Custom Dildos... Why not?

[Brian Koontz]

When Kitsune talked about the "spiked dildo" my first thought was surprise at him having instantly recognized it. After all, outside of the lairs of sadistic torturers and oddball fashion or political divas spiked dildos do not exist, for obvious reasons. Its nice to know we have someone to identify such items, however.

I've combed my memory without the use of spikes and I have failed to come up with any record of a custom dildo. Dildos come in many shapes and sizes, but so do suits. Unlike suits, however, dildos are not customized. Why is that?

It seems to me that a person should be able to go into a store, try out a selection of dildos in a fitting room, and from that be able to determine a proper fit. For a premium fee, a dildo could be custom made.

Is the reason for the current lack of custom dildos that women would rather have variety in their life? Do they fear a monogamous relationship? Does the same dildo time and again bore them? Most of the women I've met with dildos have only one... though perhaps I should take a more comprehensive survey.

Are they shy? Does it take most of their bravery just to buy a dildo, much less go through the process of describing just how one should be formed and what material should be used? Perhaps this process is simply too much for the women of today.

Anyway... custom dildos. I bet that's not far off.

[Oppressor]

When Kitsune talked about the "spiked dildo" my first thought was surprise at him having instantly recognized it. After all, outside of the lairs of sadistic torturers and oddball fashion or political divas spiked dildos do not exist, for obvious reasons. Its nice to know we have someone to identify such items, however.

Well sheesh, anyone who's ever been in _Good Vibrations_ or _Toys in Babeland_, or even the _Hustler Store_ at any point in their adult life would have a pretty good concept of the amazing variety of toys out there.

Anyway... custom dildos. I bet that's not far off.

This concept is so 2002:

http://www.clearecstasy.com/glassdildos/draw.shtml

[Brian Koontz]

Anyway... custom dildos. I bet that's not far off.

This concept is so 2002:

http://www.clearecstasy.com/glassdildos/draw.shtml

To an extent, yes. Although without the fitting rooms and "try before you buy" approach its more like Possible Ecstasy, Ecstasy If You Get Lucky, or Overcast Ecstasy. Designing your own dildo doesn't help if you don't know what to design.

[bago]

There's sanitary issues with the try before you buy approach.

[Jobe]

This THREAD IS VERY SHOC*ING!!

[extarbags]

www.divine-interventions.com beats any custom dildo possible. NOT WORK SAFE, obviously.

[Oppressor]

Anyway... custom dildos. I bet that's not far off.

This concept is so 2002:

http://www.clearecstasy.com/glassdildos/draw.shtml

To an extent, yes. Although without the fitting rooms and "try before you buy" approach its more like Possible Ecstasy, Ecstasy If You Get Lucky, or Overcast Ecstasy. Designing your own dildo doesn't help if you don't know what to design.

Who needs a fitting room when the lady can just sleep with as many men as needed to find the optimal dildo inspiration and then make a cast of it?

http://www.morningwoodlabs.com/czone/products.htm

Most men are dicks anyway, right?

And just remember guys, I didn't start this thread, but I do have a sick enough mind to point out the obvious...

And I suspect Brian will come back with still more objections to this iterative hunt for Cinderella's Glass (well pyrex actually) Slipper, in the same way that most game designers have an insular, hell damned near-autistic approach to interfaces, level design, and saving...

[Sam Jones]

Brian wants a spiked dildo to use on his Bob Page Realdoll.

And you're all helping him.

[Kitsune]

When Kitsune talked about the "spiked dildo" my first thought was surprise at him having instantly recognized it.

Right. And when someone shows you something that looks like a fake plastic penis with spikes on it, what would you call it? A really funky toilet plunger?

Also,

WTF?

-Kitsune

[Jon R.]

You should probably let this one go.

[Oppressor]

When Kitsune talked about the "spiked dildo" my first thought was surprise at him having instantly recognized it.

Right. And when someone shows you something that looks like a fake plastic penis with spikes on it, what would you call it? A really funky toilet plunger?

Also,

WTF?

-Kitsune

Salvador Dali's "The Persistence of Cactus?"

[Brian Koontz]

When Kitsune talked about the "spiked dildo" my first thought was surprise at him having instantly recognized it.

Right. And when someone shows you something that looks like a fake plastic penis with spikes on it, what would you call it? A really funky toilet plunger?

My thinking is that a spiked dildo is non-functional (in the traditional way) and thus is hardly a dildo at all. Perhaps you could call it a non-functional altered representation of a dildo.

Its kind of like a scalpel with spikes on it. Does a doctor call it a "spiked scalpel"? Doubtful... since a scalpel has to be used in a certain way and spikes would prevent the process. The addition of spikes would make the item fundamentally different and thus would force a new name.

Or a spoon with spikes on the inside of the curved part. It now cannot be used as a spoon (in the traditional way) so is the name for it a "spiked spoon"? Nope.

Now, the reason TO call it a spiked dildo is to reference the Feminist notion of the dangerous penis. The name doesn't refer to a dildo in the physical function of the item, but rather uses the term to land the social and political "message".

Out of curiosity, why did you run away when the girl brandished this item? Perhaps she was trying to initiate a conversation about the potential danger of penises to her and is now unhappy that you did not engage her.

[XPav]

http://www.pocketchef.com/fruitcake.jpg

[Lunch of Kong]

http://www.nikken-chemicals.co.jp/nikken_he/resipi/images/fruitcake.gif

[Jobe]

Tom: I'm not his gay lover anymore.

[Robert Sharp]

Brian, I don't think the dildo had nails in it. They aren't metal spikes. They were probably french tickler-style spikes, which aren't that uncommon on dildos....at least not the ones I have tried :wink:

[Erik Andersson]

Tom: I'm not his gay lover anymore.

It didn't fit?

[Jobe]

I have no idea what direction to take that one :p

[Brian Koontz]

I have no idea what direction to take that one :p

Out.

[Lunch of Kong]

can we get some more fruitcake pictures in here please? thank you.

[Dean]

I was trying to find a picture of Anthony Perkins with a spiked dildo, but all I could find was this:

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00005R240.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

Perkins played a psychotic priest who killed prostitutes with a big, sharp, metal dildo.

[Nick Hyle]

Perkins played a psychotic priest who killed prostitutes with a big, sharp, metal dildo.

So like Lair of the White Worm, but not as funny?

[DrCrypt]

When I was about ten, just beginning to delight in the anatomical freakdoms of pubescence, my best buddy Mike and I used to climb up the mount near where I lived where there were large wild patches of nascent skunk weed plants. We'd rip up one of these plants, break off the stray branches and fashion it into a sword, then go rushing through the patch, feverishly imagining an entire contingent of Nazis that we were cutting through. "Nazis! YARGH!" we'd shout. Afterwards, sated by the violent exertion, we would sit on top of a huge boulder overlooking the patch and pose riddles to one another.

"Dude," I'd say to Mike, rubbing my chin thoughtfully, "What would you do if there were, like, a thousand naked girls here?" Mike's eyes would get glassy as the field morphed into a thousand pin-up models lying prone on the ground with their ankles wrapped behind their ears. A large dollop of drool would bulb on his lower lip, a cold sweat form on his brow and he would stammer to himself for a few minutes. Then, when he'd finally managed to wrap his mind around the sheer scope of the fantasy, he would inevitably respond in a maelstrom of genius: "I'd totally go up and make out with them!" I'd add to the plan: "And kiss their boobs!" Then we would high five one another and, from there, we would being to jabber wildly about exactly what we would do if we had a battalion of one thousand eager vaginas at our disposal - a cornucopia of battle strategies so fantastically implausible, so absurdly revolting that only the feverish mind of a prepubescent virgin could ever have come up with them. The usual sex stuff was included, but eventually, we'd get to imagining the vagina as something like one of those Acme Novelty Holes in Looney Tune shorts, a two-dimensional rubbery disk into which, when slapped onto a wall somewhere, could be crammed an infinity of cartoonish props, like anvils, cream pies, fireworks, etc. Of course, once I had sex, the philosophies I had previously entertained about the infinite pliability and elasticity of female genitalia became a point of real embarassment to me.

Koontz's post reminds me a lot of those discussions, in that both are the sort of feverish sexual ravings that only the mind of someone with absolutely no sexual experience whatsoever and a huge constabulary of imaginary friends could come up with. Note to Koontz: I know from the infamous About Schmidt thread that you feel perfectly validated in your opinions about things you have no experience in "as long as people honestly and deeply" communicate their experiences to you. Deep communication with a vagina is probably never going to happen to you, so in the interest of facilitating your understanding of a subject as far beyond your ken as chronal-distortion astrophysics as conveyed in Ancient Lemurian is beyond mine, let me do just that: vaginas definitely don't work the way you think they do.

[DrCrypt]

I had to revisit this. My impression of Koontz's "idea" is that he wants to turn dildo stores into something analogous to women's shoe outlets, where women wander up alleys with numbers on the wall describing various sizes and mustachioed perverts with perpetually sweaty brows and a penchant for sniffing the merchandise after store hours help shoehorn ladies' feet into openings a couple sizes too small. Except Koontz is the pervert and he'll be shoehorning something into them. Totally repugnant, even without Koontz in the equation - a store where strangers walk in off the street, cram sexual devices up into the farthest crannies of their various orifices and, if they don't like the feel of it, put it back on the shelf for someone else to "try" later? That's disgusting enough, but to continue the shoe store analogy: what's the equivalent of the "store sock" here? Don't answer that, it's rhetorical.

[bago]

It's obvious that some people haven't been to "Toys in Babeland" yet.