If you don’t look good, Diablo III doesn’t look good

, | Games

To quote stylist Tyler Durden, you are not your fucking khakis. Neither are you your Socketed Silk Britches of the Bear. With that in mind, let’s try to look our best while we’re fighting the minions of Diablo, lord of whatever he’s lord of. I couldn’t hear when they explained that part because my ensemble was too loud.

After the jump, barbarian makeover

So here we are in the changing area at one of the dress shops in the Caldeum bazaar.

Oh, look, Leah is tagging along. Big surprise. Hey Leah, why don’t you go tell the enchantress about your mother. I’m sure she’d be fascinated. No? You’re just going to sit here and watch me change? Okay, whatever. Nice top, by the way. It makes it easy to pick you out in a crowd.

Okay, let’s kit up!

So far, so good. A hearty chestplate and bracers. Comfortable boots without a heel. Pants. Wait, did I put on my pants? Let me check. Yep, those are my pants. Well, “pants”. I’d call it more of a loin cloth with a sort of dual leather strip garter belt thing going on. But, yeah, pants. Someone’s going to be really cold in Act III.

Okay, let’s add the pauldrons.

Oh my. What are those, demon narwhals? Well, that’s certainly a choice. A bit, uh, prominent. Maybe the helmet will help.

Good lord, I look like I’m about to do Wagner at the Ozark Met.

It’s time for one of Diablo III’s greatest inventions: vanishing dye. Apply a dose of this stuff — for sale at fine potion vendors everywhere — and your ugly armor vanishes, but you still get the benefit of wearing it. Let’s also get rid of the demon narwhal pauldrons.

Much better. Besides, why would the barbarian want to hide that pretty face and lovely red hair? The greaves look uncomfortable and dudish. Let’s lose them. And why bother with the loin cloth and garter belt combo? Let’s really show off our thighs.

Much better. The barbarian has some wicked awesome thighs. Why hide those puppies!

Now it’s time for the final touch: a little color coordination. The barbarian’s red hair naturally calls for a touch of green. Apply doses of ranger green dye and we’ll be the talk of any party.

Darling, you look marvelous! Bella, bella! Now let’s move on to the Witch Doctor.

On second thought, let’s not. No amount of dye is going to fix that. Sometimes you have to embrace the clownness of your outfit.

Up next, Butcher, dude, let’s talk. Just because it’s the Chamber of Suffering doesn’t mean it has to be the Chamber of Bad Taste.