Meet your new partner in Resident Evil: Revelations

, | Games

Remember in Resident Evil 5 how cool it was to have Sheva by your side? She was exotic and sometimes competent and, most important, she had personality. Those were the days.

In Resident Evil: Revelations on the Nintendo 3DS, you get new partners. When you’re playing as Jill Valentine, a character whose cleavage you literally wrestled with in Resident Evil 5, your partner is a rather, uh, portly European fellow. Would husky be a more polite word? I’m not sure if he’s French or Spanish or what, but I get the impression that he reeks of cologne and has a bunch of candy bars in one of those pockets.

But that’s not the worst of it. When you’re playing as Chris “Derp” Redfield, your partner is a woman named Jessica who seems to have been inspired by the Shit Girls Say Twitter feed. Within the first five minutes of the game, she’s complaining about being cold and her feet hurting. Then she starts nagging you about whether she’s better than your last partner. At the end of your first mission with her, you fall down a pit and get attacked by a bunch of zombie dogs. You have to survive the zombie dog onslaught while she makes her way to you. At one point, I thought she said, “Me and my sweet ass are on the way!” That’s what it sounded like and I was too busy reloading my dog-killing popgun to check the subtitles for what she had actually said. But the main point is Jessica is so annoying that’s what I thought she said.

But then I died and had to replay the zombie dog sequence again. Sure enough, that’s exactly what she says. “Me and my sweet ass are on the way!” In this day and age, are you allowed to talk to your coworkers that way? It’s enough to make you long for Ashley’s cries of “Leon!”