The headlines we didn’t publish this month

, | Games

Sometimes, but not often, we here at Quarter to Three have to kill a story. While we are 100% committed to you, the reader, we have to weigh the outcome of our investigative reporting and the effect it can have on the industry, the public, and ourselves. Following is a few stories we had to drop and some excerpts.

After the jump, hold the presses

Playstation 4 Discovered to Cause Cancer, Still Selling Well Thanks to Better Hardware

“Speaking to the press from Sony Headquarters, Kazuo Hirai confirmed today that the Playstation 4 includes extra, cancer-inducing sensors in the controller. ‘Including a deadly disease with our entertainment product sounds counter-intuitive, but we at Sony love to break down societal barriers. No one asked for cancer, but no one asked for flashing lights on the front of the controller either and we put them in there anyway!'”

“XBox: Dig Grave,” Micro$haft using Kinect to Pave Highway to Hell

“We caught up with Larry Hryb, Microsoft’s Major Nelson, and asked about the new development pathways Microsoft is exploring. ‘Well, since we completely have no idea what anyone wants any more, we’ve just started adding features to the XBox One all willy-nilly. It started out as a joke, but we’re about half way through implementing a command and accessory to allow the XBox One to dig ditches.’ There were no demonstrations available at the time of print, but Major Nelson assures us it will be roundly hated.”

King Sues Self

“‘We’re sick of our shit,’ admitted Riccardo Zacconi, ‘I mean, have you played any of our games?’ As of press time, we had played their games.”

Reggie Fils-Aime Unable to Achieve Erection Without Strangling Midget Dressed as Sonic’s friend, ‘Tails’

“Fils-Aime was not available for comment. Also, the midget was very hoarse so we didn’t get much out of him either.”

Duke Nukem Forever – Not Just Hyperbole, Duke Can Never Die

“After weeks of of attempted formats, Gearbox seems to be ready to throw in the towel. ‘When we bought this property, we didn’t expect this,’ claims Randy Pitchford. ‘It appears that we will just have to continue hailing to the king. What have I done?'”

Flappy Bird Flap – App Taken Down Because of Horrible Secret

“Suddenly, and without much warning, Dong Nguyen, creator of super-popular app ‘Flappy Bird,’ removed the title from online app stores. Initially, Nguyen cited the games overall addictiveness as his moral reason to end its sale. However, our news agent, Nick Diamon, made a gruesome discovery. ‘It turns out that, whenever you buy Flappy Bird, it siphons the soul out of a small bird and uses it to fuel it’s horrible addictive powers,’ said Diamon, visibly shaken. ‘I can’t blame Dong Nguyen for not continuing the sale of this product – what happens when we run out of birds?'”