I want to kill pigeons.

Bill Dungsroman · 06-30-2006, 02:31 PM

Effing birds. Here I am, in my nice new house, and these FUCKING PIGEONS just have to try to build their nest on my roof, right under the eave above my home office window. I'm playing Splinter Cell and it's SKRIIITCH SCKITCH SKRITCH I'm jerking off to ampland porn and it's SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH. Every week, I get a busted pigeon egg frying on my driveway, because there is no real place to nest on my roof, but that doesn't stop this idiot pigeon. I go outside and spray him the face with my hose, and he flies to the next house and sits there on the edge of the roof, waiting for me to go back inside my house. Jerkoff bird. HELP ME KILL IT.

Raife · 06-30-2006, 02:36 PM

http://www.barrettrifles.com/

Lunch of Kong · 06-30-2006, 02:40 PM

Either poison them or shoot them. Or the rage will continue.

Ephraim · 06-30-2006, 02:40 PM

My veterinarian-to-be fiancee would kill me if I told you how to kill them.

Plus it's usually illegal to do so.

Instead I'll offer this site as a solution to your woes.

The best thing about this deterrent? You'll feel just like a Viet Cong guerilla, leaving behind punji stakes for careless GIs.

Ed Solomon · 06-30-2006, 02:41 PM

Though killing the bird might be satisfying, you're probably better off preventing the birds from nesting. Have you thought about those small metal spikes that give a place that jaunty medieval fortress look?

Edit: Ephraim beat me to it.

Joel · 06-30-2006, 02:42 PM

Does your house not have roof access or are you just a gigantic, flapping vagina?

Bill Dungsroman · 06-30-2006, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joel

Does your house not have roof access or are you just a gigantic, flapping vagina?

Both. I'd need a 20-foot ladder to get to the eave of my second-story office window. Do they make poison feed? I don't want to just straight up poison them with antifreeze or whatever, as I've heard that might poison a wandering mouser kitty that thinks it got lucky with all the dead birds laying around.

Lunch of Kong · 06-30-2006, 03:07 PM

My asshole friend Dave says you can get a pellet gun, or you can get the bird spikes. But you'd be more satisfied with the pellet gun. 40 bucks at Walmart for a decent one, then you go all Lee Harvey on them.

Spikes mean you give the problem to your neighbor. Pellet gun means you solve the problem for everyone.

btw, now that you own a house, you should also own a fiberglass ladder. Pick one up from home depot on your way to walmart.

Robert Sharp · 06-30-2006, 03:13 PM

What's ampland porn?

Lunch of Kong · 06-30-2006, 03:14 PM

Find out for yourself. type it into google.

Ed Solomon · 06-30-2006, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roger Wong

My asshole friend Dave says you can get a pellet gun, or you can get the bird spikes. But you'd be more satisfied with the pellet gun. 40 bucks at Walmart for a decent one, then you go all Lee Harvey on them.

Spikes mean you give the problem to your neighbor. Pellet gun means you solve the problem for everyone.

btw, now that you own a house, you should also own a fiberglass ladder. Pick one up from home depot on your way to walmart.

Screw the neighbors. Get the spikes.

ScurvyPig · 06-30-2006, 03:52 PM

Get a Hawk (yes, capitalized). Pigeons first and then the cats that have been annoying you. There is a childrens book that can guide you through this. I'm surprised you haven't read it.

There used to be a hawk across the street, nesting in a large Tudor. He (or she) used to swoop on the pigeons who decided to nest on the same broken bricks as well. Coolest thing I've ever seen mainly for the midair grabs and the pigeons refusal to relocate. The next year both the pigeons and hawk were gone.

Theodore Rex DX · 06-30-2006, 04:18 PM

Ah, the rats of the sky. Don't use poison, because you will totally kill non-pigeons if you do. And then you'll just have a bunch of corpses on the roof. I say go with spikes.

ScurvyPig · 06-30-2006, 04:37 PM

I'll just add this: Bird Spikes that look like improvised white-trash antennas or a Red-Tailed Hawk?

arctangent · 06-30-2006, 04:50 PM

If you poison the pigeons, your neighbors with cats will sue you for killing their pets. Or shoot your ass. Use the spikes.

Marsh Davies · 06-30-2006, 05:32 PM

I got shat on by a pigeon tonight. You need to terminate those fuckers with extreme fucking prejudice.

John Many Jars · 06-30-2006, 05:48 PM

Aren't they supposed to explode internally if you feed them Alka-Seltzer?

Rob Beschizza · 06-30-2006, 05:55 PM

A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a "whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon's head off" situation.

JMR · 06-30-2006, 06:20 PM

Ohhh noes they invaded Bill's house!

Bill Dungsroman · 06-30-2006, 06:34 PM

Okay, see, I don't want to freak out the kids on the street by BLOWING OFF PIGEON HEADS HEEEHEEHEHEHEHPOTREZEBIE or whatnot. UHUHHHH MOMMEEEE WHYYYYY and all that. I'm good-neighborly that way. So, like, I guess I'll check out Home Depot and listen to The Kurgan tell me about all the great deals they offer and see if they have some sort of killer birdseed that won't kill ze kittens. I was wondering if anybody knew if they made that shit or not, because I'm not all that into a Home Depot 4th of July Weekend Bring the Kids Martha visit.

Stroker Ace · 06-30-2006, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rob Beschizza

A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a "whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon's head off" situation.

I'm reminded of the time my father - a sober hunter of 35 years - blew out the window in his Bronco II with a ricochet while shooting bumblebees in our carport with a BB pistol. He was *quite* embarassed.

SlyFrog · 06-30-2006, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stroker Ace

I'm reminded of the time my father - a sober hunter of 35 years - blew out the window in his Bronco II with a ricochet while shooting bumblebees in our carport with a BB pistol. He was *quite* embarassed.

My friend did exactly the same thing with a .22 while shooting at a skunk. Of course, that was out in the country, but same deal, richochet off the ground, right through the rear window.

ScurvyPig · 06-30-2006, 06:59 PM

Okay, so the hawk is out. How about a kitten picked up from the pound? They're cute but deadly. Let them roam on the roof and, within a year, the pigeons will be cowed.

Don't poison them. If you think you have a mess now, wait until 70 pigeon carcasses surround your house.

Bill Dungsroman · 06-30-2006, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScurvyPig

Okay, so the hawk is out. How about a kitten picked up from the pound? They're cute but deadly. Let them roam on the roof and, within a year, the pigeons will be cowed.

Don't poison them. If you think you have a mess now, wait until 70 pigeon carcasses surround your house.

Heh yeah, but at this point, I think it's only 1-3. One of them, man, s/he's a tenacious em effer. I mean seriously, I spray his face with a water hose and it still lands.

Erik J. · 06-30-2006, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Dungsroman

Heh yeah, but at this point, I think it's only 1-3. One of them, man, s/he's a tenacious em effer. I mean seriously, I spray his face with a water hose and it still lands.

Is anyone else amused by the mental image of Bill walking around with a hose yelling "Get off mah lawn!"?

Erik J.

John Many Jars · 06-30-2006, 07:48 PM

Those plastic owl statues are really supposed to work. Some report good results with a rubber snake, but then a heron might come and eat the snake.

Bill Dungsroman · 06-30-2006, 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erik J.

Is anyone else amused by the mental image of Bill walking around with a hose yelling "Get off mah lawn!"?

Erik J.

It's not far from the truth. ARE YOU STUPID? ARE YOU THAT STUPID. OH DIDN'T LIKE THAT DID YOU?

Erik J. · 06-30-2006, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Dungsroman

It's not far from the truth. ARE YOU STUPID? ARE YOU THAT STUPID. OH DIDN'T LIKE THAT DID YOU?

Those pigeons sure put you in a fine(r) mood, Bill. Suuuure do.

Erik J.

Bill Dungsroman · 06-30-2006, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScurvyPig

Okay, so the hawk is out. How about a kitten picked up from the pound? They're cute but deadly. Let them roam on the roof and, within a year, the pigeons will be cowed.

I would Scurv, but I live in Vegas and it's 110 out during the day. I THOUGHT I BOUGHT A WHITE CAT WHAT'S THIS BROWN DEAD ONE DOING HERE.

The best part of all of this, though, is that my thread about killing pigeons has indirectly caused Robert Sharp to jerk off more.

Charles · 06-30-2006, 09:29 PM

This thread reminds me of why I kick any pigeon that doesn't move it's fat ass out of my way while I'm walking.

Fucking rats.

I had an apartment in Toronto, just off of Highpark, which had a great view and a huge balcony. Unfortunately, the place had been empty for some time when I moved in. The pigeons had already taken it over. Inch thick with bird shit. Nests everywhere. I tried to fight them, but it was no luck, so they just got the balcony. When they started trying to sit on the window outside my room, I bought a spray gun and took delight in nailing them in the face. Note that like in Bill's case, they did not stay away. They are too stupid for that.

Seriously though, it's not the SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH that will annoy you in the long run. It's the COOOOOCOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO.

06-30-2006, 02:31 PM	#1
Bill Dungsroman World's End Supernova Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Summit of Mt. Sexy Posts: 15,597	I want to kill pigeons. Effing birds. Here I am, in my nice new house, and these FUCKING PIGEONS just have to try to build their nest on my roof, right under the eave above my home office window. I'm playing Splinter Cell and it's SKRIIITCH SCKITCH SKRITCH I'm jerking off to ampland porn and it's SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH. Every week, I get a busted pigeon egg frying on my driveway, because there is no real place to nest on my roof, but that doesn't stop this idiot pigeon. I go outside and spray him the face with my hose, and he flies to the next house and sits there on the edge of the roof, waiting for me to go back inside my house. Jerkoff bird. HELP ME KILL IT.

06-30-2006, 06:34 PM	#20
Bill Dungsroman World's End Supernova Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Summit of Mt. Sexy Posts: 15,597	LAWLZ@JMR Okay, see, I don't want to freak out the kids on the street by BLOWING OFF PIGEON HEADS HEEEHEEHEHEHEHPOTREZEBIE or whatnot. UHUHHHH MOMMEEEE WHYYYYY and all that. I'm good-neighborly that way. So, like, I guess I'll check out Home Depot and listen to The Kurgan tell me about all the great deals they offer and see if they have some sort of killer birdseed that won't kill ze kittens. I was wondering if anybody knew if they made that shit or not, because I'm not all that into a Home Depot 4th of July Weekend Bring the Kids Martha visit.

06-30-2006, 02:36 PM	#2
Raife New Romantic Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Gtag: Plasmasaint Posts: 8,420	http://www.barrettrifles.com/

06-30-2006, 02:40 PM	#3
Lunch of Kong How To Go Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Austin, TX. XBOX: Wonginator Posts: 10,842	Either poison them or shoot them. Or the rage will continue.

06-30-2006, 02:40 PM	#4
Ephraim Social Worker Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Montreal, QC Gamertag: FriarCoop Posts: 3,597	My veterinarian-to-be fiancee would kill me if I told you how to kill them. Plus it's usually illegal to do so. Instead I'll offer this site as a solution to your woes. The best thing about this deterrent? You'll feel just like a Viet Cong guerilla, leaving behind punji stakes for careless GIs.

06-30-2006, 02:41 PM	#5
Ed Solomon Social Worker Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Standing tough under stars and stripes Posts: 3,064	Though killing the bird might be satisfying, you're probably better off preventing the birds from nesting. Have you thought about those small metal spikes that give a place that jaunty medieval fortress look? Edit: Ephraim beat me to it.

06-30-2006, 02:42 PM	#6
Joel Social Worker Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Brooklyn, NY Posts: 2,133	Does your house not have roof access or are you just a gigantic, flapping vagina?

06-30-2006, 03:07 PM	#8
Lunch of Kong How To Go Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Austin, TX. XBOX: Wonginator Posts: 10,842	My asshole friend Dave says you can get a pellet gun, or you can get the bird spikes. But you'd be more satisfied with the pellet gun. 40 bucks at Walmart for a decent one, then you go all Lee Harvey on them. Spikes mean you give the problem to your neighbor. Pellet gun means you solve the problem for everyone. btw, now that you own a house, you should also own a fiberglass ladder. Pick one up from home depot on your way to walmart.

06-30-2006, 03:13 PM	#9
Robert Sharp World's End Supernova Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: somewhere in OH gamertag: bobertchin Posts: 15,939	What's ampland porn?

06-30-2006, 03:14 PM	#10
Lunch of Kong How To Go Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Austin, TX. XBOX: Wonginator Posts: 10,842	Find out for yourself. type it into google.

06-30-2006, 03:52 PM	#12
ScurvyPig Spinning Toe Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: NY Posts: 700	Get a Hawk (yes, capitalized). Pigeons first and then the cats that have been annoying you. There is a childrens book that can guide you through this. I'm surprised you haven't read it. There used to be a hawk across the street, nesting in a large Tudor. He (or she) used to swoop on the pigeons who decided to nest on the same broken bricks as well. Coolest thing I've ever seen mainly for the midair grabs and the pigeons refusal to relocate. The next year both the pigeons and hawk were gone.

06-30-2006, 04:18 PM	#13
Theodore Rex DX Social Worker Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: At the Crossroads Posts: 3,517	Ah, the rats of the sky. Don't use poison, because you will totally kill non-pigeons if you do. And then you'll just have a bunch of corpses on the roof. I say go with spikes.

06-30-2006, 04:37 PM	#14
ScurvyPig Spinning Toe Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: NY Posts: 700	I'll just add this: Bird Spikes that look like improvised white-trash antennas or a Red-Tailed Hawk?

06-30-2006, 04:50 PM	#15
arctangent Neo Acoustic Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: in the woods Posts: 1,913	If you poison the pigeons, your neighbors with cats will sue you for killing their pets. Or shoot your ass. Use the spikes.

06-30-2006, 05:32 PM	#16
Marsh Davies Hustle Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Bath, UK Gamertag: oh what fun Posts: 323	I got shat on by a pigeon tonight. You need to terminate those fuckers with extreme fucking prejudice.

06-30-2006, 05:48 PM	#17
John Many Jars Social Worker Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 4,542	Aren't they supposed to explode internally if you feed them Alka-Seltzer?

06-30-2006, 05:55 PM	#18
Rob Beschizza Social Worker Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 3,154	A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a "whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon's head off" situation.

06-30-2006, 06:20 PM	#19
JMR Social Worker Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 3,336	Ohhh noes they invaded Bill's house!

06-30-2006, 06:59 PM	#23
ScurvyPig Spinning Toe Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: NY Posts: 700	Okay, so the hawk is out. How about a kitten picked up from the pound? They're cute but deadly. Let them roam on the roof and, within a year, the pigeons will be cowed. Don't poison them. If you think you have a mess now, wait until 70 pigeon carcasses surround your house.

06-30-2006, 07:48 PM	#26
John Many Jars Social Worker Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 4,542	Those plastic owl statues are really supposed to work. Some report good results with a rubber snake, but then a heron might come and eat the snake.

06-30-2006, 09:29 PM	#30
Charles [Solium Infernum] How To Go Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Toronto, Ontario Posts: 14,238	This thread reminds me of why I kick any pigeon that doesn't move it's fat ass out of my way while I'm walking. Fucking rats. I had an apartment in Toronto, just off of Highpark, which had a great view and a huge balcony. Unfortunately, the place had been empty for some time when I moved in. The pigeons had already taken it over. Inch thick with bird shit. Nests everywhere. I tried to fight them, but it was no luck, so they just got the balcony. When they started trying to sit on the window outside my room, I bought a spray gun and took delight in nailing them in the face. Note that like in Bill's case, they did not stay away. They are too stupid for that. Seriously though, it's not the SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH that will annoy you in the long run. It's the COOOOOCOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO.

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I want to kill pigeons.