I read this as FUQ Cleve, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
I can't take credit for this, I just found it, since this forum is now 'Cleve's Crazy Corner' I thought this would be the best place to put it:
And I'd like to add that after doing a bit of research I now have nothing but the deepest pity for Cleve, he's a sad little man who's 'friends' lie to him, and who lives in his sad little world predicting doom for everyone and everything, all the while gathering his intelligence from any source where 'cut n paste' can apply.==========================================
A FAQ ON CLEVE BLAKEMORE's THREADS ON USENET
Distribution : comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.adventure
Date Created : Nov 25 1998
Version : 1.0
Author : Syed Noman Ahmad
To let the adventure newsgroup readers know about the type of
threads which they should expect if they see the name Cleve
involved in the discussion.
This FAQ is for one time distribution only.
Q : Man, I just got flamed by Cleve. What should I do ?
A : Read this FAQ. That's what you should do.
Q : Ok let's start with........ who is this guy?
A : He's writing "Grimoire" - the greatest RPG of all time.
Q : When 'll it be out ?
A : Early 1997.
Q : So it's out ?
A : No.
Q : Hmmm.. has he created other games before ?
A : Yes, hundreds of them on different platforms. He's the
world's greatest programmer.
Q : Really.. he is ?
A : Yes and Grimoire 'd be out in early 97.
Q : Are you trying to flame him ?
A : Of course not. This is for educational purposes only.
Q : Why did he flame me ?
A : Because he 's better than you.
Q : Is not !
A : Rewrite it as a question. This is a FAQ.
Q : Why'd you say he 's better than me ?
A : Because he says so himself. He is highly intelligent and
compared to him most other people are monkeys.
Q : Wow. I am impressed. So he talks about other intelligent
things too ?
A : Yes, he talks about communism, free enterprise, magazine
editors who are commies, women with moustaches who do well
because of the manly trait, Ayn Rand, Neitcshe...
Q : You didn't write that last name correctly. Do you know
A : Yes, but do you know the spelling ?
Q : No.
A : Then shut up.
Q : Ok, ok... but what you wrote above didn't make much sense.
Does it ?
A : Right and neither does Cleve.
Q : Heh... those Australians can never make sense. I noticed
an ".au" in his email address. He is an Australian. Right ?
A : Actually, no.
Millions of Australians : NO WAY !!
Lord Marcus : Hey, I like Cleve and I am an Australian
Couple of million more Australians : Beer !!
Q : So where is he from ?
A : US of A.
Q : What's his opinions about US ?
A : He thinks that because of Bill of Rights, Americans are
the smartest people in the whole world. Non-americans are
mindless robots for most part.
Q : Nah, he didn't say that. Did he ?
A : Not exactly. He holds slightly lower opinion than what I
Q : So what is bill of rights, anyway ?
A : I am sorry, I forgot that this FAQ is not just for
Q : Don't worry I am an American.
A : Well, you don't have to know what it is. You just
have to live there and be counted as one of the
smartest people in the whole world.
Q : So why isn't he in US then ?
A : This one is a mystery. He says, he once threw a
person outside a second floor window in LA. Cleve is very
muscular. You can check Dejanews for this story (good
read :) )
Q : Did the person get seriously hurt ?
A : No. He survived. Hey it's no big deal. In LA, every third
person gets thrown off from some place. It's a strange city.
Q : So he has some bad memories from his days in US ?
A : Yes, but none more worse than what happened at SirTech.
Q : What happened there ?
A : He left.
Q : He was at SirTech ?
A : Yes, but he felt out of place among other monkeys. He did
work a little bit on Wizardry 7.
Q : So he's not working on Wizardry 8 ?
A : No. But this doesn't stop him for extending his *warm*
opinions about the game, the design team and lead designer
and how incompetent they are (and in particular she - lead
designer - is)
Q : I get it, she doesn't have moustaches.. right ?
A : Bingo !
Q : Ok, he doesn't like SirTech .. Who else ?
A : Steve Bauman.
Q : Who is he ?
A : The commie editor of CGS+. Cleve doesn't like Bethesda
or Interplay either.
Q : I thought Lord Marcus is the #1 Nuke-Bethesda guy ?
A : Yes.
Q : What do you mean ?
A : What do YOU mean ?
Q : ok forget it.. btw you don't like Cleve. Do you ?
A : Actually I do enjoy reading his posts. I may not agree
with him all the time but he creates good threads and is a
hell of a writer (I really mean it)
Lord Marcus: kickass cleve !
Q : What's your advice for me ?
A : Don't take the flames personally. You'll enjoy the show.
Q : Any quotes from Cleve ?
A : Here's a direct quote, (he's talking about Grimoire)
"I'd say my s**t is standing tall and taking names. If you
kicked my ass into the sky I would come down as sunshine,
that's how good I am at what I do"
I was planning to try to get rid of him, I feel his presence here (and the presence of those he brings with him) serves only to debase and degrade us all, but after a little looking I just pity him too much. I actually feel bad for posting this, but since the 40% of the forum is dead to me I thought I'd just leave a message for any future readers that stumble into here: Cleve does NOT represent us all, most of us are decent, hardworking people with little or no mental problems.
I think the best thing to do would be to seal this board off and leave it exclusively for Cleve since getting rid of him does not appear to be an option for whatever reason.
Cleve: You're a sick man, get help. I'm sorry you're the way you are, if I could IU would help you, but I can't. Please feel free to post whatever makes you feel better about being the object of almost universal pity and scorn. I for one pity you too much to really care. Try to find peace Cleve, try to realize that you need help.
I read this as FUQ Cleve, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
Try to find a doorframe your ass will slide through unassisted, Cookiepants and realize you may need a tie bar to leverage your butt cheeks together. You're a healthy boy, you just can't leave the house until they cut away a retaining wall and bring in a demolition crane to lift your doughy muttonchop carcass into a pool of marshmallow sauce as a permanent feeding pen. It's not universal pity and scorn that others feel towards you, it is disdain that you are taking up space that could be used to store international freight and warehouse safari animals. I for one pity you too much because you destroy an entire block of tract housing every time you have to be rolled over with a rental Bobcat.Originally Posted by Captain Cookiepants
I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're out there Narrator, please help me understand this one.
See what I mean by tiresome. For the love of Peter Parker, at least make fun of the fact that our Captain is stupid or unwashed or hideously disfigured or has sex with animals. He is all these things, but you cannot seem to lay off the fat thing.
He's all of those things, but his corpulent bulk combined with his falsetto teenage girl's voice is his most striking feature.Originally Posted by Tyjenks
The Captain added his real name to the end of the post as a counterbalance to what the people who he was here to be noticed by had come to refer to as his 'nom de duh'. The scales did not budge, and Mr. Verner's proverbial cookware became exactly zero shades lighter. Saddened, Cookiepants longed for the days when he had his own drooling, shadowy nemesis to contend with daily; being the one lunging wetly at the other bottom feeders was so unrewarding, it was forcing him perilously close to disastrous introspection.
Cookiepants, I believe you may be gay. And your sidekick Met K, he may be a poo stabber too.
The fact that you all are actively searching and dredging up Usenet posts is probably the biggest form of hero worship I have ever seen in my life.
Do you get a funny feeling in your pants when Cleve talks about his 19 inch arms?
The fact that you and Met K spend so much time and effort on a guy you supposedly despise. It is very telling my friend. Maybe just drop the facade and "come out"?
Cookiepants printed off my photo from the net on glossy high color paper and now keeps it beside his bedstand with a bottle of hand lotion and a box of tissue beside it. Whenever he feels Cleve-lust coming on, he uses a retractible robotic arm controlled by the keyboard (with camera mounted on the end because he can't see below his own belt) to pull his tiny peanut sized pud out of his circus pants and wiggle it until he reaches ecstasy.Originally Posted by hermyhermit
A secret love shared by two men of enormous girth in ego and flesh. The merging of 19 inches and cellulite may be beyond the threshold of decency for some, but to the creator, there could be no greater expression of perfection of the universe than the juxtaposition of strength and weakness. Two titans of intellect merge to form one gigantic mass, a greater love has never been expressed
Nice pinch hit double , mulligan.