Gaming with Children: League of Legends vs. puke

, | Game diaries

Okay, so Monday’s nothing but a memory they implanted in your head which leads us to Tuesday, the day we really get our game on. The morning walk is spent pissing and moaning to my buddy about last night’s League of Legends debacle. I bitch that I wish he would learn more than the one champ he’s pro with. He mentions something about dealing with a wife and kids are a priority and time constraints and blah, blah, bleh, blah, boo-hoo. Learn another champion, noob.

After the jump, the price of late-night League of Legends

The morning train ride has me with my laptop running, cooking my balls off, Out of the Park Baseball booted up, and me sleeping with my mouth wide open, drooling on the train window. Those noobs from the night before are affecting my train-game time.

At the office, after grabbing a cup of tea, I start work. I’ve got a job in television on a news show. We update the previous day’s show for the morning markets, than get a break until we have to do day-of-air work (which is making a whole new show from scratch). That break is usually an hour-and-a-half, ending right after lunch time. One of the best ideas I’ve had was to start bringing in lunch from home. It saves me about a hundred dollars a month. That’s more money for my Steam backlog. It also means that I don’t have to go out and waste a half hour getting it. That’s an extra half hour of gaming. I shove a cheese sandwich down my throat while booting up my laptop.

I’m currently wrapping up a game called Knights of Honor. And by wrapping up, I mean that I’ve put several hours into my current game and it’s getting repetitious. I’ve seen all there is to see and now I’m just moving the same units back and forth. I’m close to one of the victory conditions that could be considered a technology win.

The game has taught me certain basic concepts that will help me move up a class to Paradox’s grand strategy title, Europa Universalis 3. I can’t recommend Knights of Honor enough for anyone that wants to get the basics for Europa Universalis 3. Strategy game writer Troy Goodfellow once mentioned long ago that he thought it was a good game that played like a basic version of a Paradox strategy title. I couldn’t agree more. With the game now won, lunch eaten and work knocking on the door, I’m out.

SIDEBAR ALERT: Allow me to sidebar a little education for those desktop diehards who do not get what the fuss is with single player games that require an active internet connection. I can’t play them. And this is exactly why. I game on a laptop. I game on a laptop because, as you’ll see, it’s one of the few ways I can find the time to game, and that’s on the go. A commute, a break at work, in the tool shed. I spend more time gaming in places where there is no internet connection than I do where I can find one. I’d love to play Settlers 7, but I can’t. And it’s not that I’m protesting it, making a stand for Joe gamer or anything noble like that. I just can’t play the game, at all, period.

On the train ride home, I boot up Europa Universalis 3. Screaming like a little school girl I quickly shut it off. This game isn’t for the weak. You pro Starcraft gamers out there, you ain’t got nothing on a seasoned Europa Universalis player.

After reading something about an alligator wanting a cookie, I tuck the little ones in bed and head for my man cave. The Fields of Justice beckon. I’m deep into a 3v3 match when it happens…the dreaded phone intercom goes off. It’s like an ice-pick being stabbed repeatedly into my head. On the other end of the line is my wife, who is upstairs, and in the background I hear my daughter crying. Fun time sinks to the bottom of the ocean. “Get up here now!” We are at Defcon 2.

You see, my daughter is an evil mastermind currently engaged in a singular sinister plot, to cover the entire world in puke. It seems almost every other night, within an hour of going to bed, she suddenly wakes up crying and puking. It’s a race for me to drop the phone, run upstairs, grab her out of bed and get her to the toilet before she starts barfing. Mind you, I am in the middle of an online, team based game. At this moment, I click to have my champion head back to base, the longest way possible. I hope to be back before my teammates start suspecting that I’m AFK. My hopes are never realized. She usually pukes either on the bed or herself. Tonight’s bonus is she did both and got the floor as well. A hat trick. So I’m changing something, wiping things up, and praying to the gaming gods that my wife doesn’t detect my urgency. You never put games before the family. Okay, okay, you never let them think you put games before family. So you rush, but you make it like you’re not in a hurry. You’ll learn, padawan.

By the time that I get back to the game, it’s been a full five minutes. It’s like the military, the more you do this the faster you get. I mention something about a crappy connection, yadda, yadda, tried messaging you guys, blah, blah. If we are ahead, I get the no worries all clear sign. If not, that’s when whatever shred of human decency is thrown out the window:

“You fuckin’ noob. You suck.”
“Do everyone a favor, uninstall now.”
“Why don’t you upgrade your toaster.”
“(ALL) Hey, this noob’s trying to blame his shitty skillz on a bad connection.”
“Fuck You.”
“Reported.”

I’m usually pretty good at catching up by farming on creeps. When I have the right equipment, I rock with Yi, a fast champion. Speed is the key. As long as my teammates can defend our base, I can take a backdoor into the enemy’s base, destroy his defensive towers, and end up winning the game. We do this. What do I get for the comeback?

“Fuck you noob.”

I’ve also been called racial names, the ‘n-word’ specifically. I’m caucasion, but my wife and kids are black. I would never want them subjected to this hostility. You shouldn’t encounter that in a game, where you’re supposed to be having fun.

Next: me, starring as a deceitful bastard
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J.P. Lucas works, pays bills, eats, and sleeps. He changes diapers. Lots of diapers. And he does whatever his wife tells him to do. It’s safer that way.

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