Reported! The conspiracy was a conspiracy!

, | Games

Listen, what I have to tell you right now must be kept in the strictest confidence. They are onto me, I can feel it. They have spies everywhere. They are legion. Soon they will overtake me and it will be as if I was never here, as if I had never spoken nor written a word. I’m talking about the front page articles, of course. What did you think I was talking about? Grab a tinfoil hat and let’s do this. Mine’s the one with the propeller sticking out of the top. Let’s blow the lid off the whole damned thing!

After the jump through the blue portal, Sony kills Osama bin Laden to cover up Donald Trump’s forged copy of Brave New World.

I know I have already mentioned Sony and ridiculed them at length over the PSN security breach, but I am more than willing to beat a dead HRose if every lash provides the kind of laffs this epic tale of woe does on a daily basis. I mean it takes balls to admit a week later all the personal customer data you claimed was untouched is probably ok and then a few days later admit it was likely fondled like a 13 year old boy’s privates at summer camp. That’s right, I said using the Playstation Network is like boytouching, I dare you to disagree. At the time of this writing, PSN still only has limited functionality…which means it’s just like it used to be. Heyooooooooo!

Recent forensic evidence suggests casual Steam usage may make a segment of the population profoundly retarded. Their brains turn into chopped spoofy, which has the consistency (and smell) of a bowl of tapioca pudding left inside a rugby team’s locker room in the middle of summer. I don’t know what else to say about people who lose their shit over a game dropping in price. That’s unheard of! Why I never (read an Enidigm post without wanting to jam a screwdriver into my jugular vein)!

Fuck IGN with a gay dinosaur. Really, guys? Really? IGN was never the last bastion of gaming journalism, but if integrity was an orchestra IGN would be a quartet of kazoos blown through a hobo’s ass cheeks. Someone needs to drop the internet equivalent of a Chernobyl meltdown sarcophagus on IGN before nearby sites become irradiated with megadoses of kiladumbs and all their shame falls out.

Holy shit Spiderweb Software is still making games! Sweet! It’s like 1998 never ended.

Summer of 2011 movie fest: if it’s not a sequel, you’re doing it wrong.

Brian Rubin is moved to rail against the wheels of internet injustice over the recent spoiling of the spoiler-free Game of Thrones thread. Forget it Brian; it’s Chinatown. If Chinatown were full of impulsive petulant autistics instead of opium-huffing Mongols, anyway.

P&R. Sigh. The other day I was reading P&R and contemplating ritual suicide by immolation when I was interrupted by The History Channel (Now With 13% More Hitler!) and a documentary about the fall of the Cherokee I wondered giddily if they were still taking reservations for the Trail of Tears. Watching Known Qt3 Idiots Brettmcd, Nitram Draw and Andy Bates argue for the Birther conspiracy is like watching a retard try to make a spaceship out of his own drool.

Osama Bin Laden is dead. If this news doesn’t make you feel the way the world felt when Hitler was killed, you are a broken and terrible person and you should despise yourself. Osama didn’t like you. He hated that you spend Fridays eating Doritos by the bagful, play Crysis 2 on your new PC, jerk off to porn with questionable subject matter and think of a way to slam me with a Godwin’s Rule comment just now because I mentioned Hitler twice already. Actually, I hate you for the same reasons. But I digress.

Speaking of Hitler, Shanadeus. Folks, if you ever realize that you’ve written something like this:

This would save society a great deal of time in money as humans in possession of wombs will no longer have to get impregnated in order for society to maintain our numbers and propel our species forward. For an example, these womb carriers wouldn’t cease to work for a number of months due to the side-effects of using their organic womb to create a child.

Report to the nearest genetic cleansing camp. If there isn’t one near you I will build you one. That’s how I show my love.

I have yet to mention the I’m Drunk thread and it’s high time (geddit) because this boozy rant by Balasarius is comedy gold. I’d sell all your Shit-phenol stock if I were you.

That’s all the impotent vitriol I have for this week. On your way to the wet bar stop by Speaks With Bread’s Name My Band thread and suggest something clever (so I can laugh at it).

Mad props to Qt3’s own Sparky for the new column image!

Want more Bill Dungsroman? Get it at The Frip and the Dead.