I have no idea what’s going on in Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3. All I know is that when I play as Phoenix Wright, my special ability is to lie down and pull an Asian woman out of my pants. It must be a Japanese thing.
It’s particularly infuriating, because whatever’s going on with Phoenix Wright, I think he’s a character I want to play. Looking over the move list in the pause screen shows that he can toggle between investigation mode, in which he picks up items and puts them into folders, and trial mode, in which he uses the items for different kinds of attacks. He’s got a third mode, but search me if I know how to activate it or what it does. Of course, the mission mode — what a misleading name for a mostly useless feature — quickly slams me against a wall in which I’m learning nothing about the character and I’m instead learning that I can’t figure out the split-second timing it takes to get two mediums, a heavy, and a special attack during an air combo. I don’t need a mission mode to tell me that.
I really want to play the new characters in Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, but Capcom can’t be arsed to teach me how. Which reminds me why Marvel vs. Capcom 3 (a.k.a. Penultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3) was both my favorite game of the year and my most disappointing game of the year back in July.
Sometimes an intersection is jammed with the smoking wreckage of cars and swarming with cops and gang members just because. Shots were fired, things got out of hand, chaos descended. Any good urban open-world game works this way. Stuff happens and then more stuff happens and then all sorts of crazy stuff has happened.
But sometimes there’s a reason for it all (pictured). And sometimes it happens to the accompaniment of a Finnish chick in a French band called The Do singing a song called Queen Dot Kong that makes me think of rioting clowns taking shotguns to each other.
It’s a little messed up round here, round here, round here…
It’s a little messed up round here, round here, round here…
It’s a little messed up round here, round here, round here…
No one told me to dress up
Well, you, wow, how
This is pretty damn queer
Oh shit, now we’re stuck
We’re stuck together for real
After the jump, well you wow how, indeed Continue reading →
I’m sure Super Mario 3D Land on the Nintendo 3DS will be great for lots of folks. It just feels awfully generic to me. I blame my inability to appreciate whatever charm Mario is supposed to have, even when he dresses up as a raccoon. This week’s Rayman: Origins is more my speed. You know, weird, arty, French.
Speaking of French, Assassin’s Creed: Revelations is out. And speaking of retreads, Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary will let you enjoy the original Halo in HD. If you like racing games where you drive down long thin roads to try to pass cars that began the race in front of you, Electronic Arts offers Need for Speed: The Run. Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 is as inscrutable as ever.
But the dire threat to your wallet is Saints Row The Third, reviewed here, if you want scientific proof that you should buy it.
