TomChick - :60 Reviews - Comments - 10/30/04
We wouldn't be in the mess we're in right now if GolemLabs had given George Bush an advance copy of SuperPower 2, which "is more realistic with more depth than ever" and based on "real data from the C.I.A., U.N., and U.S. military". Because if Bush had played it, he would have known that if you drag select all the units in the United States and move them to Iraq, the country will be yours in six months. Actually, you get military control of the entire place in about a week, but it's another six months for political control since you have to wait that long for the annexation treaty to go through.
While I was waiting, I decided to explore further how much better at Presidenting I am than George Bush. So I went ahead and took North Korea and then Iran, thereby eliminating the Axis of Evil in less time than it took Bush to think up the phrase. It was easy as pie, so I can't imagine why George Bush couldn't figure it out. Maybe all those years spanking Skull n' Bones pledges at Yale, rolling dollar bills into tight straw-sized tubes, and clearing out his offices from failed corporate ventures gave him painful carpal tunnel syndrome that prevents drag selecting.
To be fair to our unesteemed President, it did get a little tricky with Iran, because then other countries started attacking me in drips and drabs. They were basically little fifth-rate players like Libya, Syria, Yemen, and Myanmar, not to mention those ungrateful bastards, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. Maybe GolemLabs forgot to put the first Gulf War in the game, because considering our pre-2002 track record cleaning up messes over there, I don't know why they'd freak out when I save their asses from Saddam and then throw into the bargain security from Iran's mullahs.
So I took a page from Harry Truman and nuked Saudi Arabia to show everyone that I meant business. I don't know if it made any difference, but I think the attacks in Iran are easing up. Actually, I can't really tell, since they just show up as puffs of smoke and I have no interest in clicking on them to watch pictures of tanks and jets that don't even shoot at each other. Besides, my approval rating as President went back up to 90% within a year of launching nukes, with US stability holding steady at around 83%. That's a hell of a lot better than President Bush is doing and he hasn't even gotten around to launching nukes yet. So I got bored of that game and decided to win peace in the Middle East by going to root of the crisis. I loaded up a game as Israel and annexed the Gaza Strip and the West Bank. Within six months, voila!, no more Palestinian problem. I swear, based on SuperPower 2, I don't know what the big deal is about global politics, because I'm doing a hell of a lot better than the people in charge. Of course, the joke is on me, because now I'm the one with Starforce copy protection drivers still on my system even though I've uninstalled SuperPower 2.
Read Tom's full review of SuperPower 2 on Gamespy.