disregard

[Gary Whitta]

*edited for redundancy*

[Rimbo]

i think I'm a banana tree

[Equis]

This thread is content free.

[Rimbo]

...and best read with a glass of chablis

[nutsak]

Dear Quarter to Three,

I never thought it would happen to me. Earlier, when I was at the corner store I ran into a sexy brunette buying melons. I introduced myself by squeezing a melon in front of the brunette and with a wink stating "You can tell if they're ripe by giving them a good solid squeeze" "But doesn't that just bruise them?" replied the brunette "Sure" I nodded "But if you're gentle then it's not so bad. I'm Gary". The brunette smiled and looked me in my eyes. My heart skipped a beat. Gorgeous.

"Hi Gary... I'm Fernando. "


Oh God, don't stop.

[Warning]

http://spaces.live.com/profile.aspx?cid=2916959339175667527

[jellyfish]

That story made me laugh at the end.

[Zep--]

Pretty, Pretty Princesses Proudly Parading Pink Panties.

[Bill Dungsroman]

I once went to a supermarket for a melon. I dunno, I was just in the mood, you know?

I picked my way carefully through the pile in Produce. I absentmindedly wondered over how the careless arrangement of honeydews was probably an orderly ziggurat at the start of the day, but it was edging towards the afternoon by now, and the masses had had their way with symmetry. At any rate, I snagged a wonderful one and bagged the fucker posthaste. Supermarkets make me nervous. I feel like any minute I'm going to end up being told I have to work there, like one of those anxiety dreams. What can I say, I'm kind of off when I'm in a supermarket.

Thing is, I never thumped it. Half-heartedly palpated it when I was cradling it while pulling a plastic bag to put it in, but that was the extent of it. As I headed for the checkout line - just the melon today, thanks, I don't shop for real in one of these places before 6:00 - a not-entirely-nice (are any of them anymore, really?) little old lady piped up:

"You didn't thump that melon, you know." Her inflection was a curious blend of kindness, patronizing, chastisement and a hint of actual helpfulness. I let the bad bits slide off me - it's how I do with the old folks. Let 'em have their day, I say.

"Aw, it's okay, it looks great!" I probably put too much enthusiasm in that exchange. Hey, I'm rusty on my quips to foodstore grannies questioning my gathering instincts. I mean, what the fuck.

"You really ought to thump it first!" She called out to my back as I made a beeline to checkout. Some people glanced my way as I walked, I'm thinking the old lady said that last a little loudly. I made a Jesus, some people, huh? face at the Looky Loos. I can’t say I was too pleased with the expressions I got back. What?

I hit checkout. The little girl at the register punched in the SKU for Produce – Honeydew by hand and then sort of stopped short. She eyed the melon like it had a worm on it or something.

“Sir…you didn’t thump this melon, did you?”

Maybe it was the old lady, maybe it was just the fact I was annoyed that I was getting hit with this shit when I could have just sat at home on my fat ass and ate a few Pop-Tarts instead of choosing The Healthy Way, but I responded to her question with a bit more sharpness than I’d wanted.

“No, sure didn’t. What’s it gonna be, 2 bucks?” I went for the wallet.

She rang out change for a fiver and gave me a look. A look. “Sir, really, not thumping a melon…I mean you should always thump your melons.”

“No need today, thanks!” I know, I know: that was weird. I get this crazy feeling of embarrassed politeness when I’m nervous. It’s stupid and I hate it but how do you fix these things about yourself? Plus, I really don’t like being called sir. What the fuck, I’m not 50 years old in a tux. I’m in my 30s and I still wear baggy jeans and Skechers. I’m about as much sir as the goddamned bagboy.

“Sir, I could…” her hand moved in range of the melon, a helpful look on her little face.

“No!” I admit it. I was annoyed. “Just give me the melon please.”

“Sir-“

“The goddamned MELON PLEASE.” I took it from her. Snatched it right from her hands, I did. She squeaked in surprise like a frightened mouse.

I made for the door. I swear to God I felt like I was robbing the joint. Then it got crazy.

The guard by the door came at me with a head full of steam, his right hand hovering over his sidearm holster. This motherfucker was going to slap leather over a honeydew.

“Sir I think you should put that melon down and back away from it slowly!”

I glanced around in a daze. Dozens of shoppers had gathered behind the checkout counter. They were all looking at me with saucer eyes. Whispers and murmurs. “He didn’t thump it.” “Oh my God.” “Someone should do something.”

“LISTEN!” I said to everyone. “I am taking this melon home and I am not going to thump it! There were audible gasps. “And nobody had better come near to thump it either, or I’ll…I’ll…I’ll eat the rind!”

“OK sir! OK! It’s OK!” The guard was sweating, poor old fella. “Just…just leave now, sir. Please. Let’s not any of us do anything we’ll regret.”

I put the melon near my mouth and bared my teeth, just for show. You could have heard a pin drop in that place. I split.

I drove home a little too fast and pulled in cockeyed to my driveway. I shot indoors and went for the biggest kitchen knife I owned. I split that bad boy straight down center and I’ll tell you this, my friend: never let it be said that that melon wasn’t absolutely the bestest, freshest, most succulent and satisfying melon on the face of God’s green Earth.

My only lament is that I forgot I needed toilet paper and Stuckey’s, the next closest market, is like 10 miles away.

[Zep--]

Your story needs a zombie and maybe a shotgun.

3/10

Zep--

[madkevin]

Awesome use of the word "ziggurat".

[jellyfish]

I liked the story. Did you write it just for us? Like, on the spot?

[Bill Dungsroman]

I liked the story. Did you write it just for us? Like, on the spot?
Yes, I did. Beats me why, hope you guys liked it.


Your story needs a zombie and maybe a shotgun.

3/10

Zep--
Wow, a bitter asshole from Planetcrap. What are the odds of seeing one of those around here?

[madkevin]

He is right, though, if only because every story could use a zombie and a shotgun. Think how much that would have improved Citizen Kane.

[Zep--]

Wow, a bitter asshole from Planetcrap. What are the odds of seeing one of those around here?

---> Humor



---> Your Head

Zep--

[Bill Dungsroman]

---> Humor



---> Your Head

Zep--

----> My Point


----> Legs


---> Feet



Yep, still standing.

[Zep--]

-> You
->My Lawn

Get off!

Zep--

[Bill Dungsroman]

-> You
->My Lawn

Get off!

Zep--
Heh, I liked that one.

[Zep--]

*hugs*

Zep--

[Mister Widget]

Bill, why do so many people follow you to QT3 from other sites? This is an honest question. I'm hoping maybe you'll write us all a story about it.

[Bill Dungsroman]

Bill, why do so many people follow you to QT3 from other sites? This is an honest question. I'm hoping maybe you'll write us all a story about it.
I dunno if anyone's really followed me to here, per se. Some people from caltrops like to goof around sometimes, but most of them had accounts here before I did. Captain Cookiepants followed me from OMM to planethate to caltrops and dared me to come and register, because he thought I was all the anonymous accounts trolling him here. Then again, he thought a lot of curious things.

[Lurb]

I saw a link labelled "disregard" signed by Whitta and clicked on it.

[caesarbear]

Bill, why do so many people follow you to QT3 from other sites? This is an honest question. I'm hoping maybe you'll write us all a story about it.
Obviously for the off-beat prose.

[Shadarr]

That story would've been good if it was a watermelon--you don't pick honeydews by thumping. Totally ruined my suspension of disbelief.

[Bill Dungsroman]

That story would've been good if it was a watermelon--you don't pick honeydews by thumping. Totally ruined my suspension of disbelief.
Rats :(

[Rob Beschizza]

Amazon has a special place ready for "The Honeydew Ziggurat And Other Fruits"

[RichVR]

For those that don't know. Pal is dry dogfood.

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??


From Best of craigslist.

[Machfive]

Bill's story is pretty funny, but that dog food story takes the cake.

[Bill Dungsroman]

Bill's story is pretty funny, but that dog food story takes the cake.
It is pretty funny...although it's co-opted from an old joke.

[Kunikos]

Obviously for the off-beat prose.

Either that or the beat-off prose.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE??

[DoomMunky]

Either that or the beat-off prose.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE?? I love you guys!

[theKevin]

Either that or the beat-off prose.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE??

*takes notes*

[Andrew Mayer]

Either that or the beat-off prose.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE??

You guys are prose, which is better per verse.

[Kunikos]

Nicely played, Andrew.