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Trevor, Angel of Death
by Tom Chick
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"Okay," Trevor announces, making a beeline for the Funions,
"We're good to go."
"We want to play Unreal Tournament," Jude says, "We
took a vote." Although there was no such vote, Jude's comment
isn't so much a lie as a prediction.
"We're not playing Unreal Tournament," Trevor says, "Unreal
Tournament is no good anymore. Real weapons are where it's at. Everyone
knows if you get shot with a Heckler and Koch AK-47, you should
go down. I know this for a fact because I've read Tom Clancy, Blackhawk
Down, all that stuff. But what kind of fakey game is it where you
get shot with a frigging Plasma Rifle and you don't die? Huh? A
Plasma Rifle, for chrissake. Do you guys even know what plasma is?"
We look at each other. No one knows what plasma is.
"What is it?" Jude asks.
"Isn't the sun made of it?" Peter asks.
"I don't know for sure," Trevor says, "I think so.
At any rate, it's really hot. At the very least, it's going to have
the same effect as someone splashing you with hot coffee. But in
Unreal Tournament, it's just a love tap gun. And bio sludge? I don't
know what bio sludge is either, but if I threw a wad of bio sludge
in your face, you wouldn't just keep on coming. I tell you what."
"Isn't plasma blood?" Peter offers.
"No," Trevor says, "that's blood you're thinking
of. Blood is blood."
"You know, you're right about the weapons," Jude says,
"So we vote for Rogue Spear."
"No, no. This game makes Rogue Spear look like Mattel's Barbie
Fashion Designer for Pre-Teen Girls."
"How do you know about these Barbie and Mary Kate and Ashley
games?" Jude asks.
"It makes Rogue Spear look like the Power Puff Girls Flower
Power Spring Training Action Game. Here, look at this." Trevor
flips to the back of the manual and hands it to us. "Look there.
Daryl F. Gates is listed as a consultant. You guys know who he is?
He's the chief of police of the Los Angeles Police Department. He
fucking invented SWAT."
"It says he's retired," Peter says, looking at the credits
in the manual.
"I guess he was getting too old for this shit," Jude
quips.
"Actually," I point out, "he was pretty much forced
out after the Rodney King beatings and the riots."
"Didn't he do a talk radio show?" Peter asks.
"Yeah, I think it was cancelled."
"Hey, can we play the Larry King first person shooter after
this?" Jude asks.
"Jeez, you guys haven't even tried SWAT 3 and you're already
slamming it," Trevor says, "I tried it at work and I'm
telling you, it makes Rogue Spear look like the Hello Kitty Dress
Up Salon and Gown Boutique."
"Does it use the same keys as Rogue Spear?" Peter asks
with a worried look.
"Yeah, pretty much. I'm not sure how you pick your weapons,
but you guys can look it up while I start a game."
"You said you tried it at work," I remind him.
"No, I said I installed it at work.
"I thought you said you tried it."
"No, I just installed it. I didn't get to actually play, because
my boss didn't leave as early as he usually does."
"You haven't even played it?"
"No, not in the literal sense of the word. How hard can it
be?"
Cont'd
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