Welcome to this Pokemon game diary, Reader! I’m very happy to have you here. (B)
Here you will find your Hopes and Dreams discovered! Many adventures await. And any questions you have you can ask me at any time! (B)
Very good, Reader. That’s a great observation! Good question, and I’d like to say more… (B)
…but for now, just ignore that and shut up and keep reading. (B)
This is a column. It’s not interactive. What, did you think you were playing a game? Silly Reader! (B)
After the jump, playing is not fundamental—
I kind of suspect that railing against a Pokemon game is going to be worse than tilting at windmills, but I gotta do what I gotta do. And that means asking…what the eff is up with all this reading? Please don’t play that in your head in a Jerry Seinfeld voice. I really don’t mean this as an observational comedy bit. I seriously just don’t get it. I mean it. What is up with all the reading here? I’m not against reading. I’m not a person that avoids seeing subtitled films. I do not object to words at all. But I do object to unnecessary words, and it seems to me that most of the words I’m scrolling through in this Pokemon “game” are unnecessary. By way of example, I just got done with a cellphone conversation with my mom (in the game) that basically went like this:
Mom: Dingus! I’ve been worried about you.
Me: I’m fine, Mom.
Mom: Well it’s great to hear your voice but I have to get off the phone now. Talk to you soon!
Guess what happens the very next moment. Give up? My mom suddenly appears behind me in Accumula Town in order to give me an item. The very next moment she’s on the screen with me. The phone call was wholly unnecessary. As is most of the dialogue in the game so far. You get dialogue about one of your friends always being late that amounts to nothing. Bits about another friend who is very difficult but honest. And on and on as your right thumb succumbs to carpal tunnel syndrome.
Knock. Knock. Now eventually there is going to be game playing in this game, right? Hello?
Pokemon has a rich and storied past. I know that. I have a kid in the first grade. I see the hold Pokemons have on kids on a daily basis. Not on my kid, but his love of dinosaurs and Bionicles shows me how the whole taxonomy thing plays out, and I imagine that’s the slot Pokemons fill for millions of kids in the world. So far, though, I cannot imagine any of the Pokemon-collecting kids I know playing a game like this. And it’s not because they cannot read. It’s just because when a kid opens his DS, he’s expecting a game. Not a Kindle.