Tom vs Bruce: Dune Wars

, | Tom vs Bruce

III. Tom’s second term: Chick’s State of the House Address

People of Dune — well, those of you who are members of House Atreides — I stand before you today as the man who brought you two (2!) brand spanking new cities. And what nifty cities they are! I named one of them Minas Tirith because I know you love those Hobbit movies. I named the other Sleepless because I couldn’t think of any other name for it and it was near our coffee plantations. Get it? Sleepless? Because, like, there’s lots of coffee? See? Is Bruce Geryk a wordsmith like me? Of course not. He names his cities things with lots of Russian syllables!

But let’s talk about the economy. I have lifted us out of hard times by implementing a spice-based economy. Look:

I have brought spice harvesting to our House and only one worker got et by a giant worm in the process!

Please note his family has been generously compensated for their loss with an extra ration of coffee, since we’ve got plenty to spare and none of the other houses seems to want coffee. Bunch of tea drinkers, I imagine. But from sandy coast to sandy coast, our little turtle-looking harvesters are chugging away in those fields of lovely spice, feeding it to our refineries, putting money into our coffers, and affording us the luxury of intensive scientific research to do stuff like dig deeper wells, make some cool quad buggies we can ride around in (take that, sandworm riding Fremen!), and build mushtamals in our cities. I still don’t know what a mushtamal is. Some kind of thing that makes people healthy. But I know that I had to build them because Bruce Geryk’s piddly clinics weren’t cutting it.

Speaking of not cutting it, I believe in peace through strength! Let me show you this chart:

That is the military power of each of the Houses at the beginning of my second term of rule. We’re the green line at the bottom. The one that sort of peters out under Bruce’s reign. The blue line shooting up to the top right corner like a rocket is the Fremen. It’s almost as if Bruce has never even heard of Ancient Earth POTUS Ronald Reagan. So I built several new soldiers and even some of those quad buggies that are so much fun to ride around in. Have you ever played Halo? It’s like that. After my robust military build-up, here’s where we are:

Okay, it’s, uh, not looking good. It’s not really easy to catch up with a rocket. I hope we don’t piss off the Fremen anytime soon. I probably shouldn’t have brought this up. Let’s move on, shall we? Let’s talk about how I believe in diplomacy instead of military might.

I have made friends with our neighbors whereas Bruce Geryk will probably trump up intel about Ixian stonecutters as a pretense for war. But I believe in friendly commerce, which is why I make a point to check for whether we can trade for new resources and technologies every few turns, except for the times I forget. I even sweet talked the Harkonnens into giving us sword grass in exchange for some of our extra coffee! The Harkonnens! Have you seen those guys? They’ve got, like, pus coming out of them. Look.

With the power of diplomacy, I hope one day to get my hands on Princess Irulan’s diamonds, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of diplomacy and smooth talking charmers like me, when the hot Asian chick from House Ordos offered to trade us feudalism, I took her up on her offer so that we can enjoy the fruits of serfdom and hereditary rule. Now I realize that may sound like no great shakes to serfs and those of you who aren’t related to royalty. But would you rather have the subsistence labor and despotism we had on our civics screen under Bruce Geryk’s rule? Of course you wouldn’t! Those sucked.

I hired that great scientist from the backwater town of Sergeiobingowhatever to build the Tom Chick Official Space Science Academy of Arakeen that is even now researching the technology for offworld trade. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means landing stages, which means unique resources which could mean — that’s right! — Caladanian wine. Can you say “par-tay”? Speaking of which, I started the banquet hall in Arakeen that will be completed on turn 164. Remember that fact when Bruce Geryk cuts the ribbon and pretends like it was all his idea.

So I stand here today having more than doubled our score and I implore you to hang in there while Bruce Geryk does whatever Bruce Geryk is going to do for the next fifty years. I shall return!

Atreides score: 997
Tom: 752, Bruce: 245