The worst Jesus-free review of Portal 2 you will ever read

Posted by on May 9, 2011 in Games

If you’re going to review Portal 2, that’s cool with me if you don’t bring up Jesus. Seriously, I’m totally okay with that. I reviewed Portal 2 here and I didn’t once mention Jesus, or any other religious figure. It’s a perfectly viable approach. So why would I have a problem with this Jesusless review of Portal 2?

Because the site is called Christ Centered Gamer. I followed a link to the review because I was genuinely curious to read a Christian perspective on Portal 2. Doesn’t a game about an all-powerful being putting her hapless subject through trails resonate with a religion that sees fit to include the story of Job in its bible? Isn’t there a cute analog to the Incarnation of Christ when GlaDOS is made flesh in a potato, tormented by a bird, bereft of much of her power, and brought to a closer relationship with Chell? Do I detect something Christian in Portal 2′s vertical movement, plunged into the depths and eventually reaching into the heavens? Doesn’t Wheatley’s easy descent into cruelty say something about human sin, even if he’s a man-made simulacrum of humanity? Isn’t Cave Johnson about as big a blowhard as Paul? Okay, I’m not really a Christian, so it’s not my job to come up with that stuff, but that’s the sort of thing I’d like to read about.

Instead, I got a review that’s no different from what I could read on a boring ass secular site like Gamespot or IGN. It’s all stuff that may as well be on the back of a box. Not a shred of insight, much less Christian insight. Which is really nothing new. So many reviews are dryly observational, minus any meaningful perspective, or much insight, or even context.

I poked around Christ Centered Gaming in vain, hoping to read about how Alan Wake’s dark world might resonate with a Christian, or how a Christian might feel about the historical representation of his religion in Paradox’s strategy games like Victoria II. No such luck. Instead, the Christian perspective is reduced to an absurd morality score, explained here, in which points are docked based on the presence of occult themes, profanity, violence, homosexuality, or disrespect for family values. In other words, the only potentially interesting observations are reduced to a numerical score that equates Christianity with facile morality. I suppose it’s about as helpful as any review score.

  • Jason McMaster

    Wonder what they’ll think about that El Shaddai game

  • Matt W

    Awesome post. I loved this line from the review: “Other than that, the game is relatively family friendly.

  • Luke

    Tom, having experienced it both before and after my Portal 2 experience, I have to say that I love your Gameshark review byline. What a great way to include multiple meanings.

  • Jason Cross

    Am I missing something? Tom’s byline at Gameshark only says “By: Tom Chick”.
    Or did you mean the deck?

    As for the Christ Centered Gamer….I don’t know how many practicing Christians you know, Tom, but it occurs to me that “facile morality” might be spot-on for the modern Christian. It’s not about thoughtfulness, it’s about a RuleBook.

  • KeysE2s

    Screaming hordes of enraged Jesus fanboi in 3…2…1…

  • Luke

    Thanks for correcting me, Jason, and teaching me a new term. I didn’t know quite what to call the thing I was referring to (deck or subhead, apparently), but the wikipedia article about bylines made it seem like that term was good enough. It’s not.

    I agree with your brief assessment of modern Christianity. That’s why I’m not the least bit surprised at CCG’s facile review of Portal 2. I’d really enjoy reading a thoughtful article about Portal 2 and Christianity, but most gamers, and most smart people, don’t take Christianity seriously enough to bother — way to go, modern Christians. What a shame.

  • Kyle Penniston

    Any particular reason you used a picture of a level from the original Portal for an article about Portal 2? Some kind of ironic sarcasm about how you expected one thing only to find another, or just being lazy?

  • Nick Cheronis

    It’s probably some liberal plot to spread disinformation Kyle. I heard the original Portal was buried at sea…

  • http://www.quartertothree.com Tom Chick

    Jason, I know enough Christians that I know better than to dismiss an entire religion as “facile morality”.

  • Alan Kleiman

    Do I spy an end-game Portal 2 spoiler? And not a warning in sight?

  • http://www.gamerblahhhg.com Brad Grenz

    Hey Tom, if you want to start the New Games Theocriticism you can count me in!

  • Teglement

    Yo guys, CCGR’er here, just coming to say that pointing out Jesus in Portal 2 is kinda like pointing out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a triathlon. Just something to think about.

  • http://www.quartertothree.com Tom Chick

    Teglement, I would agree with your analogy if the triathlon was called The Annual Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Triathlon. :) BTW, assuming by CCGRer, you mean Christ Centered Gamer in terms of the website, I hope those guys can take my comments in stride and aren’t insulted by them.

  • http://kennyyeager.wordpress.com Kenny Yeager

    Tom,

    I used to be one of this site’s chief reviewers and a key player in its review evolution (believe it or not, it’s come a long way). You might be surprised to know how much I agree with your criticisms. CCG’s reviews are, sadly, a missed opportunity. It’s the site’s chief goal to one-up the ESRB in providing information to objectionable content-concerned parents. To that end, they are at least somewhat successful. Unfortunately, the reviews really do come off as IGN with an extra scoring system (words do not adequately express my contempt for applying numerical values to objectionable material, by the way… nor how hard I tried to change the review philosophy entirely to something both meaningful and interesting, but I digress).

    You’re right about uninteresting reviews that fall into the same traps as the majority of the mainstream press. It’s the primary reason I left my post with the site. It really is a shame to see such potential wasted.

    For what it’s worth, I find your criticisms both fair and profitable.

    -Kenny

  • http://www.christcenteredgamer.com Cheryl

    Hey there. Cheryl, founder of CCG here. Sorry if our reviews have disappointed you. We try to review games from both a secular and a Christian standpoint and point out their strengths and moral downfalls. We don’t think it’s our job to tell readers what to play but let them know what’s in a game and let them decide for themselves if they want to buy it or not. I personally have bought one too many games that had content that I was not comfortable playing. I understand that people have different beliefs and convictions and I respect that. I don’t try to justify the games the we play by overlaying spiritual significance to them. It’s a good way to blow off some steam but some games are definitely more family friendly than others. Thanks for checking out the site regardless.
    God Bless!

    Cheryl

  • http://kennyyeager.wordpress.com Kenny Yeager

    And to that end, its purpose is legitimate and met. Didn’t mean to say otherwise. I do, however, find a great deal of merit in the idea of philosophical approaches to reviewing, especially with concern for connections to Christianity.

  • Cardiokid

    Wow. Tom, I’m blown away by the incredibly powerful and devastatingly prejudicial verbal sideswipes at us Christians. Whoda thunkit?

    True confession here–I’m not a gamer. Too busy with life. And I don’t do evaluative numerics very well, either. But simulacrum? Man. Tom, you must be really intelligent. Thanks for pointing out some truly valuable criticisms of CGR while you buried us poor noodle-heads with some seriously big words. Actually, your review was really well written, and I appreciate that you cared enough to write it.

    But your predisposition towards us Jesus followers probably would have given you other reasons to complain if you had found references to Jesus in Cheryl’s review.

    In my experience (and it has spanned several continents, languages and cultures), tarring whole groups with the same brush brings back bad memories of many iterations of people who played first-person shooter with millions of real people. For fun.

    So do try to pick your targets well. One day, you’ll meet up with the real Jesus, and I hope you’ll be ready to meet the one who wrote the rules to this game.

  • KeysE2s

    @ Cardio -
    What are you, new? It’s a well known fact that Tom hates Christians as much as he hates Mass Effect2.

  • Rimbo

    About the only thing really wrong with Tom’s comments above is, in the interests of full disclosure, Tom probably should’ve mentioned that he has a bit more than a passing knowledge of theology. :)

  • Rimbo

    Also, Cardiokid – I don’t see where Tom was making “devastatingly prejudicial verbal sideswipes at us Christians.” Since I’m one of “us Christians” myself. His comments seem pretty accurate to me.

  • Sander

    Tom, you’re asking for reviews that are filled with spoilers! Even in your rundown of what things in Portal 2 could be analogous to Christian imagery, you’re hinting spoilers!

  • http://www.quartertothree.com Tom Chick

    Kenny and Cheryl, thanks so much for your comments, and particular thanks to Cheryl for being so gracious. Cheryl, assuming you’re the one who wrote the Portal 2 review, you should give yourself a byline!

    If you don’t mind me asking, do you think I’m out of line expecting the sort of commentary I suggested? My thinking is that since the Gospel is such an important part of how you consider the world, shouldn’t it also be a part of how you consider games? You mention that you think of videogames as just a way to blow off Steam, but I would submit that some games — and I certainly think Portal 2 qualifies — deserve more serious consideration, and they can both inform and be informed by how you look at the world.

    For instance, if I read a review of Shift 2 from an actual race car driver, I expect something very different from a review written by someone who isn’t a race car driver. And that same line of thought can apply to other aspects of our identities. Consider someone who has a daughter. When he plays Bioshock 2, which is an excellent game, he sees it through different eyes, and can have a very different perspective on what makes it great. Or imagine a woman playing Bayonetta, who might consider the game’s concepts of sexuality differently than a man.

    As multifaceted and complicated human beings, these aspects of our identity are a valuable way to talk about our experiences, and that includes how we talk about videogames. Since you run a site that covers games from a Christ-centered perspective, I hope you’ll consider talking more about that perspective rather than limiting yourself to whether games are family friendly. Although I understand the connection, I can’t help but feel that “Christian” means so much more than “family friendly”, and that you’re making your writing less interesting by not addressing the subject more fully.

    Anyway, I really do appreciate you commenting and I hope I don’t come across as too presumptuous. I support what you’re doing even if I do wish you were doing it a bit differently. :)

  • http://www.gamerblahhhg.com Brad Grenz

    @Cardiokid: I think your opinion of the average Christian’s vocabulary is far more prejudicial and insulting against Christians than anything Tom said in his post above.

  • http://www.christcenteredgamer.com Cheryl

    Yeah Tom, I’m the one who wrote the Portal 2 review. I can totally see where you’re coming and what you’re looking for. Again, I’m sorry to disappoint. Right now we provide moral content that the ESRB doesn’t cover in games. For example the ESRB doesn’t care if there are pentagrams and upside down crosses in games where those images are very insulting to many Christians. That’s what we point out. Our reviews have evolved from being simple and straight to the point to where they are now a Christian slanted IGN variant etc. But to address the philosophical opinions you are seeking we are making slowly but steady progress into that arena. Our staff members have blogs where they can post their opinions without having to worry about slapping a moral score onto them. Maybe these blogs can open up pathways to intellectual observations in games and discussions. Thanks for the insight and ideas to pursue in the near future. You seem like a reasonable guy I’m sorry that I initially took offense to your article given it’s title. I hope we have a better understanding of each other.

    God Bless!

    Chreyl

    P.S. I did comment in my Bioshock review how I was uncomfortable killing little children given that I was the mother of two little girls at the time….

  • Cardiokid

    Rimbo, Tom, Brad and Cheryl, thanks for your responses. Rimbo, thanks for your corrective remarks. Keys, I am “new” to this site (not being a gamer), and I surely failed to reflect the kind of attitude toward Tom that I expect of myself. No excuses. Just blew it.

    Tom, I apologize to you for my sarcasm. BTW, I really appreciated the tone of your response to Cheryl, and agree that there should be a way for her to put what she believes as a Christian into her reviews without apology. Of course, if she does that, somebody else even less gracious than I will whack her for that… It’s one of those no-win things that all of us encounter, no matter what our theological position.

    Thanks, too, for not rising to the bait and going all gansta on me, Tom. You’ve given me a good example of grace. Have a great week, all of you.

  • KeysE2s

    @ Tom -
    I just took a look at Pluggedin.com–Focus On The Family’s review site–and it’s fairly pedestrian as well. If James Dobson’s folks can’t see their way clear to get worked up about all the commandment breaking and sorcery that are in Dragon Age or Mortal Kombat, who will? Not that I’m implying that CCGR is as politically or socially motivated as FFOTF, but perhaps the tenor of the at-large faith-based game review community is driven less by ideology/theology and more by “the market”. Let’s face it: gamers as a whole tend to have a pretty narrow taste in critique (present company excluded). Dare I remind you of “Killzone 2 and the Five Foot Stare?” Maybe there just aren’t enough eyeballs looking for something other than a utilitarian shakedown of the latest titles. Obviously QT3 seems to be doing well, but maybe when you take that group of gaming malcontents and subtract for non-Christians, or non-Republicans, or non-bassoonists, there simply isn’t enough market share to attract ad revenue.

  • http://www.christcenteredgamer.com Cheryl

    Hey Tom I think I found the site you’re looking for..Tetris is evil and Minecraft is Christian in origin

    http://objectiveministries.org/zounds/gaming.html

  • arakyd

    Great chunks of modern evangelicalism are nothing more than marketing and customer retention strategies for social clubs based around Jesus as a magic talismen for preserving the appearance of wholesome middle class values. They take their product for granted, compete with other Christians on the basis of their ability to attract new customers, desperately try to keep up with yesterday’s social trends, and generally manage to be stunningly mediocre at everything they do. Not everyone mind you, just the vast majority.

  • Kelly Wand

    History repeats itself: 1000 years ago, Norsemen complained that Thortal 2 was 100% Thor-free. If that helps.

  • http://www.quartertothree.com Tom Chick

    Mr. Kid, no worries! I’ve had far worse. I also understand how Christians are often unfairly characterized (including some really disappointing comments in this thread) so it’s often safe to assume the worst. But thanks for the apology.

    Cheryl, that site hurts my eyes! Argh, all that green! :) Do you know Richard Clark’s site, Christ and Pop Culture? They cast a much wider net than you guys, and I know the site mainly from a laidback podcast Rich used to do. But I think they have a good handle on how to make it interesting for secular readers like me. Not that you should make that your mandate, and I’ll be sure to check out your blogs, but you might take a look at the site if you get a chance.

  • http://www.quartertothree.com Tom Chick

    Cheryl, having now read that Minecraft review, that was pretty entertaining! Thanks for the link.

  • someone

    Hey Tom, you are giving away your big secret of having a theology degree. I guess only a game reviewer with a theology degree would be capable of writing this article. I wonder how many such qualified individuals there are? Judging by the relative incompatibility of the two criteria, I am guessing the answer is one. Tom, you are the one.

  • http://www.christcenteredgamer.com Cheryl
  • http://www.christandpopculture.com/ Richard Clark

    @Tom – Thanks so much for the comments about Christ and Pop Culture!

    I agree wholeheartedly with you, Tom, that a site with “Christ” in the name (hey let’s start a club or something) probably should make that an essential part of the content. It’s one of the “rules” we provide for our writers, that every post should be about both “Christ” and “Pop Culture” in some sense. It’s not really a moral issue for us, as much as it is an issue of knowing the audience. After all, they’d go to any other review site to get something else – there are even other sites like Plugged In, etc. that provide moral analysis of games.

    My humble opinion is that any site whose solitary or primary purpose is all about 1-uping the ESRB on moral content analysis probably shouldn’t make a big deal about “Christ” in the title. Tom’s right in saying that actual Christianity doesn’t have quite as much to do with obsessing over morality as it does with living in light of creation, the fall, and grace. The gospel, in other words.

    On the other hand, I did find most of Tom’s suggestions in the actual post to be a bit of a stretch – I prefer to deal with a game on its own terms, addressing the themes that are meant to be included, or at least dealing with the reasons why it might resonate with us as human beings.

    Sometimes this means talking about morality, but not to say “warning this game contains ______.” In fact, I will often praise a game for its unflinching portrayal of immorality. Like someone said earlier, gamers can decide for themselves whether a game is going to “make them stumble”, and writing to that point can get kind of old. I find it much more rewarding and helpful to discuss games I am already playing and thoughtfully consider their implications and resonance.

    I appreciate sites like Christ-Centered Gamer because I think it’s important that there is such a thing as a “Christ-Centered Gamer”. I recognize they have good intentions. I just think that those intentions are a little bit misguided.

  • http://www.christcenteredgamer.com Cheryl

    The site name has a bit of a history to it. My original domain is ccgr.org and I bought that domain calling the site Christian Computer Game Reviews…then console gaming took off. I then changed the name to Christ Centered Game Reviews I could only do so much with that acronym. I was later sent a game to review and they addressed it to Chirst Centered Gamer and I liked that name and bought the domain and got it and felt that it covered a broader range than just computer and console game reviews. We also host Christian Game Servers too.

    In Him,
    Cheryl

  • Caleb Bridge

    Is this more the sort of review you were looking for?

    http://www.thecrossandthecontroller.com/tcatccom/Review.aspx?ReviewID=48

  • http://www.TheCrossAndTheController.com Joshua Wise

    Hey Tom,

    As a fellow “repostee” on Kotaku, I was pleased to see this up there. If you’re interested in a view of Portal 2 with those kind of views, you should check out Steven Stitely’s column about it this week on The Cross And the Controller. You can find it here: Achievement Unlocked: Found the Target

    Our site actually tries to do a bit of what you described, though we don’t always go in for just Bible images, as we attempt to use Christian Theology as well.

    Thanks for pointing to this site as well, never heard of it.

  • avion

    You can be christian without being a fundamentalist evangelical\puritan stuck in the middle ages.

  • neothoron

    Though that blog is not updated very often, I believe you may find it interesting – on account of trying to discuss christianism and video games side by side.

    http://catholicvideogamers.blogspot.com/

  • ot925
  • Toohoo

    This is so true. Most reviews I read seem to read more like a synopsis, made with a series of blanket statements. Reviews are an evaluation, and every teacher who I’ve ever had has told me ‘When writing you an evaluation, you don’t get any marks unless you explain why something is good/bad’

  • Mikee

    Interesting article. Try gamechurch.com

  • Reclaimer105

    I realize I’m running across this post really late, but I just wanted to say that I have some Jesus-related thoughts on the Portal games at my blog if you want to check the out.

    http://reclaimer105.wordpress.com/games/valve-games/