Life, the universe and everything in Goat Simulator

, | Games

This is Goat Simulator from Coffee Stain Studios. I am a goat. Apparently, I am a fairly domesticated one from the appearance of my surroundings. There’s a ramp, a balance beam, and several balls in the pen with me. Does my human owner intend to teach me to do tricks like some circus animal? I don’t think I’m going to comply. In fact, I’m pretty sure this flimsy wooden fence won’t imprison me for too much longer.

Let’s see how much trouble a goat can get into after the break.

I’m just a goat, after all. How much chaos could I cause in this small sandbox area? And I do mean small. It’s a road, a couple of houses, a field, and a construction site. It doesn’t seem like there would be much to do here. I can literally see one end of the sandbox from the other.


I was right. These pathetic wooden walls fall easily before my might. It’s like I was born to headbutt things. Headbutt! I like it. I could use my tongue to drag objects around, but slamming into things with my noggin is so much more satisfying. Let’s see what my owners are doing. Maybe I can show them my new hobby.


They won’t talk to me? They ignore me as I run through their house? No. That won’t do at all. I need attention. Headbutt! I’m good at that. As nicely as things bounce around with PhysX and the Unreal Engine, I need more distraction in my life. The crazy visual errors and physics glitches are good for a laugh, but there must be more, right?


Flappy Goat? I’m sure that joke will be just as funny in three years as it is now. Headbutt! There are little jokes and secrets all over the place, but none of them are funnier than just headbutting things into oblivion.


I’m stepping onto a trampoline one second, and the next thing I know I’m flying over buildings. Okay. I can deal with this. The more stunts and acts of destruction I pull off, the more points I get. My ragdoll body is impervious to harm. This is my life then. Headbutt things. Get multipliers. Fly across the map. Rack up points. I’m sure getting more points will unlock something.


Your Earth holds no more wonders for me. It’s all just silliness and blowing things up. Oh, there was amusement to be had for sure, but I see no need to return. I will transcend my terrestrial form and grow beyond your limited understanding. There’s got to be something cool to headbutt out here.

Goat Simulator is available on Steam.