The top ten lines from the latest episode of True Detective

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As we’re drawing to the close of my favorite new comedy series, I’d like to highlight some of the latest episode’s most memorable bits of dialogue.

After the jump, how True Detective writer Nic Pizzolatto thinks people talk.

#10

“You want me to roll a joint?”

Rachel McAdams wakes up after crashing following a bad drug trip in which she recalled being molested as a child. She’s obviously still out of it. The above is Colin Farrell’s first offer to her. Not a glass of water. A joint.

#9

“In the midst of being gangbanged by forces unseen, I figured I’d drill a new orifice. Go on and fuck myself for a change.”

Vince Vaughn’s character shouldn’t quit his day job to pursue a career as a carpenter, plumber, or gynecologist.

#8

“Keep it holstered.”

In a previous episode, we found out that Kelly Reilly was an unseen third element in a three-way breakfast kitchen Mexican stand-off. So believe it or not, the above line isn’t a dick joke. It’s an actual literal request that Colin Farrell keep his gun holstered.

#7

“What are we supposed to do?”
“Room service.”

Taylor Kitsch has installed his mother and fiancee in a motel to keep them safe while Bad Stuff Goes Down. A motel. He’s put them up in a motel. So when they ask him what they should do, he tells them to get room service. In a motel. Just a motel, in case you didn’t catch that. Room service. In a motel. Has Taylor Kitsch never actually stayed in a motel?

#6

“Kid’s a twist.”

Sure, Vince Vaughn’s flippant observation about an unreliable character might be how they talked in the olden days. But anyone who says this in a show filmed in color has watched Brick too many times.

#5

Rachel McAdams: “Maybe, and this is just a thought, maybe you were put on Earth for more than fucking.”
Indignant prostitute, getting in a sick burn: “Everything’s fucking.”

I would buy this line in Chinatown, where everything was indeed fucking. But in this season of True Detective, I’m pretty sure most things are either land deals, casinos, murder, or blue diamonds. Maybe one or two things, tops, are fucking.

#4

“Look me in the eyes. I wanna watch your lights go out.”

The great thing about this line is Vince Vaughn’s delivery. He still seems to be working out the fine line between nattering and threatening. So he says the line the way someone might say “nightie-nite!”

#3

“Stay safe and stay alive.”

During one of the episode’s dozens of scenes in which characters send away other character to keep them safe while some upcoming Bad Stuff Goes Down, David Morse says this to Rachel McAdams. I’m pretty sure at least one of those is redundant.

#2

“Please articulate the percentage you require in order to transact with me.”

Vince Vaughn says this to a reluctant jeweler. I believe the line comes from a long-lost Coneheads sketch.

#1

“Do me a favor. Hum my balls a little, huh?”

The boozy mayor of Vinci, California says this to some random chick in a bar. If only Anthony Weiner had stuck to lines like this instead of pics of his dick, he might still be in Congress.

But the real winner in this latest episode of True Detective was the show’s three-step process of foreplay, with each step being a brief exchange of dialogue. This is what writer Nic Pizzolatto sees as the way to play two characters over to their sex scene.

Step one:

Colin Farrell: “I made a choice a long time ago. I thought everything came from something else, but it came from there. You had something like that too once, right?”
Rachel McAdams: “That’s not something I talk about.”
Colin Farrell: “That’s one of the things I admire about you.”

That she doesn’t yammer on about being molested? Oh, Colin Farrell, such the charmer.

Step two:

Rachel McAdams: “You’re not a bad man.”
Colin Farrell: “Yes I am.”

Am not. Are too. Am not. Are too. Am not. Etc.

And step three:

Colin Farrell: “Do you miss it?”
Rachel McAdams: “What?”
Colin Farrell: “Anything.”

And then sex happens. The cadence of this last exchange reminds me of a knock knock joke that falls apart. To wit:

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Anyone.

Tom Stoppard would be proud. Or confused. Maybe both.

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