Should be made into a movie

[Tyrion Lannister]

http://www.kentonline.co.uk/medway/news.asp?article_id=24561

[Aszurom]

I had this idea a few years back. Basically, you want to die but you don't want to die lame. You want to go out with a bang and impress your friends - give them something to talk about for a long time.

That's why I invented "Ninja Assisted Suicide (tm)"

They won't say "Boy, it's a shame about Joe... sad guy shot himself." No, they'll talk for years about what secret life you must have led to culminate in a team of crack ninjas coming out of nowhere to assassinate you in public. We also do birthday parties. Imagine, you and your friends sitting around the table for cake and ice cream, when suddenly a team of ninjas crashes through the window, assassinate you, and toss a smoke bomb - disappearing into thin air! You'll be the talk of the neighborhood for a LONG time!

Customize your demise from our menu:
Blowgun
Shuriken
Nunchaku (extra charge may apply, this can take a while)
She kicks high! (beautiful female ninja takes you out with a boot to the head!)
Garrotte
Katana Special

Also, group rates apply... amazing savings if several friends want to check out with you. *MUST* sign a consent form prior to the event.

[Steve Canyon]

One time I delivered helium balloons in costume for a place called Balloon City in Harrisburg, Pa. Once I went to a kid party as ET. To make you look like ET, you had to put on the costume and hold two broomsticks, which were designed to look like long alien arms. You wrapped the ribbon from the balloon boquet around ET's fingers and then jabbed it at the kids, so they could get their balloons. The problem was the ET head really obscured your vision. I lost my job for poking the eye of some poor little kid with my ET hand. It's not the same as having a Ninja take your life at a birthday party, but it's my contribution to this thread.

[Squirrel Killer]

Should be made into a movie
...only if it's a comedy.

FADE IN:

INT. DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM DAY

SUICIDAL WOMAN
So if I pay you, you'll have someone kill me?

SNEAKY BASTARD
Sure!

(SUICIDAL WOMAN hands SNEAKY BASTARD money.)


EXT. PARKING LOT A WEEK LATER NIGHT

SUICIDAL WOMAN
So if I pay you more, you'll kill me yourself?

SNEAKY BASTARD
Sure!

(SUICIDAL WOMAN hands SNEAKY BASTARD money.)


INT. FAMILY ROOM TWO WEEKS LATER DAY

SUICIDAL WOMAN
So if I pay you even more, you will actually kill me this time?

SNEAKY BASTARD
Sure!

(SUICIDAL WOMAN hands SNEAKY BASTARD money.)

BRITISH BOBBY
Hold it bloody well right there, hooligan!

SNEAKY BASTARD
Doh! If it wasn't for those meddling kids!

SUICIDAL WOMAN
Crikey, I did so want him to kill me...

RIMSHOT. FADE OUT.

[Dean]

One time I delivered helium balloons in costume for a place called Balloon City in Harrisburg, Pa. Once I went to a kid party as ET. To make you look like ET, you had to put on the costume and hold two broomsticks, which were designed to look like long alien arms. You wrapped the ribbon from the balloon boquet around ET's fingers and then jabbed it at the kids, so they could get their balloons. The problem was the ET head really obscured your vision. I lost my job for poking the eye of some poor little kid with my ET hand. It's not the same as having a Ninja take your life at a birthday party, but it's my contribution to this thread.

I see your ET and I raise you a Barney:

I was running around to kids' parties one day, and as usual I was running late. In the balloon biz you're always late, because you're trying to pack as many parties in as possible and in the summer that can be a lot. You're never at a party at the exact moment the Mom or Dad wants you to be there, but usually they're so glad that you actually showed that you don't get yelled at too much. Anyway, I pulled around the corner from the house with the party, got out of the balloon van and put my costume on. When wearing the purple dinosaur costume your vision is very limited because you're basically looking out the pachyderm's mouth. Not one centimeter of skin can show, because then the little rug rats will start yelling, "You're not Barney!!!!" and generally make your life miserable (though it is fun to turn abruptly so your tail sweeps a pile of them off their feet). You have to wear purple mittens so your gripping power isn't exactly at its peak. Then you have to hold a dozen sixteen-inch jumbo helium balloons, a stuffed purple dinosaur, and a certificate that says they have received an actual balloon-o-gram.

I reached in and wrapped the ribbons from the balloon around one hand (for better gripping). Then reached in for the stuffed animal and certificate. As I was groping blindly for the card, I saw the end of the ribbons moving past my viewport. The trained professional that I was, I immediately threw off my head and jumped for the rapidly ascending balloons.

I missed.

The balloons went drifting off their merry way (bound for the ocean to strangle seagulls who tried to feed on their dead rubber husks, no doubt), and I started jumping up and down yelling, "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"

I turned and standing next to me was a nice suburban woman with her three year old daughter. She said, "I brought my daughter over to meet Barney, but it looks like you're busy right now, so..."

I mumbled something and they left, the small girl holding back tears.

I know that somewhere, someday, a woman will lie on a couch and tell her therapist about the time she saw her childhood idol rip his own head off and yell profanity. The therapist will explain that this is the seminal experience that led to the woman's broken marriage and shattered personality.

All I can say is, "You should never sneak up on a purple pachyderm."

[Kool Moe Dee]

All I can say is, "You should never sneak up on a purple pachyderm."

Wouldn't that be an elephant?

[Steve Canyon]

I know that somewhere, someday, a woman will lie on a couch and tell her therapist about the time she saw her childhood idol rip his own head off and yell profanity. The therapist will explain that this is the seminal experience that led to the woman's broken marriage and shattered personality.


Hey, I think I know this girl. She grew up to be kind of sleazy, sleeping with guys if they had the costume of one of her childhood idols. I didn't have the Barney costume she originally wanted, but it turns out she was cool with Donald Duck.

[Bill Dungsroman]

Hey, I think I know this girl. She grew up to be kind of sleazy, sleeping with guys if they had the costume of one of her childhood idols. I didn't have the Barney costume she originally wanted, but it turns out she was cool with Donald Duck.

Dude, she was fuckin' goofy.

[Steve Canyon]

Dude, she was fuckin' goofy.

Ain't saying she's a gold digger...

[Dean]

Wouldn't that be an elephant?

Actually that's what we called it to avoid nasty copyright infringement suits. We would say, "It's a purple pachyderm that could be mistaken for a Barney dinosaur if you were, say, a four year old."