Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses: Marley takes a horse

, | Game diaries

I continually forget what I am doing every time I reload my game so I have half a million quests going at the same time. It’s gotten so bad that I end up in a town talking to a random NPC who has a quest for me that hey, I’ve already done, so here is this thing you wanted. Clairvoyance ain’t got nothing on me!

After the jump, magiclessness, butterfly mangling, and a new friend

Not that I use spells at all. Like horses, magic is clearly the root of all evil in this world. I mean, the Daedra aren’t just running around swinging swords, motherfuckers are blasting you with spells and last time I checked in a world without magic the dead don’t rise and try to kill you. So no magic for me, I remain one of the pure, unadulterated people of the world.

Except for that Dragonborn thing, but you can’t pick your parents.

One day I will be able to purge Skyrim of all magic users, but first I am apparently practicing my genocide skills on butterflies. It’s part of what I love about this game: it gives you the option to “catch blue butterfly” but that’s not what it means. Oh no. By “catch” it means “tear into pieces the moment you get your hands on it” and you will find two perfect butterfly wings nestled snugly in your inventory the next time you look. I don’t know what I expected, it’s not like I’m carrying around a jar to hold live butterflies in, so I guess I am okay with being the Hitler of the Butterfly Kingdom.

It turns out that about 200 pounds of my inventory is usually stuff like butterfly wings and green apples, so I have adapted a sort of Hansel and Gretel approach to wandering: I know if I’ve been somewhere when I stumble across piles of discarded wooden bowls, tankards, and baskets. I really have to wonder what the people of Skyrim think of this. Will it be built into my legend? Will the bards sing songs about the Dragonborn who saved Skyrim yet also caused littering to become a hot button issue?

I can only hope.

Until then I have figured out my perks and by far the best one is where you get to bribe the guards to ignore the fact that you just did something wrong. If I never buy another perk, I will be happy with that extra option I now receive when they come to confront me. While I am still a little dismayed by the lack of options in a conversation (I’m a mean and horrible person, where is my mean and horrible option!?) I have been delighted by a couple of the quests in Riften. Particularly the one involving the horse Frost who I not only stole, but then had a guy pay me to keep because I’m just that terrifying and manipulative. Even though it centered around a horse I give this quest an A++ for allowing me to feel like a total badass.

And any rumors you here about me reloading the game because a dragon happened to kill Frost are certainly being taken out of context. I definitely do not like him or stash him out of the way so he won’t get hurt if I know something is going to try to kill me. It’s just if anyone is going to kill him it’s going to be me ok.

Now excuse me, I need to go find some sugar cubes.

For tea.

Shut up.

Click here for the previous entry of Skyrim: The Real Enemy Is Horses

When not killing horses, Marley enjoys fixing computers, digging up ancient civilizations, acting in terrible webisodes, and cats.

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