League of Legends: heaven is other people, pt. 2

, | Game diaries

“Never played as her before,” the anonymous person playing Sivir types.

“Me neither,” is my chat response. Meaning my champion, Ezreal.

“Me too,” types the dude playing Blitzcrank.

Solidarity. We have waited just north of ten minutes for this match to begin, and we are bonding before heading into the fray. Not with small talk either. We are revealing our little insecurities before heading into battle. I think this is a good sign.

After the jump, you never forget your first rampage

I said we waited more than ten minutes but I was exaggerating. Or extrapolating. Or conflating. One of those things. I meant I waited ten minutes for this match to start. I assume they were in a similar troop carrier. I had two other matches pseudo-start and fail because some goofball backed out. I always assume this is because someone else chose his hero and so he rage pre-quit dumping us all back into the lobby. I assume this because a player made this crystal clear in one of my first online LoL games.

“Give me Shen!” That’s the first chat I see as we sit in the champion selection foyer.

Um, I think, staring at the screen. He means me. Okay I guess.


A please would be nice, I think as my eyes dart frantically from the screen to my keyboard. I’d give him Shen if I could. What do I care now that I’ve lost Miss Fortune? But I can’t figure out how to un-Shenify myself now that I’ve hit the “Lock In” button.

“Can you speak English?”

Yes, I think, as a mixture of anger and embarrassment narrows my vision. I just can’t type it right now.


And just like that he’s gone.

So I’ve been down this road before. It’s annoying when this happens at any time. It’s much more annoying when this happens after you have already waited for four minutes to get matched into a game. On the whole, though, I’d rather the player quit before the game than during.

Tonight after ten plus minutes we are finally in a match and I’m bonding with some Internet denizens I don’t know as we prepare for battle. I’ve got two friends online at present but neither of them is in this game. One is in a different game, and I don’t know him from Adam. He friended me after a match the other day and I haven’t played with him since. The word ‘friend’. Sigh. The other one is Kelly Wand and he’s just “Online”. He’s always just “Online”. How he’s won seventy hundred games I’ll never know because I see him listed as such all the time but never “In Game”. He’s probably off polishing his andirons. If you know what I mean.

The game is afoot, and immediately I can see that I was right to feel good about where this was going. Ezreal is working out for me nicely. He’s got some of Miss Fortune’s qualities, although I cannot figure out his third power. As far as I can tell, it involves grabbing a dude and hugging him then hitting him. Your basic buddy greeting. How that’s supposed to be my tertiary power is beyond me. The other powers work for me though. In fact, as the game unfolds it becomes clear that I’m the best player on my team.

My blood runs cold at this realization. Whatever good vibes I had before waver. This cannot be a good sign for the match. I begin to doubt.

At which point the narrator informs everyone that I’m on a killing spree.


I know what you’re thinking. Same thing I was thinking. Bizarro-world, right? I squint my eyes into focus and clamp down on the doubting. I can’t afford to dither here. I’m in a lane with the Blitzcrank dude, who moves like a combination of something from Disney’s The Black Hole and some steampunk fantasy, and he dies a lot. For once, I’m not dying a lot. I keep falling back at just the right time. I’d like to keep it that way.

Blitz dies again. I tried to cover for him. Didn’t work. But the champion who offed him is pretty weak. I step in. Another dude chases me off, but that champion bites the dust. I’m not quite sure how I did it, but I killed him as he fled. And the announcer says,


I feel all tingly as my team cruises to the win. My fourth victory in a slew of losses. We tumble into the cool-off chat lobby and I brace myself. It can be a real Mos Eisley in there. Instead of scum and villainy, however, what unfolds is this…

Tzyn: gg
RQDoga: That
Jyygylag: Good game!
RQDoga: was one of the best games I’ve played
Fdsfgs: Good game.
RQDoga: intense all the way
XxMunstaKok729xX: gg everyone
Jyygylag: Agreed.
RQDoga: gg
dingusX: gg tx all
InSINtive: gg
Jyygylag: See you all later!

To say my experience in online gaming is scant would be to overstate. It’s downright miniscule. I just don’t do it that much. I figure life is too short to subject yourself to so many sophomoric insults. That’s putting it kindly. And maturely.

League of Legends has definitely had its ugly moments. But truth be told, that chat you see there above…I’m finding that type of thing a decent percentage of the time.

How great is that?

It is far past midnight at this point and I was feeling bleary before getting into this match. I should hit the sack. But now…

Crap. Fine. One more game.

Up next: Nunu economics
Click here for the previous League of Legends game diary.