None of your business

[kerzain]

I've got a neighbor I don't know very well who is a single father of a fifteen or sixteen year old son. The father works long hours and is rarely home before 5 or 6 pm, leaving the kid alone all day during the summer. Lately the son has been bringing a girl home during the day when the father isn't around, and has been smoking in the back yard when the father isn't around.

As a neighbor with no real relationship with either of them, other than the occasional head-nod, would it be best for us to mind our own business, or to let the father know what's going on?

[CLWheeljack]

Smoking, or "smoking"?

[Gabe Lewis]

I've got a neighbor I don't know very well who is a single father of a fifteen or sixteen year old son. The father works long hours and is rarely home before 5 or 6 pm, leaving the kid alone all day during the summer. Lately the son has been bringing a girl home during the day when the father isn't around, and has been smoking in the back yard when the father isn't around.

As a neighbor with no real relationship with either of them, other than the occasional head-nod, would it be best for us to mind our own business, or to let the father know what's going on?

Yeah that's none of your business really. Maybe if he were shooting heroin and beating the girl. But it sounds like he's enjoying himself, let the kid be. If he's doing something irresponsible, which it sounds like he isn't really even doing, it will come back on him sooner or later.

[Pogo]

Mind your own business.

I'm not being cocky, that's just my answer.

[Raife]

Are you an 80 year old woman? If yes, let the father know every detail of his son's activities, preferably in a daily written report. If no, stop spying on your neighbors.

[nutsak]

Smoking, or "smoking"?

If it's the second one be really creepy, launch over the fence and ask for some.

[Cubit]

None of your business.

[kerzain]

For all I know his smoking is limited to cigarettes, and for all I know the only thing the kid does with the girl is watch TV.

Raife you can calm down, I'm not actively spying on anyone. Unless you are the kind of person that lives with black out curtains and only ever opens the front door to reach out and pick up the newspaper you're going to get occasional glimpses of your neighbors life.

The only reason I bring this up is because I grew up in a household where my step-mother wanted to know everything because of bad experiences she had with her own son (drugs, teenage fatherhood). My wife grew up as the oldest of several girls, and her mother would never have allowed any of them to bring a guy home unsupervised when they were 15 or 16. Both of our parents would have welcomed neighbors to 'look out' for us when our parents weren't around. Much to my chagrin.

Some parents have different feelings on the subject than others, and here it is apparent than so far we have a unanimous agreement that 15/16 year old kids are plenty old enough to do these things without the parents needing to know about any of it.

I'm not saying I agree or disagree with this sentiment. I don't have kids, I won't be having kids, and because of that I can't (and don't) think like a parent. I can only think like a guy who was once 16 and would have killed for the chance to bring girls home for sex when my parents weren't around, much to their chagrin.

I really don't care what anyone does unless it is somehow affecting me, teenagers included. But since I don't think like a mom or a dad, for all I know real parents would think I was some kind of creep for allowing this to go on under their nose, when they would want to do something about it if they knew. As long as he stays off my lawn I'm happy.

[Raife]

FRaife you can calm down, I'm not actively spying on anyone. Unless you are the kind of person that lives with black out curtains and only ever opens the front door to reach out and pick up the newspaper you're going to get occasional glimpses of your neighbors life.

It amuses me that you thought my response wasn't calm.

[nutsak]

I think it was more the accusation of him spying on his neighbors than whether or not your post was calm.

[Griddle]

Let the kid smoke and dry hump his girlfriend all he wants, we were all young once.

[kerzain]

Raife, shall we debate the meaning of the word calm? You were being irrational. I think rationality is an aspect of a calm mind. Your post came across like you have a turbulent mind, full of surging feelings and incorrect assessments.

Dictionary.com defines calm as freedom from agitation, excitement, or passion; tranquillity; serenity: She faced the possibility of death with complete calm. Your post came across as none of these things, because you seemed to be intentionally making more of what I said than I actually had, and subsequently stirring shit up.

As a person who also enjoys going to extremes, maybe I am reading more into your words than you intended, and for that I apologize. Your interpretation of my original post could be 100% accurate, perhaps I have binoculars and recording devices set up around the perimeter of their home, and perhaps I am indeed an 80 year old woman with nothing better to do than cock-block sixteen year olds. Fuck, I've lost another internet debate, you are good man. Really fucking good.

Say, do you need an apprentice? I could learn alot from a guy like you.

P.S. I was completely jovial while typing that, but not calm.

P.S.S. nutsak is stealing my thunder

P.S.S.S. Nothing spells wienery debates like quoting dictionary passages in an internet debate

[Bill Dungsroman]

Let the kid smoke and dry hump his girlfriend all he wants, we were all young once.

Seriously. Don't be "that guy."

[kerzain]

"That guy" is typically the jealous type that is just pissed off he couldn't ever get any at 16, and wants to ruin it for everyone else. I am not "That guy", and hope I never will be.

I am trying to balance my urge to let kids be kids, against my growing feelings of.. I dunno.. "How the fuck are adults supposed to handle stuff like this?"

I am getting old.

[CLWheeljack]

If they're not hurting anybody (including themselves, or each other), leave it alone. If you were close friends with the father, it might be different, but since you aren't, it's just some random kids doing kid stuff.

(If you want to be passive aggressive about it, plant some cigarette butts or something in a really obvious place where the father will find them, assuming the kids always clean up after themselves).

[kerzain]

CLWeeljack, you have a mean streak hehe.

[Bill Dungsroman]

The way kids are these days, if you go and tell his dad that his son is smoking cigarettes and macking on his girlfriend, he'll probably say "Is that it? You mean that's all he does? Thank God, my wife thought he was smoking meth and I thought he was a [homosexual pejorative]!" And then he'll try to hug you, and that's just awkward.

[Marcus]

The fact that you feel that you would need to come here and ask pretty much makes you that guy. Who cares really?

[kerzain]

Marcus just checkmated me. Posting here is the same as telling his father.

North Hollywood has a monopoly on smarts.

[kerzain]

Okay okay, I'm going to tone it down here. I'm not offering anything substantial or productive here, and people are going to start taking my retaliations personal.

Nothing personal, just a poor substitute for amusement. I am careless and self-centered with my reactions.

[Bullhajj]

We had a neighbor who was old and always liked to sweep the little alley between our houses. He was a quiet little old guy, extremely nosy. My mom used to call him Seaweed because he was retired Navy. Our family didn't have much to do with him.

One day my house was empty and I lured a girl into the living room. We sat on the couch and kissed and had a little wrestling match, which didn't get me very far, but far enough, and eventually she said she had to go, and I walked her to the front porch, and we said a really chaste goodbye and she took off running down the street. I was standing there watching her go and I heard this sweeping. Looked over and there was Seaweed, watching this girl disappear down the block. He looked over at me and broke out in a big grin and gave me a thumbs up. I was utterly embarrassed, but also a little proud.

[Bill Dungsroman]

We had a neighbor who was old and always liked to sweep the little alley between our houses. He was a quiet little old guy, extremely nosy. My mom used to call him Seaweed because he was retired Navy. Our family didn't have much to do with him.

One day my house was empty and I lured a girl into the living room. We sat on the couch and kissed and had a little wrestling match, which didn't get me very far, but far enough, and eventually she said she had to go, and I walked her to the front porch, and we said a really chaste goodbye and she took off running down the street. I was standing there watching her go and I heard this sweeping. Looked over and there was Seaweed, watching this girl disappear down the block. He looked over at me and broke out in a big grin and gave me a thumbs up. I was utterly embarrassed, but also a little proud.

"Way to go, Sonny! You'll successfully date rape the next one, I have faith in ye!"

[nutsak]

P.S.S. nutsak is stealing my thunder


I come from the land down under.

[robsam]

Well, I'm a father of a 13 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. It isn't uncommon for one or the other of them to be home alone for a few hours, and they know to call and ask if a friend can come over when we (me or my wife) aren't there. My neighbors know the usual kids that are at my house, we have a cool swimming pool and lots of the neighborhood kids come over when we are here. But if my neighbors noticed some random boy or girl showing up when it was clear I was not home, yeah, I would like a nice heads up. I wouldn't assume my daughter or son was doing something I disapprove of, and I wouldn't be mad at the guy that brought it to my attention.

I most certainly wouldn't be bothered if one my kids were seen smoking something and someone notified me. Half of the stupid shit I did as a child was seen by adults and reported to my parents, which may explain why I have never been arrested or jailed in my life. Yet.

Adults are supposed to look after kids. This is why kids don't like adults. That line gets blurred more and more every generation.

[Zylon]

Raife, shall we debate the meaning of the word calm? You were being irrational. I think rationality is an aspect of a calm mind. Your post came across like you have a turbulent mind, full of surging feelings and incorrect assessments.
You're a loony. Stop.

[Cubit]

Honestly, I'd be most concerned with retribution from the 16 year old if he found out you told his dad all this stuff, kerzain. Might want to keep an eye out over your shoulder while walking home at night. :)

[kerzain]

You're a loony. Stop.I think the proper format for that would have been:

YOU ARE LOONY STOP PARAGRAPH PLEASE DO NOT POST HERE ANY MORE STOP ARE YOU GETTING ALL OF THIS STOP BREAK BREAK ZYLON STOP

You don't use periods and stops together, and it's always in upper case.

[ElGuapo]

kerzain, you called the po po? How does Marcus fit in here?

[Sarkus]

If they're not hurting anybody (including themselves, or each other), leave it alone. If you were close friends with the father, it might be different, but since you aren't, it's just some random kids doing kid stuff.


That's pretty much how I see it as well. If dad wanted the neighbors to keep an eye on his unsupervised kid, he'd better be friends with said neighbors. Robsam's position only makes sense in that context.

[Orinoco]

I come from the land down under.

How often do you chunder?

[Lorini]

As a parent of a teenager I would want to know. You could even do it anonymously by slipping a note in his mailbox. My kid is 18 now but I'd have wanted to know when he was 16.

[Marcus]

As a parent of a teenager I would want to know. You could even do it anonymously by slipping a note in his mailbox. My kid is 18 now but I'd have wanted to know when he was 16.

Ha wtf. You people.

[Bullhajj]

As a parent of a teenager I would want to know. You could even do it anonymously by slipping a note in his mailbox. My kid is 18 now but I'd have wanted to know when he was 16.

If I see your kid taking a girl into the house or smoking weed in the backyard, I am going to give him a big grin and a thumbs up. I hope no one reports me!

[gameoverman]

I think crime or something obviously dangerous should be reported.

However, 'keeping an eye on someone's teen'(not a young kid) falls into the category of doing the other person a favor, imo.

This means things like the fact that you have no relationship, friendly or otherwise, with this guy comes into play. You want to go out of your way to inform on his kid why? You think telling his dad he's smoking 'something' and has a girl over is going to stop him from smoking or having girls(if not over, then somewhere else)? Not in this world.

Also I'm not a big fan of people, when they do decide to get into my life, doing it in a largely negative way for their first action. In this case, you should ideally build some sort of rapport with the dad first. This will allow to to get an idea of what kind of relationship he has with his son, how he'd feel about a buttinski, and if you do wind up saying something at least it'll be coming from a friendly face.

edit: this is aimed at general 'adults raise kids' people, not anyone in particular.

[Demon G Sides]

As long as he doesn't start doing cocaine lines off of her stomach while she lays naked on the back porch, I think its pretty okay for him to have his quick smoke and a fuck if that's what he's so inclined to do.

Get off the kid's back. Don't be that creepy neighbor who's all about other people's business. If he was having crazy parties while his parents were out or there were people coming and going constantly, it'd be different. For all you know the parents know he smokes, and know he has a girlfriend, and then you're an asshole for being a nosey neighbor.

Also, stop posting 'biting' comebacks every time someone answer's your post. It makes you look like more of a douchebag than I'm sure you are.

[fire]

Did he ask you to watch out for his kid?

If not, mind your own business.

[Angie Gallant]

Get to know your neighbor. If you have a conversation about when you were kids and how the whole neighborhood looked out after the kids on the block you'd have a better idea if he would want to be told or not. It takes a village and all that.

A certain amount of mischief is healthy and expected, but dad still sets the rules.

[Lorini]

If I see your kid taking a girl into the house or smoking weed in the backyard, I am going to give him a big grin and a thumbs up. I hope no one reports me!

I hope not, because in the end it's my house. If he wants to smoke marijuana at home, then he can find his own house. Just like I don't allow cigarette smoking in my house, he's no exception to that.

That's what irritates me....the concept of somehow I or any other parent are obligated to take care of adult children. We're not. And we can set our rules and expect them to be kept. If he's breaking my rules, I want to know about it.

Keep in mind this is not the same as saying 'he can't smoke dope' or he can't fuck women/men'. He can't do these things in my house. I really don't care if he's doing marijuana at his friend's house, or fucking some girl in a hotel room. That doesn't mean I have to change my rules.

[Scrax]

Ha wtf. You people.

What do you mean by you people?

[Bahimiron]

http://www.morethings.com/fan/bewitched/bewitched102-205.jpg

[Marcus]

Exactly.

[Bullhajj]

I hope not, because in the end it's my house.

If I saw a stranger smoking pot or sneaking girls into your house, I'd tell you. If it's your son? Man, I hope not.

But you never know. One time when my family was camping my wife made me turn in the kids camping in the next row over for being noisy and drinking in a public park. I hid in the tent when the ranger came down and told those kids to clear out. I felt terrible! But then... I got over it! and slept much better the next night.

So I guess anything is possible.

[Anders Hallin]

Consider this: if you tell on him for what he's doing in his backyard/home, he'll know that his backyard/house is not a safe space, and will start doing whatever he's doing somewhere else.

[Erlend Grefsrud]

"That guy" is typically the jealous type that is just pissed off he couldn't ever get any at 16, and wants to ruin it for everyone else. I am not "That guy", and hope I never will be.

I am trying to balance my urge to let kids be kids, against my growing feelings of.. I dunno.. "How the fuck are adults supposed to handle stuff like this?"

I am getting old.
I don't know how old you are, but I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm living a life-style my parents would certainly not approve of. I've been doing that for a while, and I'm incredibly happy that I've been allowed to make up my own opinions about how to engage with sex, drugs and rock'n'roll rather than being punished for not following the middle-class recipe of all work and no fun.

I'd suggest keeping out, unless the kid starts actively ruining his life with speed or heroin.

[wildpokerman]

I'd say leave it alone unless they get into some delinquent activity. Maybe even like say hi to him and strike up a conversation.

If it's a single father who's away all the time maybe a male role model would do him some good?

[Jason McCullough]

If you were friends with the father, sure. If you were friendly neighbors, maybe. If you're pretty much a stranger, which is what it sounds like? Not sure what the point is; you don't have any context.

[Hunty]

If you were friends with the father, sure. If you were friendly neighbors, maybe. If you're pretty much a stranger, which is what it sounds like? Not sure what the point is; you don't have any context.

My take precisely. This thread has inspired me to some distinctly subpar 2-minute photoshopping, to combine Kerzain's two greatest passions: superimposing his face onto fictional backgrounds, and snooping.

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/4651/rearwindow.jpg (http://img35.imageshack.us/i/rearwindow.jpg/)

Also, I got a kick out of imagining the lifestyle that Erlend's parents do not approve of. I know it's kind of gauche to ask the lad to chip in like a performing monkey, but I feel like Adree could have a field day there.

[Hanzii]

We allready have picture proof of Erlands lifestyle. Don't encourage him.

[Kael]

1. Find out the fathers work number.

2. The night before trash day (and before he takes his trash down to the curb) place a discarded pregnancy test and a pamphlet from planned parenthood on the top of his trash. Make sure it is the father who takes the trash down.

3. Wait until the next time the girl is over.

4. Call the father at work. Claim that there is yelling coming out of his house, something about a baby. Suggest that the father come home right away.

5. Make some popcorn.

6. Sit back and watch the ensuing drama.

[WarrenM]

Hey, at least the kid is doing this stuff at home right? If you blow his cover, he'll have to go somewhere else to do these things and that's even less safe.

EDIT: Or, you know, what Anders said.

[Griddle]

Hey, at least the kid is doing this stuff at home right? If you blow his cover, he'll have to go somewhere else to do these things and that's even less safe.

EDIT: Or, you know, what Anders said.

I think redundancy in this case is permitted. ;)

[Moore]

Honestly, I'd be most concerned with retribution from the 16 year old if he found out you told his dad all this stuff, kerzain. Might want to keep an eye out over your shoulder while walking home at night. :)

I know at that age I would've been crazy furious, even though my parents would not have done anything (I openly smoked and had, uh, sleepovers)

Too much free time = time for shenanigans.

[ElGuapo]

And if the girl he's bringing over is hot, take pictures. Pictures, dammit!

[Brian Seiler]

I'm actually amazed at all the people who are offering up the blanked "it's none of your business response," because that is precisely the kind of bullshit that makes my neighbors think I want to run their kids down with my car. This strikes me as an exceptionally personal kind of thing that should be handled on an individual basis. If your neighbor would want to know and you don't tell him and at some point he figured out that you might have known he's going to be just as pissed off at you as if you told him and he didn't want you spying on his kid. The way I see it, you've got two choices - either you get to know your neighbor to the point that you know whether or not this is something that he would want to hear from you, or you don't get to know him at all and have as little to do with him as possible.

I think it's telling, though, that a few parents have suggested that they would want to know if this sort of thing is going on.

[Hanzii]

I'm actually amazed at all the people who are offering up the blanked "it's none of your business response," because that is precisely the kind of bullshit that makes my neighbors think I want to run their kids down with my car.

Sorry, what?

I'm a parent and I would like to know... but not from a nosy neighbour.
If safe sex was practiced I wouldn't care about that part, but I'd have an issue with the smoking.

[Bullhajj]

This is like when my 11 year old daughter snitches on her 11 year old brother. Sure, I want to know if the boy is doing something he shouldn't, but that doesn't make his sister's behavior right. A round of punishment for the house!

[WarrenM]

Bull

I guess it depends on her motivation. You probably don't want to train her to not come to you with stuff she suspects is wrong.

[Kael]

Parents want to know, but that doesn't make it right. The kid deserves his privacy too.

You should report to the parents if:

1. You believe the kid is in danger.
2. You are close to the parents and they trust you to tell them things like this.
3. The kid's action are negatively impacting you.

Outside of that, leave it be.

And I say this as a father of 2 sons (now 20 and 22). I went through these years of worrying about what they are up too. Thats tough to do, and at the time you don't have a decent perspective on the situation. But in hindsight kids need room to make mistakes. Not that I wouldn't have torn into them if I found out about things like this, but neighbors shouldn't be reporting it. The balance of parental nosiness and a childs privacy is a fine line and has to be worked out individually by each family.

[Jon Rowe]

The way kids are these days, if you go and tell his dad that his son is smoking cigarettes and macking on his girlfriend, he'll probably say "Is that it? You mean that's all he does? Thank God, my wife thought he was smoking meth and I thought he was a [homosexual pejorative]!" And then he'll try to hug you, and that's just awkward.


Actually, you will be over in your garage, lifting weights and minding your own business, thinking of your daughter's hot friend that you think you are going to bang...

And he will show up in front of your house... standing in the rain, motionless and wordless.

You confront him, and there is an awkward hug... then, his head moves ever so slightly as he attempts to lock lips with yours.

You brush him off yourself, what the hell? your neighbor is a weird guy. He runs off back towards his house... good riddance. Jailbait awaits...

[metta]

I'd say mind your own business. If one of my neighbours tried to impose their morality on me I would not be gentle with them. Judge not, and all that...

[Brian Seiler]

Sorry, what?

I'm a parent and I would like to know... but not from a nosy neighbour.
If safe sex was practiced I wouldn't care about that part, but I'd have an issue with the smoking.

I'm guessing it probably varies by community. You have to remember, I live in the suburbs of Houston, or, to put it differently, Tom Delay's old district. I know people who would want to know if a person they don't know is coming over to their house on a regular basis. I also know people who would want to know if their kid has taken up a smoking habit, though I have to believe that that's virtually impossible to hide, given the stench I have to scrub out of my clothes when I get back home from a visit to my mother's house. I'm just saying, there are people in my neighborhood who would actually take umbrage at the fact that I didn't mention this to them....if they didn't already think I was a reclusive antisocial hermit, that is.

[Nellie]

Had a spate of Anonymous phone calls when I was a kid informing my parents of stuff someone thought they should know about or, far more likely, stuff they thought would get me into trouble with them.

As it was trivial stuff along the lines of "you know your son smokes?" or "we've seen him going to the pub" they were just told in no uncertain terms to bugger off and mind their own business and I was told that someone around was trying to get me into trouble rather actually getting into trouble as a result of the revelations.

I like to think I'd take the same approach they did when someone uninvited decided to grass up my kids over something relatively trivial they thought I should know about.

[kerzain]

Had a spate of Anonymous phone calls when I was a kid informing my parents of stuff someone thought they should know about or, far more likely, stuff they thought would get me into trouble with them.I knew a guy who was being raised by his grandmother (after his mom and dad pretty much abandoned him with her and disappeared). She used to play the "So, I hear you're smoking" type game with him (and anyone who ever came to his house) on a variety of subjects.

She never heard any such thing, she just wanted to put him on the spot to find out what he had been up to (since she was too drunk every day to really see what was going on for herself).

[Bullhajj]

Bull

I guess it depends on her motivation. You probably don't want to train her to not come to you with stuff she suspects is wrong.

Possibly. I think it's a better strategy to keep an eye out for trouble and check in with them every so often. Hopefully if one of them starts smoking or making out, it will be obvious, if not from the smells, then from their change in behavior. I am sure they (have and will continue to) get away with stuff, and that's okay by me--I don't think it's appropriate for them to always toe the line--but expecting someone else to tell me seems a little much.

[salwon]

I've got a neighbor I don't know very well who is a single father of a fifteen or sixteen year old son. The father works long hours and is rarely home before 5 or 6 pm, leaving the kid alone all day during the summer. Lately the son has been bringing a girl home during the day when the father isn't around, and has been smoking in the back yard when the father isn't around.

As a neighbor with no real relationship with either of them, other than the occasional head-nod, would it be best for us to mind our own business, or to let the father know what's going on?

Dude, don't be a narc.

[Nellie]

I knew a guy who was being raised by his grandmother (after his mom and dad pretty much abandoned him with her and disappeared). She used to play the "So, I hear you're smoking" type game with him (and anyone who ever came to his house) on a variety of subjects.

She never heard any such thing, she just wanted to put him on the spot to find out what he had been up to (since she was too drunk every day to really see what was going on for herself).

Well I was there for at least one of the phonecalls that I can remember but I guess it's possible that they went to all that trouble just to sympathise with me that people were using "things that kids do" to try and get me into trouble with them.