Where you get all those wonderful toys in Jetpack Joyride

, | Games

Jetpack Joyride was already really good. With today’s free update, it’s even gooder. However, I question the entire premise of this being a “free” update. Yeah, sure, it’s free in that you don’t have to pay anything when you get it. Your copy of Jetpack Joyride will automatically update without you paying a cent.

But then you start playing and you’re confronted with two empty slots where you can equip gadgets (pictured). Go ahead and start playing anyway. In the starting room, you’ll see a pair of empty picture frames where your equipped gadgets would go. You want gadgets. You need gadgets. Gadgets are the new money sinks where cosmetic doo-dads used to go. But gadgets actually do stuff. As such, you will definitely want as many gadgets as you can get your stubby little jetpack operating hands on.

That’s not going to happen any time soon. Gadgets are expensive. Each one — there are fifteen — costs around 5000 gold. If you’ll indulge me, let’s do a little math. I tend to make 250 gold on the average run. That means 20 runs to buy each gadget. That means 300 runs to unlock all the gadgets, give or take. At which point I can now try to claw my way up from the bottom of the high score list. Or I can just buy gold as an in-app purchase. This is a cornerstone of Jetpack Joyride’s design.

The update doesn’t just add more grinding to encourage in-app purchases. It also seems to make the slot machine a more prominent part of the game. For starters, I’ve seen more slot machine tokens, which means the slot machine figures more prominently. My first run with the update was a record breaker, but not by virtue of me being better. Instead, I got a free life in the slot machine, which I promptly lost, but not before getting another slot machine token. My pull on the slot machine netted me three more tokens, one of which got me a small blast to push me a little farther down the run. Another of the free spins got me a nuclear blast to push me considerably farther down the run. New high score! Take that, you three people on my friends list who are now under my high score. Three down, about thirty to go! Seriously, how are all you people making 3000m and 4000m runs?

After the jump, browse the gadget catalog

Sector 1: Research and Development
Air Barrys (3,500 Coins) – Leap gracefully over obstacles with these designer sneakers.
Nerd Repellent (2,000 Coins) – The patent-pending formula is so potent that the whole laboratory had to be abandoned.
Insta-Ball (2000 Coins) – Bounce off the floor instead of going splat. Great for traveling a few extra meters.

Sector 2: Fringe Science
Gravity Belt (5,000 Coins) – Make the ground come at you a lot faster than usual. Be sure to bend your knees when you land.
Missile Jammer (5000 Coins) – Replaces the missile guidance program with pictures of kittens downloaded from the internet. Only works if the kittens are particularly cute.
Token Gift (5000 Coins) – What do you give someone who has everything? A free final spin token, of course!

Sector 3: Pseudoscience Action Group
Freeze-O-Matic (3,000 Coins) – There’s no better way to cool down after a hard run than being snap-frozen in a solid block of ice. It also helps you slide a few extra meters.
X-Ray Specs (4500 Coins) – This high-tech eye wear is both fashionable and functional. Now you can look inside vehicle pickups and other places you’re not supposed to see.
Gemology (6,500 Coins) – A special Blingification technique that converts coins into high-value Gems. For some reason it only works on coins minted in 1985.

Sector 4: Futureologist Lounge
Ezy-Dodge Missiles (5,500 Coins) – If you’re going to play a game of chicken with a missile, make sure it’s an Ezy-Dodge!
Magnetic Tokens (4,500 Coins) – Every token is fitted with a super-strong magnet. They are easier to collect, but will probably wipe your credit card.
Flying Pig (6000 Coins) – This highly-unstable coin transporter was designed by a scientist with a particular fondness for physical comedy.

Sector 5: Testing Zone
Free Ride (5,000 Coins) – Stop off at the motor pool before smashing through the laboratory wall. Why didn’t Barry think of this earlier?
Coin Magnet (6,000 Coins) – Once you get used to the feeling of being endlessly pelted with coins you will start to wonder how you ever lived without it.
Lucky Last (5500 Coins) – Your final spin token is forged from fortunium, the world’s luckiest element.