The Cavalry to the Rescue!

[Woolen Horde]

Hahahahaha, this is great, I don't know what's funnier, the guy busts in with a freakin' cavalry sword in his hands, his demands to know where the "victim" is, or the fact that he's from (and this happens in) Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, which is the fictional birthplace of Cryptonomicon's Bobby Shaftoe. And this is such a Bobby Shaftoe thing to do.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17261433/

[Raife]

Contesting his neighbor’s account, Van Iveren said he didn’t look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.

“I had the sword extended. But that was all,” he said.

Hahaha!

Also:

Van Iveren, 39...

... who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment...

Save those helpless fantasy women!

[Drastic]

“I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened,” he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

There's nothing about this story that isn't great, but I think that's my favorite bit. I'm going to try using that excuse at work sometime. After I scream obscenities at someone who's complicated my day, I'll explain to my boss, "I intended to discuss the matter calmly and politely, but I froze instead, and what happened, happened."

I'll report back on how that goes.

[Rywill]

My favorite was the part where he denied threatening anyone with the sword, saying "I had the sword extended. That is all." Classic. And sounds vaguely like a double entendre.

[Robert Sharp]

He froze? That means his sword arm froze, but he was still able to kick in the door, all while remaining frozen in his torso, so that he couldn't put the sword behind his back?

[Rywill]

I am using that defense for all of my clients from now on. "Mr. Jones intended to report all of his income on his tax returns, Your Honor, but instead he froze, and what happened, happened." CASE DISMISSED.

[Old Man Gravy]

Police seized Van Iveren’s sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

Just in keeping with Rywill's double entendre theme.

[Aeon221]

Goofy as it sounds, at least the guy gave a shit. He coulda been right.

[Rywill]

Coulda been!

http://thugbot.net/features/lebowski/img/36.jpg

[Jakub]

At least it wasn't a "samurai sword".