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Thread: I want to kill pigeons.

  1. #1
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    I want to kill pigeons.

    Effing birds. Here I am, in my nice new house, and these FUCKING PIGEONS just have to try to build their nest on my roof, right under the eave above my home office window. I'm playing Splinter Cell and it's SKRIIITCH SCKITCH SKRITCH I'm jerking off to ampland porn and it's SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH. Every week, I get a busted pigeon egg frying on my driveway, because there is no real place to nest on my roof, but that doesn't stop this idiot pigeon. I go outside and spray him the face with my hose, and he flies to the next house and sits there on the edge of the roof, waiting for me to go back inside my house. Jerkoff bird. HELP ME KILL IT.

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  3. #3
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    Either poison them or shoot them. Or the rage will continue.

  4. #4
    New Romantic Ephraim's Avatar
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    My veterinarian-to-be fiancee would kill me if I told you how to kill them.

    Plus it's usually illegal to do so.

    Instead I'll offer this site as a solution to your woes.

    The best thing about this deterrent? You'll feel just like a Viet Cong guerilla, leaving behind punji stakes for careless GIs.

  5. #5
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    Though killing the bird might be satisfying, you're probably better off preventing the birds from nesting. Have you thought about those small metal spikes that give a place that jaunty medieval fortress look?

    Edit: Ephraim beat me to it.

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    Does your house not have roof access or are you just a gigantic, flapping vagina?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Joel
    Does your house not have roof access or are you just a gigantic, flapping vagina?
    Both. I'd need a 20-foot ladder to get to the eave of my second-story office window. Do they make poison feed? I don't want to just straight up poison them with antifreeze or whatever, as I've heard that might poison a wandering mouser kitty that thinks it got lucky with all the dead birds laying around.

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    My asshole friend Dave says you can get a pellet gun, or you can get the bird spikes. But you'd be more satisfied with the pellet gun. 40 bucks at Walmart for a decent one, then you go all Lee Harvey on them.

    Spikes mean you give the problem to your neighbor. Pellet gun means you solve the problem for everyone.

    btw, now that you own a house, you should also own a fiberglass ladder. Pick one up from home depot on your way to walmart.

  9. #9
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    What's ampland porn?

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    Find out for yourself. type it into google.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roger Wong
    My asshole friend Dave says you can get a pellet gun, or you can get the bird spikes. But you'd be more satisfied with the pellet gun. 40 bucks at Walmart for a decent one, then you go all Lee Harvey on them.

    Spikes mean you give the problem to your neighbor. Pellet gun means you solve the problem for everyone.

    btw, now that you own a house, you should also own a fiberglass ladder. Pick one up from home depot on your way to walmart.
    Screw the neighbors. Get the spikes.

  12. #12
    Spinning Toe
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    Get a Hawk (yes, capitalized). Pigeons first and then the cats that have been annoying you. There is a childrens book that can guide you through this. I'm surprised you haven't read it.

    There used to be a hawk across the street, nesting in a large Tudor. He (or she) used to swoop on the pigeons who decided to nest on the same broken bricks as well. Coolest thing I've ever seen mainly for the midair grabs and the pigeons refusal to relocate. The next year both the pigeons and hawk were gone.

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    Ah, the rats of the sky. Don't use poison, because you will totally kill non-pigeons if you do. And then you'll just have a bunch of corpses on the roof. I say go with spikes.

  14. #14
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    I'll just add this: Bird Spikes that look like improvised white-trash antennas or a Red-Tailed Hawk?

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    If you poison the pigeons, your neighbors with cats will sue you for killing their pets. Or shoot your ass. Use the spikes.

  16. #16
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    I got shat on by a pigeon tonight. You need to terminate those fuckers with extreme fucking prejudice.

  17. #17
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    Aren't they supposed to explode internally if you feed them Alka-Seltzer?

  18. #18
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    A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a "whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon's head off" situation.

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    Ohhh noes they invaded Bill's house!



  20. #20
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    LAWLZ@JMR

    Okay, see, I don't want to freak out the kids on the street by BLOWING OFF PIGEON HEADS HEEEHEEHEHEHEHPOTREZEBIE or whatnot. UHUHHHH MOMMEEEE WHYYYYY and all that. I'm good-neighborly that way. So, like, I guess I'll check out Home Depot and listen to The Kurgan tell me about all the great deals they offer and see if they have some sort of killer birdseed that won't kill ze kittens. I was wondering if anybody knew if they made that shit or not, because I'm not all that into a Home Depot 4th of July Weekend Bring the Kids Martha visit.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rob Beschizza
    A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a "whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon's head off" situation.
    I'm reminded of the time my father - a sober hunter of 35 years - blew out the window in his Bronco II with a ricochet while shooting bumblebees in our carport with a BB pistol. He was *quite* embarassed.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stroker Ace
    I'm reminded of the time my father - a sober hunter of 35 years - blew out the window in his Bronco II with a ricochet while shooting bumblebees in our carport with a BB pistol. He was *quite* embarassed.
    My friend did exactly the same thing with a .22 while shooting at a skunk. Of course, that was out in the country, but same deal, richochet off the ground, right through the rear window.

  23. #23
    Spinning Toe
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    Okay, so the hawk is out. How about a kitten picked up from the pound? They're cute but deadly. Let them roam on the roof and, within a year, the pigeons will be cowed.

    Don't poison them. If you think you have a mess now, wait until 70 pigeon carcasses surround your house.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScurvyPig
    Okay, so the hawk is out. How about a kitten picked up from the pound? They're cute but deadly. Let them roam on the roof and, within a year, the pigeons will be cowed.

    Don't poison them. If you think you have a mess now, wait until 70 pigeon carcasses surround your house.
    Heh yeah, but at this point, I think it's only 1-3. One of them, man, s/he's a tenacious em effer. I mean seriously, I spray his face with a water hose and it still lands.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bill Dungsroman
    Heh yeah, but at this point, I think it's only 1-3. One of them, man, s/he's a tenacious em effer. I mean seriously, I spray his face with a water hose and it still lands.
    Is anyone else amused by the mental image of Bill walking around with a hose yelling "Get off mah lawn!"?

    Erik J.

  26. #26
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    Those plastic owl statues are really supposed to work. Some report good results with a rubber snake, but then a heron might come and eat the snake.

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erik J.
    Is anyone else amused by the mental image of Bill walking around with a hose yelling "Get off mah lawn!"?

    Erik J.
    It's not far from the truth. ARE YOU STUPID? ARE YOU THAT STUPID. OH DIDN'T LIKE THAT DID YOU?

  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bill Dungsroman
    It's not far from the truth. ARE YOU STUPID? ARE YOU THAT STUPID. OH DIDN'T LIKE THAT DID YOU?
    Those pigeons sure put you in a fine(r) mood, Bill. Suuuure do.

    Erik J.

  29. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScurvyPig
    Okay, so the hawk is out. How about a kitten picked up from the pound? They're cute but deadly. Let them roam on the roof and, within a year, the pigeons will be cowed.
    I would Scurv, but I live in Vegas and it's 110 out during the day. I THOUGHT I BOUGHT A WHITE CAT WHAT'S THIS BROWN DEAD ONE DOING HERE.

    The best part of all of this, though, is that my thread about killing pigeons has indirectly caused Robert Sharp to jerk off more.

  30. #30
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    This thread reminds me of why I kick any pigeon that doesn't move it's fat ass out of my way while I'm walking.

    Fucking rats.

    I had an apartment in Toronto, just off of Highpark, which had a great view and a huge balcony. Unfortunately, the place had been empty for some time when I moved in. The pigeons had already taken it over. Inch thick with bird shit. Nests everywhere. I tried to fight them, but it was no luck, so they just got the balcony. When they started trying to sit on the window outside my room, I bought a spray gun and took delight in nailing them in the face. Note that like in Bill's case, they did not stay away. They are too stupid for that.

    Seriously though, it's not the SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH that will annoy you in the long run. It's the COOOOOCOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO.

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