Lots of folks hate The Library, a level that appears near the end of the original Halo. I can sort of understand why. But after playing the remastered version in Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary, I’m convinced it’s a triumph of gameplay, level design, storytelling, and even character development. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s the high point of the entire Halo series.
I want to trade some items with you, I tell Lydia by selecting that choice from the menu. Which is oddly placed several entries down. What a terrible place for my most common interaction with Lydia, who routinely helps me out with my inventory overflow. I don’t want to call her a mule, because she’s also a tank.
“I live to share you burden,” she says. Although you’d think a housecarl would be more professional, the actresses’ line reading sounds as if the director wrote the word “sarcastic” in big red letters on the script.
“Look, I just need you to carry these dragon bones for a while. Just until we get to the next MISC merchant, where I’ll sell them first thing. I promise.”
So when I apply a frost damage enchantment to a dwarven greatsword we found in some ruins, I name it “Lydia’s Icy Retort”. I want to trade some items with you, I tell her.
“I live to share your burden.”
I give her the newly enchanted sword. It’s pretty cool to see her swinging that big thing around. It’s not so cool that she looks so stupid in that helmet I gave her. But better safe than dignified, I always say. Thousands of years in the future, this same thinking will cause people to wear similarly ridiculous helmets when they ride bicycles.
Unfortunately, Lydia apparently doesn’t live to share my burden. I told her to wait while I ran ahead in a dungeon to test a scroll that causes area damage. When I went back, she was gone. She had taken the sword, about a dozen dragon bones, and various and sundry heavy goods that I didn’t want to carry, being that I’m a willowy mage type.
I miss Lydia’s icy retort. Both of them. After doing some research on the Skyrim wiki, I discovered that sometimes when Lydia leaves, you can find her at Breezehome, the player housing available for purchase in Whiterun. Pictured. So I purchased Breezehome and now I’m loitering in this unfurnished dusty house, waiting, sleeping a few hours at a time, flipping through the remodeling catalog, imagining the sort of home we could share, hoping she’ll come through that door.
With each successive Halo, I’ve gotten less interested in the series. So I was kind of dreading having to play Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary, the remastered version of the original game. Turns out I didn’t remember what I was missing.
Thumbs up. Read the review here.
And that’s a wrap on 2011. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is the last big release of the year that isn’t a Star Wars themed MMO or Mario crammed into a tiny car.
Also out this week is Serious Sam 3, a palate cleanser to all those serious tactical shooters you’ve been playing lately. Fighting game fans who like older versions of their favorite fighting games might enjoy Tekken Hybrid, a PS3 exclusive bundle that combines an old Tekken game with a Japanese cartoon you can watch you your PS3. King of Fighters XIII is the latest fighting game featuring characters who are as well known as they are thanks to the enduring success of the Neo Geo. Finally, there’s a Jaws game for your Wii in which you pet sharks.
An artsy, understated, ambiguous movie from a first-time writer/director starring an unproven actress in a challenging role about a character in an uncertain mental state and John Hawkes? We’re all over Martha Marcy May Marlene! This week’s 3×3, our favorite dance moments in movies, starts at the 1:13 mark.
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Above is reprinted, in its entirety, the strategy guide for Serious Sam 3, which comes out next week and includes 16-player co-op for the campaign mode. Forward the guide to 15 friends with whom you might be playing so that you’re all on the same page.
Join Tom “Dragonborn” Chick, Jason “Housecarl” McMaster, and special guest Gary “Drastic” Achenbach for this week’s Minnesota nice discussion of the latest in DLC, virtual real estate scams, TV shows, medical issues, and world religion. Plus a little Saints Row 3 and Skyrim talk.
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I’m a casual Modern Warfare 3 player, so this isn’t going to be a list of stuff about how the 7.62mm round from a Dragunov spins clockwise so it should pull more to the right over greater distances. In military parlance, that’s called a slice. Besides, everyone knows the Dragunov doesn’t fire a 7.62mm round. Duh.
Instead, this is just a layman who really likes Modern Warfare 3 grousing about a couple of things that would make him like it even better.
After the jump, I tell Activision how to run their business Continue reading →
I started playing this game on a dare. “Hey, Tom,” I said to myself, “I dare you to play whatever this Fusion: Genesis thing is that Microsoft just sent you. If only to see what kind of game it is. With a name like that, it’s got to be awful, right?” Since I’m such an insufferable pest, I finally relented just to shut myself up.
After the jump, the joke’s on me Continue reading →
Tarsem, the director of The Cell and The Fall, needed all three of his names to make Immortals, his first movie without a definite article. Our opinions are divided on how well that worked out. In the above shot, Immortals would be the guy on the right in the funny hat. Tom is yelling and snapping a fire whip at it. Dingus is to the far left, enthralled and wearing a princess costume because he will mention Tangled at least once on this podcast. Kellywand is crouched indecisively between them. We aren’t sure who that fourth guy is, the one over there with Dingus. He can be you, the listener.
This week’s 3×3 is hero survival rip-offs. You know those moments when the hero totally should have died, but didn’t? That’s what these are. Join us for the discussion around about the 1:20:00 mark.
Up next week: Martha Marcy May Marlene
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I have no idea what’s going on in Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3. All I know is that when I play as Phoenix Wright, my special ability is to lie down and pull an Asian woman out of my pants. It must be a Japanese thing.
It’s particularly infuriating, because whatever’s going on with Phoenix Wright, I think he’s a character I want to play. Looking over the move list in the pause screen shows that he can toggle between investigation mode, in which he picks up items and puts them into folders, and trial mode, in which he uses the items for different kinds of attacks. He’s got a third mode, but search me if I know how to activate it or what it does. Of course, the mission mode — what a misleading name for a mostly useless feature — quickly slams me against a wall in which I’m learning nothing about the character and I’m instead learning that I can’t figure out the split-second timing it takes to get two mediums, a heavy, and a special attack during an air combo. I don’t need a mission mode to tell me that.
I really want to play the new characters in Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, but Capcom can’t be arsed to teach me how. Which reminds me why Marvel vs. Capcom 3 (a.k.a. Penultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3) was both my favorite game of the year and my most disappointing game of the year back in July.
Sometimes an intersection is jammed with the smoking wreckage of cars and swarming with cops and gang members just because. Shots were fired, things got out of hand, chaos descended. Any good urban open-world game works this way. Stuff happens and then more stuff happens and then all sorts of crazy stuff has happened.
But sometimes there’s a reason for it all (pictured). And sometimes it happens to the accompaniment of a Finnish chick in a French band called The Do singing a song called Queen Dot Kong that makes me think of rioting clowns taking shotguns to each other.
It’s a little messed up round here, round here, round here…
It’s a little messed up round here, round here, round here…
It’s a little messed up round here, round here, round here…
No one told me to dress up
Well, you, wow, how
This is pretty damn queer
Oh shit, now we’re stuck
We’re stuck together for real
After the jump, well you wow how, indeed Continue reading →
I’m sure Super Mario 3D Land on the Nintendo 3DS will be great for lots of folks. It just feels awfully generic to me. I blame my inability to appreciate whatever charm Mario is supposed to have, even when he dresses up as a raccoon. This week’s Rayman: Origins is more my speed. You know, weird, arty, French.
Speaking of French, Assassin’s Creed: Revelations is out. And speaking of retreads, Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary will let you enjoy the original Halo in HD. If you like racing games where you drive down long thin roads to try to pass cars that began the race in front of you, Electronic Arts offers Need for Speed: The Run. Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 is as inscrutable as ever.
But the dire threat to your wallet is Saints Row The Third, reviewed here, if you want scientific proof that you should buy it.
My first kill ever in Modern Warfare 3 isn’t nearly as entertaining as my first kill ever in Call of Duty: Black Ops. But at least it has a story arc. Watch the above movie in which I avenge the death of TJ 3658. Considering that I have a kill/death ratio of about 1:3 on a good day, it’s quite an anomaly that my very first action online was getting a kill before being killed. Followed up by an immediate assist. You can see me softening up that second guy before someone else’s grenade comes along and robs me of a killsteak of two.
When is a review not a review and instead the sort of sloppy love letter a mooning teenager might write in the hopes that no one but his intended would read it? Go here to find out. Needless to say, thumbs up.
Up next: making the Emu an endangered species
(Click here for the previous Saints Row 3 entry.)
