If you’re enlightened enough to be chosen, you take off your sunglasses to be zombified and get rigged up with explosives to wander the streets.
So there I am, on fire. It’s between missions, so respawning is just a button away. At this point, I’m in the third and final episode of the storyline. I’ve been deprogrammed by a scientist who is either unnamed or literally named Scientist, and I prefer to believe the latter. My diary indicates a hangover, to put it legally. It also says that “The Scientist says it’s the abstinence syndrome. The yen.” That figures. Leave it to a crazy cult to give you abstinence syndrome.
After the jump…science! Continue reading →
Snow!
Colonel-General Guderian was near Teploie on the night of November 3-4, 1941, where the day before, the leading infantry elements of LIII Corps had run into a large Russian force comprised of two cavalry divisions, five rifle divisions, and a tank brigade. The Russians were able to make some progress thanks to the mobility of their T-34 medium tanks in the stifling mud, whereas the Germans had had to leave behind all of their heavy equipment. In the middle of this tenuous situation, Guderian’s chief of staff handed him a detailed operations plan, prepared weeks before, for a general resumption of the offensive on 4 November, including a sharp counterattack by mobile elements of Geyr von Schweppenburg’s XXIV Panzer Corps. The plan detailed extensive German movements over ground assumed to be hardened by frost and new snowfall. The commander of 2 Panzer Army was dumbfounded. “How can you prepare an entire operational plan based on the supposition that it will snow tonight?” Guderian demanded. “Herr General,” his adjutant protested, “it’s Turn 22”. “Ah yes,” the Colonel-General replied. “You are right”.
After the jump, an 8th grader shows up Adolph Hitler Continue reading →
If you give a peasant a loaf of bread, he’ll eat for a day. If you teach a peasant to fight, he’ll beat the hell out of the brigands that harass his village every week and take their bread instead. We’ve been asked by the village elder of Sarimish to instruct his villagers in the noble, timeless art of bandit slaughter. Judging from the trail of bodies we left in our wake traveling here from Jelkala, we are more than qualified to serve as instructors, but we need to make a supply run first.
After the jump, the juggernaut steams ahead. Continue reading →
The Hunters are in Atom-city primarily for materialistic or hedonistic reasons. Money, adventure, excitement, really wild things — stuff like that. It’s only natural that, people being the kind of beings that people are, that some would seek out the spiritual side to running over hundreds of zombies and making other cars explode. Especially after lucre loses its luster, and they hit the rock bottom of seriously considering taking off their sunglasses for eventual suicide-by-car.
After the jump, the purpose-driving life Continue reading →
Typically, the early part of a character’s career in Mount and Blade is spent building up. Since you start with little more than the clothes on your back, a weapon, a horse and a small amount of gold, it’s important to start earning money, gaining renown and honor, getting better equipment, building a small army and currying the favor of the lords of the realm. Exploration is encouraged so that one can see the various realms they can potentially join later in the game, and to gradually learn the locations of important cities and potential battlegrounds.
However, I already know exactly who I want to work for, and he just showed up right outside the capital.
After the jump: just another one of the guys Continue reading →
My planes, trains, and automobiles screenshot was going to be even better, but like much of Motorstorm, it’s a cool idea with a lousy execution. I love it when games let you take your own screenshots, but Motorstorm cripples the feature by failing to include a replay mode. That cool thing that happens on lap three? Good luck anticipating it on your first time through the course and then pausing it at just the right moment to capture it, and you can just forget about commemorating those serendipitous moments that you can’t plan for or recreate at all.
After the break, I try to figure out of the trade-in value of Motorstorm will get me a copy of Split/Second. Continue reading →
