You will never have anything but dysfunctional relationships until you learn to trust others. Jealous people suffer from a combination of incredibly low self-esteem and a near-pathological need to control others. If you're asking for advice about how to continue to be an emotionally immature and controlling person in a long term relationship, the answer is: make sure you're with a codependent personality that is willing to put up with your emotional abuse. If you're asking for advice about how to foster a healthy relationship, the answer is simple: stop trying to control her and be willing to trust her. If you can't do that, the relationship is already doomed -- regardless of whether she hooks up with her new facebook friend or not.
I think it must be people who don't drink who seem to think anyone who touches alcohol is going to turn into some sort of crazed drunken stupor. Drinking doesn't equal drunk. If you don't think your girlfriend is capable of drinking responsibly, you really shouldn't be bandying about the 'm' word.Originally Posted by divorced
If you have a problem with her going out with her gal pals to drink, I don't know if I can trust your assessment of the situation. I mean, we're not really in the era of the afternoon tea any more.
I concur. I met my wife on match.com. I knew she was the one because i totally trusted her. I was once the jealous/controlling type, which does MORE harm than good. It pushes people away. The fact that you HATE it when your gf goes out with her friends is an issue YOU need to deal with. Its you, and NOT the idea that people get drunk and do 'bad' things. I get drunk, but that in no way makes me think of cheating on my wife. I went through therapy to deal with low-self esteem issues that led to me being jealous and controlling.
If someones the cheating type, its best to find out NOW, not later. And thinking that by having them stay home and be sober will somehow solve the issue is false. If someone is in love with you, they could go to chippendales, get piss drunk and STILL have zero interaction with anyone. Because its not like you forget yourself.
In this world, you REALLY need to find the center within you, not someone else. You need to understand that if she is interested in someone else, its HER loss. If you can attract a beautiful woman like her to you, you can attract other beautiful women. And think how much more attractive you will be if you are more trusting, less jealous. You are an important person in this world, just as important as she is. If she's doing anything with this married guy, she's already travelling down a dead end road. Who needs to be with short-sighted people.
Now I understand that to a certain degree, we we all want to be told that everythings just fine and dandy. Who wants to fall apart?? But, having kids myself, I've always felt that whenever bad things happen to me, its an opportunity for me to learn how to deal with adversity. If my children ever have the same problem, I can help them because I've been through it. I dread the day when one of my children come to me with a problem and I have no idea how to help them due to lack of experience. I do not want to see my kids suffer with me being helpless.
Jorune
ps. Keep your head high!
This.
divorced:
I used to follow the same mental/emotional patterns as you - insecurity, jealousy, and automatically assuming that drunk / hanging out with exes / etc means she's going to cheat on you.
You need to get your shit together pronto if you want your relationship to work. I wish I had specific things I could point to that worked for me - but honestly I don't. It was mostly self esteem at the end of the day; which took me a while to develop.
Out of curiosity - how much time in your adult life have you spent single?
Ummm... so you think being jealous and controlling actually does some small amount of good?
'does more harm than good' is a common saying, click the link to learn it's definition. Here's another - don't pick pepper out of rat shit. I hope I don't need to explain that one to ya
;-)
Jorune
Ryan and jeffd are right, divorced, and I think you should start relationship therapy (for yourself, alone) as soon as possible. If you would like to have a healthy, supportive, adult relationship, that is. But you wanted advice on what to do.
The level of relational pathology you're displaying in your posts is immense; I don't know where to begin. The depth and significance of the problems you're displaying can't be dealt with on a message board. Get professional help, is my humble recommendation.
What's the deal with you and booze? I could see getting upset if she went out drinking with guys, but you don't want her going out with her female coworkers? That seems a little smothering. Like others have said, alcohol merely lowers inhibitions, it doesn't change who you are. If she got drunk and kissed another guy, I agree you should get upset about that, because it means she wanted to. But not trusting her to go out at all is way over the top.
Beyond that, I agree with Kael. You tried talking to her about it, now it's time for sleuthing. If it turns out she's telling the truth, you know you can trust her more than you thought. And if not, well, it's still better to know. Of course, if you get caught she'll know she can't trust you. So don't get caught.
Guys guy guys... do you think maybe I haven't told you every detail about things that have transpired here? A couple of you responded like I bitch slapped your mothers. Level of relational pathology??? With all due respect, but Doom are you qualified to make a statement like that? Yes I have a hard time trusting her, but there are other factors that y'all have no knowledge of. I don't mean that as a personal slam, so please don't take it as such. My hatred for her going out comes from a couple of incidents about a year ago and then about 6 months ago. Someone above said I was emotionally immature, but I don't believe we have ever met. You can't make a generalization about someone based on a few lines of text. People are far more complicated and answers are seldom quite as simplistic as some of those posted here.
I can make generalizations about people who bring their relationship problems to a Forum devoted to gaming.
Um, wasn't this a thread on internet dating in the "everything else" category???
;)
That you think you scored a point there only reinforces my statement.
Yup, you can do whatever you want. Thanks for playing.
Zero interest in getting involved in some childish flame nonsense because of this.
Nice parting gifts on your way out though...
Care to fill us in? When she gets drunk does she start kissing strangers? Because seriously, the alcohol is not what you need to worry about. As was mentioned before, if you're really committed to someone you could be shitfaced at a frat party and nothing will happen. If something does happen, it means that at some level you want it to. And that's what you should worry about.
huh. I don't understand whta the hellw i s being posted here. what are we talking babout?
Dude, you asked. We can only go on the information you provided up to the point where you asked us for advice. If there's more to the story, maybe that's information we need.Guys guy guys... do you think maybe I haven't told you every detail about things that have transpired here? A couple of you responded like I bitch slapped your mothers. Level of relational pathology??? With all due respect, but Doom are you qualified to make a statement like that? Yes I have a hard time trusting her, but there are other factors that y'all have no knowledge of. I don't mean that as a personal slam, so please don't take it as such. My hatred for her going out comes from a couple of incidents about a year ago and then about 6 months ago. Someone above said I was emotionally immature, but I don't believe we have ever met. You can't make a generalization about someone based on a few lines of text. People are far more complicated and answers are seldom quite as simplistic as some of those posted here.
Might as well ask what's up. Maybe the 17 year old is their love child and he finally wants to reconnect with his long-lost child?
That's the point. He'll keep justifying and excusing his behavior (which I'm sure to him feels completely justified and rational) with extenuating circumstances and more stories of past behavior.
But none of it matters. No matter how much else gets posted about the past, or other circumstances, it's clear to me that his relational world is deeply disfunctional and codependent. My suggestion is professional help, and that won't change.
That's a diagnosis based on a lot of work to make my own relationships less codependent and disfunctional. I am not a relationship or therapeutic professional, of course, but he did ask my opinion. There it is.
I suspect he would be cool with your response, as (even if I disagreed with it) it was offered specific advice to his question and was well intentioned. Some of the other responses seemed a lot more visceral.
For example, in response to divorced request for advice it's fair to say either that he should:
a. trust his girlfriend and let his worries go
or
b. he should follow up on his suspicions and find out for sure.
Its not fair to say that his girlfriend is cheating on him and call her names, or to tell divorced that he is a jerk for thinking this and has issues. Not that either side can't possibly be true, only that we don't have the information to make that call (not that that ever stopped us before, this is an internet forum where we blab about dumb stuff all day long so you get what you get).
And yes, maybe divorced could offer more information. But why cant we just offer our 2 cent opinions on the partial info we have. Granted we could give better advice if we had more info, but maybe he doesnt want to get into that and just get some feedback on a tiny slice.
Finally, one warning for divorced. It would be nice if we all talked as friends here. But frankly that isn't what this is, it's an internet forum. Be ready for very direct, and often uninformed opinions. Thats what internet forums do. Be it in threads about ps3's vs xboxs, gamers bill of rights, tiger woods, or personal issues people decide to post. Find a good friend who knows you and isnt afraid to tell you you have your head up your ass (if needed) and talk to him/her about it.
Last edited by Kael; 12-26-2009 at 08:15 PM.
That was the nicest thing ever posted on Qt3.
Chicks, man.
Because that would be boring.
Amen, brother.
divorced, if you can't trust her, you shouldn't be with her, whether or not your suspicions are founded. Marrying her isn't magically going to make the suspicions go away.
I would just like to add, as a semi-professional drinker, that booze does not make you do things you are opposed to doing. It makes you do things that you actually, deep down, want to do, but are too shy/embarrassed/otherwise inhibited from doing.
So if your gal pal gets drunk and bones some random guy, on some level, she wanted to bone that guy even while sober.
This disturbs me because on some level it means I yearn to be a country singer, if past experience is any guide.
On the dating front, the winker and me (sounds like a great TV movie) are supposed to be meeting on Wednesday if his schedule doesn't go kerblooey again (he works for Air Canada, which is currently considering banning pants on flights or something). I'm also getting back in touch with another guy and should theoretically be meeting him before New Year's. Finally, the POF guy replied today and told me I was handsome. :o
Actually, it sounds like an even better porn title.
Last edited by Mordrak; 12-27-2009 at 07:33 PM. Reason: ARGH!
Okay, a late night Cinemax TV movie. As long as it's not a bedroom farce, I'll take it. :P
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