Until we declared our major, I always thought the Canadians represented everything that was good, just, holy, superior and right. But after this, it looks like we just might be the anti-heroes, who still win. I’m sure they do. If history says otherwise, then screw history. We’ll rewrite it as a glorious epic entitled “Canadianism: How Jacques LaRock lead the Canadians to a Better Galaxy”; A required reading on every planet.
But after the jump, some vermin surrender to the monkeys.
Not before he said he would see me in hell. Maybe I will but LaRock will see that rat bastard in hell when he dies with his harem in an overdose of aphrodisiac and harmony crystals, both dope moral improving products courtesy of the Canadian Imperium; for all ages, excluding the Aphrodite-thing.
To counter a hardly-prophetic future accident, modules are being destroyed every few turns. Rebels and Anti-Canadian movements are blowing them up and I can barely keep hold of the ones I have left that aren’t deep in Canadian space. My ships can’t get there fast enough so I’m left with the option of sacrificing those on the boarder and protecting the ones I have left, or option two of making peace and rebuilding/reinforcing them. But they want too much for peace and the Canadians don’t give a rat’s ass about making peace. Peace is for chumps but despite our love of war, why don’t they appreciate us? Why do they hate the Canadians so much? Why are they a bunch of haters? Just remember, those sick freaks declared war on us. For once, I am innocent.
What the f- Those weak ass bitches? For continuity, the graph in the last entry showed them having peanuts for military, which means they’re jumping on the hate-wagon. I see how it is. When one goes down the path of evil, everybody bands together in some sci-fi fantasy rag-tag party to rid the land of evil to bring peace and prosperity for all races and species. And they think they can stop the war machine once it gets rolling? Well I say no; no to their dreams, no to their future, no to their civil rights and no to their “freedom” bullshit. While they have each other and their mutual hatred for the superior race, do you know what I get for shaking hands with the devil? His blueprints on some awesome weapons and some of the most glorious improvements there is:
On that note, here’s a fun fact: artificial slaves are more effective than regular slaves. Remove their freewill and thinking and bam, slaves who only work and think of nothing but work and breathing. Pretty brilliant, eh? Brilliant and sexy you mean, with a large bonus to military production! This means less child labor and more mindless labor. There’s also the free invasion center thing, which means I can spam information warfare or mini bots and save hundreds (of billions) every time I invade one of their wastelands. But the weapons are half of what will win us the war. And with weapons comes:
The final installment of Pimp My Ship, where we saved the best for last: the Pounder. I was going to post two ships but this one’s attack is 5x the power of our second strongest. It’s the Hand of the Gods to Yang and it’s easily the holiest and strongest thing alive. Sure it’s weak on HP and defense (Couldn’t fit another gun) but it makes up for it with ball-busting beam spamming.
With the production of severely overpowered ships and transports with only minor minimal resistance, we’ve reached the end-game slog. You know you’ve won but you haven’t won yet. It’s slow, tedious and kind of boring. They can’t marshal a defense that we can’t smash and my people can only get frisky fast enough to send more soldiers to the front line. So to pass the time, I declare war on the Drengins. I’ve already done that for the Torians (Peaceful dirtbags) and all that’s left is the Altarians.
The Drengins eventually surrender to the neutral Altarians. I’m not declaring war on those pigs until either the Torians or the bugs surrender to them, ending with three species left. Might get an Influence Victory by accident and that would ruin everything.
This one is a milestone and where we enter the final phase of the plan. A milestone because one of these filthy wretches of a species finally surrendered to the Canadians! Due to this monumental event, let it be known that Jacques LaRock is not without mercy to these disgusting creatures. For them surrendering to our majesty, they- some- a few will live as zoo-animals, slaves and as dummy practice. This is yet another act of kindness in a galaxy full of darkness and hatred. To counter such a generous, benevolent act that goes against Canadian supremacy, I’ll slaughter the Altarians once we get the worlds that are infested with bugs. They may be humans and a sub-species one at that but not too soon after we declare war on them, wipe out their military and capture a planet, the pansies surrender to the bugs. It was so quick that I was shocked. I…I’m not even going to mention them again and if I do, I’ll spit in their name.
A war-crime against the Imperium is surrendering when you’re the last free race that isn’t Canadian, and the bugs did just that. We were on the way to conquering their planets one by one, culturally (I was bored) and militaristically but they up and asked for mercy in their surrender. Unlike the generosity before and them being worthy foes for a bit, the bugs are now extinct.
And before I do a final summary, this is what I get at the end:
This didn’t take as long as I thought until we were met with a powerful resistance when the bugs declared war, then it took longer than I thought. But that wasn’t the only unexpected moment. This entire game was full of surprises; from the lackluster beginning to the sheer amount of alien scum festering and perverting the galaxy with their presence; to the lack of research after the colonial phase, my usual route. Also pre-emptive wars, pirates abound ruining my trade and other people’s lives (I commend them on the last part) and a lack of a decent foundation to start the war machine only countered by our vastly superior soldiering; a must for every conqueror.
Almost nothing went as planned and only got the kill with the first foe we wiped out from the galaxy; the Yor. Everybody surrendered before we could off them and in hindsight, we should have kept some alive for exhibits. The game knows how to bring the Attila in you down and it had done that time and time again. It was aggravating but enjoyable, even if I didn’t sake my thirst for blood. There was blood but hardly enough of it. In the end, in the game of Canadian versus computer, Canadian won!
200 billion killed and we only lost 28 billion. A job well done!
Click here for the previous Galactic Civilization II entry.
Thrawn plays last gen games for cheap instead of coughing up an extra fiver for recent gen ones. In his defense, he’s simply a cheapskate who scores a decent find.