The beginner’s guide to Diablo III

Posted by on May 15, 2012 in Games

After Diablo III’s first twelve hours in the wild, I can safely say this online only experience is not your Battlechest’s Diablo! Think of this as the new Diablo. Diablo 2.0, if you will. It’s a whole other thing. And as such, you might need some help.

After the jump, I bring you the wisdom that can only come from first-hand experience

Error 37 means the server is overloaded and you won’t be able to connect. Error 315300 means that you CTL-C’ed the password from the front end of Diablo III and have been CTL-V’ing in a series of asterisks as a password, and that’s not your password. Error 3006 means the game can’t retrieve the character list you haven’t even made yet because you’ve been getting errors 37 and 315300 for about an hour. Error 3005 is pretty self evident in that it tells you that you’ve been disconnected. Of all the errors, error 3005 is the most newbie friendly.

Now that you have that under your belt, you’re ready for some more advanced tips. Error 75 means the servers are down for maintenance. You may not know this because you’ve been actually playing the game for a while. At which point you logged out from your 21st level character to change your banner to one of the pictures you just unlocked. When you try to resume your game, you’ll discover error 317022 informing you that your game configuration can’t be loaded. Neither can you join a game, or start from a different quest, or do anything but admire your character standing next to her newly modified banner. Why don’t you play another character for a while? You can come back later for error 300008 when checking the character list to see if you can play your 21st level character yet. Which you can’t.

But of all the error messages that are part of Diablo III, the one you really want to strive for is what I call the prime error:

When you see this, you’ll know you’ve really made it as a Diablo III player.

  • Pogue Mahone

    At first I was all :/ but then I LOL’ed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1001175907 Ricardo Madeira

    Wow. You never cease to amaze, Tom! This is… it’s just… it’s fraking spot-on! You should have put some spoiler warnings up though, because so far all I know of D3 is Error 37 and Error 75.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Bustamante/781734675 Chris Bustamante

    This is really an excellent guide!  In fact, I’ve experienced a great number of these myself!

    Thank goodness for single player games that require constant internet connections!

  • Miramon

    So is this characteristic of the first day player experience, or is it just Tom’s typical bad luck? :)

  • MikeO

     This is awesome. And Miramon, I think it’s typical….it has been for me. Can’t say I’m surprised.

  • http://lafinjack.livejournal.com/ LafinJack

     Yes.

  • http://twitter.com/TheBillyBruiser Billy Bruiser

    Hilarious write up.

  • Someone

    Like

  • Miramon

    But but but everyone says that Blizzard has the best, most stable, most robust platforms, infrastructure, and games, whenever they are ripping other studios. And now you all say launch day for Diablo III is a mess? Can such things be?

    :)

  • Hugo Peres

    You just ruined my Diablo 3 experience with that. Spoiler alert next time!

    On a side note, 0 problems playing all day on EU servers (haven’t closed Diablo all day, so, got my spot “reserved” on the server)

  • Aeneas

    I wish I could get that one.  I’ve only got 75 and 3006.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bob-Mayer/709955662 Bob Mayer

    There should be an achievement for getting all the error messages.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/AYBHHJO3A3CSSP6IHDUSMJ7QCI Fafa

    I have 3 or 4 error messages already. This game is just awesome, I got a full day of playing DAYZ and Torchlight 2 after buying Diablo 3. 

  • luke

    Looks like Blizzard just gifted you some Max Payne 3 time. I’m sure you’re thrilled.

  • D.Z.

    Damn, you’ve missed error 3003, which is so awesome it’s a palindrome.

  • Nightwish

    Serves people right for buying a game that requires constant online connection…

  • wisdomchild

    AWWW YEEE THAT’S WHAT IM TALKIN’ ABOUT!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10211605 Jeff Benn

    I guess all the complaints and worries about having to be connected to the web weren’t unjustified.

  • Brad Grenz

    Seems like you’re being pretty hard on a free to play game supported by revenue generated with the auction house. Although, I suppose Blizzard really stepped in it by asking for a $60 connection fee.

  • Ben

    Wow, you got Error 1… that’s like original sin or something.

  • Kelly Wand

    I blame the Electoral College.

  • Ben

    It’s Obamacare all over again…

  • thebigJ_A

    And it’s got lag. LAG, in a single player game. FFS, I don’t want to live in this world any more.

    I’ll not buy it, and not play it, even though the game itself looks fun. Nothing is worth encouraging this DRM bs. 

  • Brad Rapstars

    It’s cool though, Blizzard has their paid shills out in force defending this crap on message boards, and their shills in the gaming “press” are making sure to massage their reviews to keep it on message.

  • Ginger Yellow

    I did actually laugh out loud when I got my Error 1 (only once so far). It’s so informative! An issue, you say? An issue that’s not specific enough for you to give me even a hint as to what it is, but is specific enough for you to recommend a course of action, the course of action most likely to disrupt other people’s experience? Alrighty then.

    And this is the first error message they came up with! This is Blizzard bringing their A game.

  • MikeO

     The game is good, but the release is a mess. It’s almost unbelievable that they can release a game in this state. Frankly, I think even the most negative review is completely deserved.

    It’s too bad, because when you can actually play, the game is great, and the online party based stuff is perfect, but no way the game deserves a favorable review as released.

    My rating when the game is working is 9+, but as released, it’s a 5 at best.

  • ScottDobros

    Hilarious.

  • _ste

    I was less lucky than you, I’m afraid. At some point there was some character running back and forth spamming lightning-like stuff with other thingies seemingly dying in the surrounding. Luckily, however, the screen froze, and after a force kill I could comfortably get back to the real Diablo experience, and back for some more 37 and 75 error action!!

  • Email

    “or start from a different quest, or do anything but admire your character standing next to her newly modified banner. ”

    a-hem…. “her”….

  • wisdomchild

     I know, right?  I heard there are GIRLS in this game!

  • http://twitter.com/Darkarm66 Ken Wesley

    Sweet. While I’m waiting for errors to clear up, I’m gonna play Xenoblade Chronicles some more.

  • Joe

    Not sure if serious.

    Everyone knows launch days are a nightmare for Blizzard because they never invest in the kind of infrastructure they need to support the number of players who try to log in for the first 48 hours.

    Just as everyone knows they make great games.

  • krayzkrok

    This guide is so good, it really transports me into the game. I mean I haven’t even bought the game and I feel like I’m getting the same experience as those of you playing Diablo 3.

  • Michael Grove

    How’s it workin’ for you as a game, tech issues aside, Tom?  Is there a bigger piece on it forthcoming?  It feels like there’s a paucity of non-user reviews for D3 at this point.

  • Amar

    +1

    Lost patience with all the cursing and whining on the forums. 

    But this was just brilliant!

  • Dave

    I sympathise with them.  I assume it’s pretty hard to justify doubling your infrastructure budget just for the sake of 48 hours. 

    If they did that, they’d have to take that money from elsewhere, like level designers or user testers. That doesn’t make sense financially, or in terms of good game design.

    Logistically, it would probably work if they simply carried the cost over to the consumer (by making launch day purchases of the game significantly more expensive), though fans would never forgive them for that. 

    No easy way out.

  • Dennis Brunskill

    There is, you have to be a level 30 Shaman to get it.

  • KeysE2S

     Also: leet