The guy who usually writes my clever intros is out this week, so
I'll do the game review equivalent of the stuff that announcers
say really fast at the end of all radio commercials for cars, and
explain what "The Geryk Analysis" is. Every now and then,
on this very site, I'll choose a game that Tom Chick liked, and
explain why it's the worst game ever made. This may or may not be
done in conjunction with a comparison to a game that Tom didn't
like, which I'll prove to be superior in every way. Since Tom likes
a lot of bad games, this isn't going to be too hard. Actual proof
may not be forthcoming. Offer not valid in Puerto Rico.
Before I get started I want to get some things out of the way that
will hopefully prevent a repeat of the last time I did this, when
Tom egged on the developer of Shadow Watch so he'd send me death
threats. To the developers of Majesty (who I believe are Cyberlore):
I'm sorry. Your game is terrible. Before you get all angry at me
and write nasty letters to the AMA, please understand that this
state of affairs is entirely your fault. Not mine. I didn't design
your game. That I recall. I understand that I, in fact, may have
designed your game, in the same way that JFK may have been
tricked (by a conspiracy) into precipitating the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Against his will. Because if I really did design Majesty, it was
against my will. Kind of like writing this article. Just ask Roger
Donaldson.
To be honest, I don't know how I got here. A couple of guys stopped
me on the street and asked for directions, and before I knew what
was happening, I was getting stuffed into the back seat of a car.
I don't remember much of what happened next, except that now I'm
here, it's quarter to three, and somebody keeps repeating, "Taaaax
collector!" God, that drives me fucking nuts.
I guess the issue is Majesty. Frankly, when this game came out
I ignored it because it sounded really dumb. (Ooooh, "the fantasy
kingdom sim!") Plus it didn't have a lot of ads in game magazines,
which is how I judge games. It's also how I review games. When I'm
pressed for time. But for some reason, Usenet llamas started posting
about how wonderful this game was, despite the lukewarm reception
it was getting from the press. This should have been my first warning:
when a bunch of people with way too much time on their hands start
saying a game is good, and this opinion conflicts with that of experienced
professionals who have been paid to either praise or trash a game
based on its advertising budget, you know you're in trouble. These
are the kind of fights I like to stay out of, except when people
drug me and throw me into the backs of cars. Given the situation
I'm in (drugged and nearly unconscious) I'd like to say exactly
what I think of Majesty. Well, as Don Johnson said at the end of
the final Miami Vice: "Do it. If you've got the stones."
Which I do, Rico. Which I do.
