Koontz Gets A Girlfriend!

[DrCrypt]

In case you missed it, Herr Koontz has suddenly (http://www.quartertothree.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?p=238777#238777) started claiming that he has a girlfriend, and frankly, that revelation has had upon all those who have heard its eerie murmur the nightmarish sensation that we have all been transplanted as aliens in enantiomorphic universe where everything is twisted, backwards and wrong.

More remarkably, not only is he claiming to have a girlfriend, but he's claiming that he isn't a virgin! Of course, that puts it as over the top as Sylvester Stallone tugging on a home made barbell pulley system, pumping up to win the rig that'll change his life, give his kid a home and a spacious cab in which to fuck the octagenarian truck stop waitresses flitting across his well-rambled path. Thanks to the laughable revelation that Koontz has had sex, we can now all have complete confidence that this is nothing but a hilarious, incompetent lie.

But in case you're doubting and still shuddering from head to toe in metaphysical terror of up equaling down and black equaling white, here's a couple of Klassic Koontz Kwotes from the past. They all concern Brian's expertise with the opposite sex, and have basically served him not only as credos but as verbal innoculations against ever, ever, ever wink wink wink innoculating a woman of his own.

Money isn't a slave as McCullough says, but is rather a woman. Treat her right and she multiplies, poorly and she leaves you.

Level 0 is that it doesn't take Force to have sex with a drugged woman. She's compliant.

A woman either wants or does not want a particular man to inject her with sperm.

Great pillow talk, Brian! But I think we all know that you've never injected anybody. I can only assume that you're gleaming your knowledge of sexual intercourse and your reactions to it from the number of films you've seen about the subject (http://www.quartertothree.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=10548) and from which you've synthesized all the relevant data on what sex must actually be like in order to pontificate to others about the topic. Way to go, dude!

[stusser]

How petty. Starting an entire thread whose sole purpose is wallowing in schadenfreude isn't cool.

[Midnight Son]

Hey c'mon, Koontz getting laid might change him for the better.

[Kalle]

I think you're taking things a bit too far. Koontz said he had a girlfriend, big deal.

[Mehrunes]

I don't understand. The link you provided ("Doesn't sex with your girlfriend help you get to sleep? That always works for me.") doesn't seem to be a claim that he has a girlfriend. In fact, I think the implication is that if he has trouble falling asleep the simplest solution is to have sex with your girlfriend. :)

[Bullhajj]

I don't understand. The link you provided ("Doesn't sex with your girlfriend help you get to sleep? That always works for me.") doesn't seem to be a claim that he has a girlfriend. In fact, I think the implication is that if he has trouble falling asleep the simplest solution is to have sex with your girlfriend. :)

Maybe Koontz sleeping with Crypt's girlfriend has Crypt so jealous he has to start this mean spirited poll to get his revenge.

[Rywill]

DrCrypt = Ahab

[Robert Sharp]

DrCrypt = Ahab

who gets to be queequeg?

[nutsak]

I don't understand. The link you provided ("Doesn't sex with your girlfriend help you get to sleep? That always works for me.") doesn't seem to be a claim that he has a girlfriend. In fact, I think the implication is that if he has trouble falling asleep the simplest solution is to have sex with your girlfriend. :)

Maybe Koontz sleeping with Crypt's girlfriend has Crypt so jealous he has to start this mean spirited poll to get his revenge.

Actually I believe Koontz was talking about my girlfriend. I don't mind the comment, in fact I found it rather funny.


As for this whole thread? :shrug: I don't care if Koontz has a girl or not. Crazy people need love too.

[Kraaze]

2 points.

1. Crypt has finally gone over the edge with his Koontz stalking. He's now more annoying than Koontz.

2. The poll is invalid. It need a SHIT BONERZ! option

[DennyA]

Why can't an imaginary persona have a girlfriend? She's just as real as Brian is!

[Sparky]

Koontz implied I was cool on another thread, so I think I'm going to be his girlfriend now. Hopefully he'll take me to the new Harry Potter movie, and then we'll sit in an arty coffeehouse and confabulate about fishing in MMORPGs until they throw us out.

I'll wear my red beret.

[Brian Koontz]

Mehrunes is correct. DrCrypt needs help. DennyA is wrong.

It was a twist on an old joke, I liked the subtlety and double meaning. I made the joke partly to indirectly attack the "therapy" type of posting on Qt3. We've recently had two dead cat group hugs and then the paranoia/insomnia double feature. Individually all that is fine, but I'm not liking the idea of Qt3 becoming an AA meeting place or a Dear Abby write-in party. Like absinthe, it should be treated in moderation.

DrCrypt apparently neglects to remember that there were three major reasons why I don't offer much personal information on this messageboard. Now only two of those reasons remain, but that's enough to retain the status quo.

Since DrCrypt endlessly projects himself onto me, he thinks I am personally reserved for the same reason he is, to create an aura of mystery and non-humanity which helps his seductive/myth-making goals. He is wrong*.

So now he is resentful of my "outing" of him, and attacks me in the way he himself would be most hurt, public humiliation and discredit.

All I want is for DrCrypt to become open, honest, and straightforward. All I want is to destroy his current model*.

A nice mess. I wonder what Abby would say about it.

If Crypt pursues a transition away from his current model, what would that look like?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* As I've said before, I have a DrCrypt inside me. While DrCrypt is wrong, his position is far from baseless. I have in fact pursued DrCrypt's model in other places. While I learned a great deal from the experience, I attacked my motives and finally denounced them. I destroyed that model in myself.

I see nothing in DrCrypt that implies a great need for this model, such that destroying it in him would not offer the same sort of benefits it did for myself.

I will celebrate the day DrCrypt makes the transition. I wonder what else is needed to show him that path.

As I've said before, I am not DrCrypt's enemy.

[Dirt]

Is this the beginning of another Huffman/Smart type stalking?

[Brian Koontz]

Koontz implied I was cool on another thread, so I think I'm going to be his girlfriend now. Hopefully he'll take me to the new Harry Potter movie, and then we'll sit in an arty coffeehouse and confabulate about fishing in MMORPGs until they throw us out.

I'll wear my red beret.

Sparky is so cool that I don't even mind that I think she just insulted me.

Sparky can do whatever she wants to me, as long as it does not involve knives.

[Old Man Gravy]

Now opening for the Crypt Correlative: Brian and the Klassic Koontz Kwotes.

C'mon, don't gimme that look. You all know you get bonerz when either of these guys drops a post here, just like me. We'd all pay money and wear the t-shirt to that concert.

[nutsak]

It was a twist on an old joke, I liked the subtlety and double meaning. I made the joke partly to indirectly attack the "therapy" type of posting on Qt3. We've recently had two dead cat group hugs and then the paranoia/insomnia double feature. Individually all that is fine, but I'm not liking the idea of Qt3 becoming an AA meeting place or a Dear Abby write-in party. Like absinthe, it should be treated in moderation.


Oh right, so basically your saying your a pussy. Really.. if you want to attack a thread go for it. Jon R does it. It might be annoying when he does it but at least he's got the fucking balls to do so. (hell even Jobe had more balls than you do)

Come on mate, let it all out.

There's reasons people post those kinds of threads.
a) They need a shoulder to cry on.
b) We'd like some advice on what to do next.

My own thread (the sleep one you attacked in the wrong thread in the wrong section.). I posted that here because I felt that most of the people here are experienced enough in life to offer me something useful, which, as it turns out has actually helped me a little.

I really can't be bothered slinging insults at you over this.

[synic]

Koontz, if you don't want to read "everything else" just leave. You don't have to be a trolling cockmaster.

[Guido Jones]

Koontz, you're so bad at analyzing people it's not even funny.

And WTF Crypt, I don't even get credit for finding that quote for you?

[MattKeil]

"In the jungles of Qt3dom, the thread switches gears rapidly."

[John Many Jars]

Now opening for the Crypt Correlative: Brian and the Klassic Koontz Kwotes.

C'mon, don't gimme that look. You all know you get bonerz when either of these guys drops a post here, just like me. We'd all pay money and wear the t-shirt to that concert.

It's like when David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar went on tour together. The question is: Which one is DLR, Koontz or Crypt?

[shift6]

Like absinthe, it should be treated in moderation.
Calling Anders, come in Anders.

Koontz implied I was cool on another thread, so I think I'm going to be his girlfriend now. Hopefully he'll take me to the new Harry Potter movie, and then we'll sit in an arty coffeehouse and confabulate about fishing in MMORPGs until they throw us out.

I'll wear my red beret.
Sparky is so cool that I don't even mind that I think she just insulted me.

Sparky can do whatever she wants to me, as long as it does not involve knives.
She's so hot, she's cool; and so cool, she's hot! Yowza!

[Kyle Wilson]

This thread is so perfect that nothing I could say could possibly make it any better. I'm just posting because when it's unearthed by future historians, I'd like my name to be associated with it in some way.

[Bill Dungsroman]

Like absinthe, it should be treated in moderation.


My eyes, the pretentiousness. Make it stop. Please Brian, someone told you they used absinthe a month ago, and you asked "How many days are you permitted to miss work before they require a doctor's note?" and then related esoteric fabricated statistics on job performance and missed work days, because they sort of sounded right. And you can't get laid either, which I find hilarious since I'm swimming in pussy and can barely find the time or summon the energy to type with all this fucking I'm doing. Really, all of us are, and that's why we secretely laugh at you. By secretely I mean, of course, directly in your face.

[DrCrypt]

To be fair to Koontz, this is one of the arrows that, with a slorch and a Peter-Lorre's-M look of perverted ecstasy about him, he sometimes unquivers from his doughy virgin ass to fling at me. He's not claiming he drinks absinthe: he's pointing out that I do (http://www.quartertothree.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=4106&highlight=metropolis). I also regularly smoke a pipe and a hookah - big deal. I guess it is kinda pretentious, but I've long since ceased to derive any sort of satisfaction over letting these idiosyncracies slip just for idiosyncracy's sake. It can be troubling to find myself floating in my mid-twenties in the pretentious airs that I once - totally to attract attention - put upon as a college student.

However, Koontz's incompetent jabs are actually pretty awesome to me. They are constant reminders of the fact that now that I actually enjoy all these things on their own merit, between the absinthe and the shishah and the pipe, I'm probably only an eyepatch, a monocle, a cravat, a cigarette holder and forty years of decadence away from flinging myself out there in full-blown Continental Eccentric mode.

http://www.lileks.com/bleats/archive/03/0603/0602art/metroart/lang.jpg

Dude!

[Doug Erickson]

So Brian's down on the self-help posting style, but he wants Crypt to confess his supposed posting insecurities?

Brian Koontz: HERE TO HELP, except when the problem involves REALITY like dead cats and insomnia. THE DOCTOR IS IN, motherfucker, EXCEPT WHEN HE'S OUT.

At any rate, my head has completed its full 360-degree rotation and left my body, whereby the terrifying question of Brian's sexual experience has become entirely moot. Adrift in this sea of abject relativity, where even the kraken of hypocrisy is as tame as any goldfish, I'm left to contemplate alien thoughts like "what if Sparky was Brian's girlfriend?"

Fuck.

[Bill Dungsroman]

To be fair to Koontz, this is one of the arrows that, with a slorch and a Peter-Lorre's-M look of perverted ecstasy about him, he sometimes unquivers from his doughy virgin ass to fling at me. He's not claiming he drinks absinthe: he's pointing out that I do (http://www.quartertothree.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=4106&highlight=metropolis).

Ah, a Koontz flame. Who knew? Regardless, it's lost in a sea of preposterous Krazy Koontz Klaims anyway.

I also regularly smoke a pipe and a hookah - big deal. I guess it is kinda pretentious, but I've long since ceased to derive any sort of satisfaction over letting these idiosyncracies slip just for idiosyncracy's sake. It can be troubling to find myself floating in my mid-twenties in the pretentious airs that I once - totally to attract attention - put upon as a college student.

The pretention slides off like my boxers on a co-ed giggle when referenced to thou, Doc. Unlike the unnumbered droves of hyper-cynical internet denizens, someone mentioning they happen to fuck or do an interesting drug or fly a bomber jet does not faze. I don't :roll: at your :twisted: , in other woids.

However, Koontz's incompetent jabs are actually pretty awesome to me. They are constant reminders of the fact that now that I actually enjoy all these things on their own merit, between the absinthe and the shishah and the pipe, I'm probably only an eyepatch, a monocle, a cravat, a cigarette holder and forty years of decadence away from flinging myself out there in full-blown Continental Eccentric mode.

http://www.lileks.com/bleats/archive/03/0603/0602art/metroart/lang.jpg

Dude!

We now have the album cover for The Crypt Correlative's debut EP (too high on absinthe and hookah fumes to put together a full-length, doncha know).

[DrCrypt]

It was a twist on an old joke, I liked the subtlety and double meaning. I made the joke partly to indirectly attack the "therapy" type of posting on Qt3. We've recently had two dead cat group hugs and then the paranoia/insomnia double feature. Individually all that is fine, but I'm not liking the idea of Qt3 becoming an AA meeting place or a Dear Abby write-in party. Like absinthe, it should be treated in moderation.
Ha ha ha! I know, I know - it is all a part of some secret mastermind scheme to enlighten humanity, Brian. Every failed joke, lofty metamoral diagnosis or bizarre imaginary dialogue you've composed to justify positions probably not even informed by their original sources is really analogous to the parables an enlightened Yeshua would sometimes deliver to the filthy, lice-ridden Jews. I'd recommend a book on Messiah Complexes to you, but chances are, you would begin pontificating about your impressions of it before you'd even glanced at the laundry quotes on the back.

Anyway, a lie about having sex becomes a not-very-witty double entendre on having sex with nutsak's girlfriend transforms like a butterfly into a passionate plea for a Brian's nebulous definition of dialogue excellence on Quarter to Three. Does that definition of dialogue excellence involve not engaging in discussions about authors or movies of which you are totally ignorant? Of not subscribing to an absurd Biblical capitalization protocol? Of not channeling Milton's War on Heaven to mythologize someone calling you an idiot? Of not giving yourself laughable titles like "an expert in human communication and more importantly human identiy" or "most respected thinker on this forum, by far"?

Of course not. It refers to a ban on asking for advice or talking about your cat.

Since DrCrypt endlessly projects himself onto me, he thinks I am personally reserved for the same reason he is, to create an aura of mystery and non-humanity which helps his seductive/myth-making goals. He is wrong*.

I just want to say how totally wonderful it is that you can even compose a sentence like this without spraying ironic fluid from every sexually-unplunged orifice. "DrCrypt endlessly projects himself onto me" followed by an insane rant about how you as a melodramatic doofus project that I go around plotting against you. Way to go, dude!

Anyway, I'm not personally reserved - you keep on saying this, and it just isn't true. There's a large number of people here and on IRC who know as much about me as I know about them. If it's relevant, I'll bring it up. I'm not hiding who I am or what I've accomplished or what mistakes I've made: I'm just not going to gabble on irrelevantly about them in some fruity About Schmidt thread (where you first seem to have dreamed this notion up) when you accuse me of disliking the film because "Schmidt is just like my father" or some such absurd irrelevancy. I'm not some fucking masked villain in Astro Boy or Scooby Doo, you idiot - I don't care about a "cult of mystery" or whatever the heck you were just babbling about.

Anyway, who's the "myth-maker" here? Let's keep in mind that I'm not the guy who actually composes sentences casting his Internet foil as some evil wizard calling up from Hell's chthonic depths a demon-spawn "aura of mystery and non-humanity". Which I guess serves as some sort of magical antipode to your own aura of flatulence and stupidity. Man, glad something's keeping it at bay!

Rest assured, contrary to what you might like to believe, I find calling you just an outrangeous buffoon satisfying for its own sake. Magical auras, wizards and fairies not even implied. Ha ha ha.

So now he is resentful of my "outing" of him, and attacks me in the way he himself would be most hurt, public humiliation and discredit.
Well, you've got the attack right, obviously. But I don't get it - first of all, what "outing"? Oh, you mean that entire "cloak of seduction/myth making" thing, right? That's not much of an outing, because it isn't true... it's just your fruity, unevidenced assertion. Consequently, I'm not resentful of it in the slighest. Which makes my attack here just pure devious maliciousness, plain and simple... if anything, it is resentful of the fact that you won't go out there and buy yourself a clue or even read a damn comic book before you start pompously preaching to everyone. Let alone fuck a girl before you start commenting about a woman's supreme desire in life: namely, being profusely injected with sperm.

Which brings me to my "secondly!" Why in God's name would you be hurt, publically humiliated or discredited by my attack here if my attack weren't absolute gospel? That not only are you single, that you know nothing about women, but you've never had sex?

In addition to the fact that you're not actually denying it (which I'd actually accept, considering the fact you habitually make embarassing admissions about, say, not having read any of the authors in a conversation in which you have been making literary comparisons between them. You're deluded, but more or less honest), I would basically just laugh if you called me a virgin, just like I'd laugh if you insinuated I was an extraterrestrial ninja pirate or something. You could post that I didn't have a girlfriend and that wouldn't bother me either: I don't right now and I'm pretty cool with it. It only becomes a humiliating, discrediting public attack if it is both true and it bothers you. Which I guess it does.

Too late to deny it now, though. I don't want to seem like I'm projecting my aura of non-humanity upon you, Brian, but thanks for confirming your virginity for all of us in the fruitiest way possible.

As I've said before, I have a DrCrypt inside me.
Ha ha ha! You wish, fag!

[Ranulf]

* As I've said before, I have a DrCrypt inside me.


Is it like that mutant baby guy stuck in the chest of another guy in Total Recall?

[Jazar]

One day, millions of years from now, Charlton Heston will have travelled to what he thought was the edge of another world. And he will come across this thread.

And he will damn us. Damn us all to hell.

[shift6]

...just like I'd laugh if you insinuated I was an extraterrestrial ninja pirate or something.
Wait wait wait... hold up...

you aren't?