Chris Nahr
10-07-2002, 12:12 PM
Just to prove my supernatural willpower and stamina (and to exhaust my beer supply, and because I know that I can sell this stuff on eBay), I decided to give the three sequels to Conan the Barbarian a try: Conan the Destroyer (I had already seen this one but I thought "hey, maybe it wasn't really that bad?" Yes, it was.), Red Sonja, and last as well as least Kull the Conqueror.
Mighty Crom. What avalanche of crap was rolling off my poor tortured DVD player. The second Conan was the best of the bunch, at least it had Grace Jones in the role of her life, and Schwarzenegger & Mako & composer Basil Poledouris returned from the first movie. (Was Gerry Lopez unavailable? The stand-in thief was a typical comic-relief sidekick. Bah.) Still they managed to ruin the film with pathetic special effects and desperate attempts to be funny.
CtD did have excellent sword-fighting, like the first Conan movie and also like Red Sonja. This is unfortunately the only good thing that can be said about this... thing. Brigitte Nielsen is not just a poor actress, she doesn't even seem to be aware that she's supposed to be acting. Most of the time she has a blank look on her face. Sometimes she changes to a really stupid look. That's the extent of her facial expressions. Sandahl Bergman who returned from the first Conan as the evil queen actually out-acted everyone else in this movie -- and she isn't even a professional actress. Schwarzenegger's role is an obvious emergency measure to make sure the film sells a few tickets; he doesn't do much and he has to constantly explain why he's even there.
Kull doesn't even have good fighting scenes. Kevin Sorbo was great as the comical TV Hercules. Unfortunately he can't play anything else. He's not a barbarian, he's a clown with big biceps. The whole movie makes about as much sense as Italian "sandal flicks" of the 60s. The rubber devil at the end is simply pathetic. The film switches between attempts at serious drama and silly slapstick as if it didn't know what it wants to be.
What does this teach us? It teaches us that I'm bored and have way too much time on my hands. No wait, that's not what I wanted to say. It teaches us that the more bodybuilders a fantasy film has, the better! Conan the Barbarian had all of Arnold's buddies and it was the best. Conan the Destroyer had just a few and was already a good deal worse. The others only had a single bodybuilder and they sucked! There, undeniable proof!
It also teaches us that most people are apparently completely incapable of making an even semi-decent fantasy film. The two Conans, Red Sonja, and Kull shared the same producer (Raffaela di Laurentiis) -- but only one director (John Milius) took his subject matter seriously and made a film that didn't devolve into a series of primitive slapsticks and cheap effects. Which also gives us a whole new appreciation of Lord of the Rings, although it regrettably didn't feature any bodybuilders.
Mighty Crom. What avalanche of crap was rolling off my poor tortured DVD player. The second Conan was the best of the bunch, at least it had Grace Jones in the role of her life, and Schwarzenegger & Mako & composer Basil Poledouris returned from the first movie. (Was Gerry Lopez unavailable? The stand-in thief was a typical comic-relief sidekick. Bah.) Still they managed to ruin the film with pathetic special effects and desperate attempts to be funny.
CtD did have excellent sword-fighting, like the first Conan movie and also like Red Sonja. This is unfortunately the only good thing that can be said about this... thing. Brigitte Nielsen is not just a poor actress, she doesn't even seem to be aware that she's supposed to be acting. Most of the time she has a blank look on her face. Sometimes she changes to a really stupid look. That's the extent of her facial expressions. Sandahl Bergman who returned from the first Conan as the evil queen actually out-acted everyone else in this movie -- and she isn't even a professional actress. Schwarzenegger's role is an obvious emergency measure to make sure the film sells a few tickets; he doesn't do much and he has to constantly explain why he's even there.
Kull doesn't even have good fighting scenes. Kevin Sorbo was great as the comical TV Hercules. Unfortunately he can't play anything else. He's not a barbarian, he's a clown with big biceps. The whole movie makes about as much sense as Italian "sandal flicks" of the 60s. The rubber devil at the end is simply pathetic. The film switches between attempts at serious drama and silly slapstick as if it didn't know what it wants to be.
What does this teach us? It teaches us that I'm bored and have way too much time on my hands. No wait, that's not what I wanted to say. It teaches us that the more bodybuilders a fantasy film has, the better! Conan the Barbarian had all of Arnold's buddies and it was the best. Conan the Destroyer had just a few and was already a good deal worse. The others only had a single bodybuilder and they sucked! There, undeniable proof!
It also teaches us that most people are apparently completely incapable of making an even semi-decent fantasy film. The two Conans, Red Sonja, and Kull shared the same producer (Raffaela di Laurentiis) -- but only one director (John Milius) took his subject matter seriously and made a film that didn't devolve into a series of primitive slapsticks and cheap effects. Which also gives us a whole new appreciation of Lord of the Rings, although it regrettably didn't feature any bodybuilders.