Kirby will eff you up

, | Games

I did not write the following article, which is a grossly inappropriate way to cover a charming Nintendo title like Kirby’s Return to Dream Land. Instead, it was written by my potty mouthed twin brother, who asked me to post it on his behalf.

After the jump, grossly inappropriate stuff

This is my review of Kirby’s Return to Dream Kingdom: Kirby will fuck you the fuck up. He will eat you and then he will wear the hat you were wearing to remind himself that he ate you. If you weren’t wearing a hat, he will wear parts of your fucking head. That’s like you or me eating a hamburger and then walking around wearing the cow’s ears as a way of saying, “Ha ha I ate you, you stupid cow”.

In the first level of Return to Dreamland, or whatever it’s called, Kirby hits things so hard with a sword that it opens a black hole. A motherfuckin’ honest-to-goodness goddamn black hole. Kirby then jumps into it and surfs in front of a wave of black entropy like Snake Plisskin surfing out of Los Angeles.

Kirby does this because Kirby is a bad motherfucker. He makes Samuel L. Jackson look like Julie Andrews before she took off her top in that movie. Kirby has never even heard of Chuck Norris. “Who?” he asks as he inhales a two-ton block of granite into his gaping maw. Speaking of gaping maws, what would happen if there was Kirby vs. Cthulhu? Get the fuck outta here. As far as I can tell, Kirby fucking is Cthulhu. Have you ever met anyone who’s actually seen Kirby? Of course you haven’t, because they’re in a goddamn insane asylum gibbering away in a padded cell. Ia ia Kirby fhtagn, bitches.

Kirby doesn’t have an ounce of muscle on his body. Just look at that little fat fucker. But that sumbitch can still breakdance and moonwalk like nobody’s business. You ever try to breakdance or moonwalk? That shit takes core strength. Kirby doesn’t care. He finishes a level and his body is all, like, “Fuck physics and anatomy and kinetics, I’m going to breakdance and moonwalk”.

You know those Japanese horror movies where some scary woman opens her mouth really wide and then she keeps opening it and keeps opening it and keeps opening it and now it’s a gaping horrific void and you’re totally freaked the fuck out? That’s what it’s like when Kirby does his supersuck power, which as far as I know is totally new in Kirby Return to Dreamscape. Kirby can supersuck things you can’t even carry on a 747. You could spend hours rolling up an entire planet in a Katamari ball and Kirby would suck it down pronto like it was one of those ice cream sandwiches that doesn’t even last four bites.

Link rides a gay-ass horse. Mario rides a baby dinosaur for kids. Kirby rides a motherfucking star. An actual star. He hangs on and it goes circling around the galaxy like a cosmic bucking bronco. Kirby never breaks a sweat. He makes sure that star gets him where he needs to go. Kirby will fuck that star up if it gets out of line, and that star knows it.

Kirby is pink. Not pale red, not salmon, not sunset cumulonimbus. Pink. Just like if you were a dude and your name was Sue, you have to be tough to do pink. Kirby does pink. His name could of been Sue. You better fucking believe it.

Kirby will burn you. He will electocute you like you were in Abu Ghraib. He will chop you the fuck up with all manner of big-ass knives that you didn’t even know he had. In Super Smash Bros Some Shit or Other, Kirby’s superpower is to summon a giant pot and cook everyone else in it. Kirby turns everyone into hamburgers and ice cream cones and sandwiches, and then he eats them. If he feels like it. Maybe he’ll just leave them lying around because he really doesn’t fucking care.

Shooting Kirby with a gun is like shooting a massive marshmallow. He might not even notice. A week later, Kirby will be all like, hey, what’s this in my ass? Oh, it’s a bullet. Someone must of shot me. What the fuck ever, man. I’m going to go suck a skyscraper into my mouth.

Oh, also, Kirby Escape from Fantasy Realm is a pretty good game, I guess. It beats the fuck out of anything with that dumbass Mario.