League of Legends: our collective wisdom, or “wisdom”

, | Game diaries

You may not have noticed, but we’ve been playing a lot of League of Legends over the past two weeks. So we have assembled here a collection of helpful advice — tips, axioms, hints, adages, what have you — for those of you who want to get as good as we are.

After the jump, get some wisdom from us (not pictured)

Tom: Stay alive, no matter what occurs.

Dingus: There is no shame in running away. In fact, it’s vital. See previous tip.

Tom: Don’t play a melee character if you’re new because of see above. Melee characters have a much harder time extracting themselves from peril.

Kelly: Don’t play a caster either, because they start out too frail for you to experiment with. Better yet, just don’t play.

Tom: That said, if you’re too proud to play a craven ranged unit (Who could blame you?), Nunu is idiot-proof. When he gets hurt, he heals himself by snacking on one of the minions he would have killed anyway.

Dingus: Idiot-proof isn’t the standard. Dingus-proof is the standard. For the most part I agree with Tom. Nunu is basically Dingus-proof.

Dingus: That said, while the snacking thing Nunu does is pretty cool, pay attention to the tips. I spent an entire match trying to use that power against champions. It only works on minions.

Tom: Enemy minions. Don’t try to eat your little buddies. That’s rude, even for Nunu.

Kelly: The quality of your lane-buddy matters more than your classes.

Dingus: Don’t get bent out of shape if someone “steals” your kill. This is a team game. Get hip to that, especially if you’re a ranged champion. Expect a good melee player to finish guys off after you’ve softened them up. Your numbers might not look so sexy at the end, but you’ll be helping your team.

Kelly: Steal all my kills if you want, I don’t give a shit. Same team, dude.

Tom: Don’t be afraid to ask what lane you should take. Alternatively, don’t let pride get in the way if someone starts rudely barking orders. He might actually know what he’s doing.

Kelly: Forget what Tom says. If someone’s a dick about you being in “their” lane, stick around to annoy him until you’ve made your point, i.e., lost the game.

Dingus: Take time to compliment your teammates and even opponents. But be careful. It’s tough to read sarcasm on the Internet, and you might accidentally sound like that jerk that you think is insulting you.

Kelly: Play either to win, or to learn. If you make a mistake, don’t analyze why, just punch yourself in the face as hard as you can and keep playing until you’re hospitalized, you’ve won, or all three.

Dingus: Never, and I mean never, approach an enemy tower ahead of your minions. Minions first.

Kelly: If you’re way past your frontmost turret and you only see one or two enemy champs on the minimap, expect you’re being flanked.

Dingus: Know thy enemy. Take some time while you’re waiting to be matched to read up on the champions. The tips on those pages are useful and succinct.

Kelly: If there’s a sweet battle going down two lanes over but you’ll never get there in time, push your own lane hard. Exploit fleeting territorial dominance.

Tom: Don’t read forum discussions like this one. Hardcore League of Legends players speak, like, a whole other language because they’re playing a whole other game. The game you’ll be playing is more friendly, forgiving, and accessible.

Kelly: What Tom meant ironically. It’s a jungle out there. Speaking of which, if someone’s “jungling,” that means he’s giving up a lane. Also, “bot” stands for “bottom,” not “bot.” Also, “mia” doesn’t stand for “farrow” or the old man from “Karate Kid,” even though many of your fellow players will be Japanese and/or have been date-raped by Satan. Thus the eyes.

Dingus: When you’re starting out, pay attention to the difficulty rating of the champions. Choose one that’s a little easier.

Kelly: Never read anything about your champion except his lore backstory before plunging in. Tactics are spoilers.

Dingus: If you’re just starting out and you want some practice, get into a normal match with humans. Don’t try to get up to speed going against bots. They’re too good.

Kelly: What Dingus said. Playing against bots or even single-player campaigns only cultivates bad habits. Also, when in doubt, buy Miss Fortune.

Dingus: What Kelly said. Except keep your mothereffing hands off Miss Fortune.

Tom: Google image search for “League of Legends cosplay” at your own peril.

Click here for the previous League of Legends game diary. Click here to go back to where it all began.