TO: All Mother Base staff
FROM: Moist Caterpillar, chief of operations, Seychelles
CC: Quarter to Three
DATE: September 17, 2015…no, wait, I think it’s the 80s
SUBJECT: When the helicopter lands
When you hear the helicopter coming in, please congregate at the landing pad so Tom doesn’t have to run around a godawful labyrinthine tangle of catwalks and ladders to find you so you can salute him. If your morale isn’t improved by hearing Kajagoogoo’s Too Shy playing as the helicopter approaches, and if the only way you’re going to be happy is if you can salute him, then make your own way to meet him. He’s got better things to do. Like some hoo-ha about metal gears and I think nukes or something and also flipping around on his iDroid to set up dispatch missions and such. Anyway, all that other stuff is supposedly more important than learning the layout of an oil rig.
Also, please don’t stand at attention right at the shower entrance while he’s taking a shower. It’s kind of creepy.
Also, quit making such a big deal about the dog and the animals that have been saved, which are mostly gerbils.
Finally, he’d like to apologize for all the men he’s accidently judo thrown to the ground. The icon for hand-to-hand combat is exactly what an icon for returning a salute would look like.