Shoot Club: Saving Private Donny
TomChick - Columns - Comments - 07/11/04
So now Trevor has recruited us for an important mission.
"My sister is totally freaking out," Trevor explained, "so Donny is coming to Shoot Club tonight".
Donny's brother is a Marine. He was injured while they were on patrol in Baghdad. He sustained third degree burns on both arms trying to pull someone out of a burning Humvee. They saved his hands, but he lost four fingers. Three on the right and one on the left.
"He was learning to play guitar," Trevor says. "So much for that."
He's in Germany now and he'll be coming home in a few weeks, but they'll be doing skin grafts for months. And the guy in the Humvee didn't make it.
Trevor's telling me this while we patch Joint Operations. Now maybe there won't be so many crazy things like a stack of giant boats humping each other and people dropping from the back of helicopters in inflatable rafts, landing safely like Indiana Jones, Short Round, and Kate Capshaw in Temple of Doom.
"My sister asked me to do whatever I can to keep Donny from wanting to join the Marines like his brother. So what we've got to do tonight is make combat look completely unfun to Donny. Got it?"
The last computer is patched. We'll pick up Donny at eight. Everyone will get here a half hour early for the briefing. Trevor and I go online and play for a while to kill some time. Here are the things we say out loud when we're playing Joint Ops online: 'You moron, land the helicopter and let me out', 'What the fuck, come back and give some of us a ride', 'Quit shooting your fucking gun at the windshield so I can see', 'Don't fucking respawn when you see my medic icon coming towards you', and 'Would some of you goddamn morons defend?' However, the thing we say most of all is 'Fucking snipers', although we're actually glad to see so many snipers on the other team, because those are guys who aren't capturing flags.
Now everyone's here, sitting in the dining room. They know something's up, but they don't know what. After a couple of 'Is this just another bug hunt?' and 'I'm Hudson, sir, he's Hicks' references, Trevor explains what's going on.
"There's going to be a kid at Shoot Club tonight. It's my nephew. We're going to be playing Joint Ops with him, but here's the thing: we have to beat him bad. He can't win. He can't get a single frag. As soon as he spawns, shoot him. The idea is we want to slap him down constantly."
"Jesus, Trevor, he's a kid," Peter says.
"I know. It's going to be tough. That's why we need a plan. Here's the plan: no one attacks anyone but Donny. He'll get frustrated and give up."
"Attack him even if he's on your team?"
"Especially if he's on your team, because he won't be expecting it. Shoot him and blame fog of war. Faulty communications gear. Poor command and control. Stuff like that. But make sure you shoot him before he gets to any of the fun parts. Got it?"
"How long is he staying?" Jude asks. "When do we get to play for real?"
"He's staying as long as he needs to. This is aversion therapy. It's for a good cause. His brother just got hurt in Iraq. We need to make sure the same thing doesn't happen to him."
"Wait, wait, let me get this straight. You're worried that if we let him have fun playing Joint Operations, he's going to want to join the military?" Jude shakes his head.
"Ever heard of that game, America's Army?" Trevor asks. "You know why it's free? Because it's a recruiting tool. See what I'm saying?"
"He's right," I say, "At least about America's Army."
"What happened to his brother?" Peter asks.
Me and Trevor explain. They're quiet for a minute and then Eric says, "Man, I'm not sure I feel like playing Joint Ops now. That just feels wrong."
"Come on, it's just a game," Trevor says.
"Are you sure Donny wants to play a game like this?" Eric asks. "Isn't it a little weird?"
"I don't know," Trevor says, "I mean, it's not like his brother got shot. It was a bomb on the road. I don't think they have that in Joint Ops."
"They have claymores and satchel charges," Peter offers.
"I don't think that's the same. In Iraq, they call these things IEDs. Improvised explosive devices. Like those grenade booby traps in Vietcong. So Vietcong might be weird for Donny, but I think this is okay."
"Well, if you think it'll help, you can count us in," Peter says, "I'll even play." Peter gets motion sickness playing first person shooters, so he spends most of his time at Shoot Club trying to get people to play RTSs.
Before Trevor leaves to pick up Donny, he tells us not to cuss when Donny gets here. Jude points out that it might be physically impossible not to cuss while playing Joint Ops. "It's like trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze," he says. "It just can't be done."
"Well, try. He's a kid. Try not to set a bad example. Remember, we're on a mission."
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