The Flight-Sim Follies

Written by Chase "Scharmers" Dahl
March, 2003

Disclaimer: All information presented in this column should either be considered as satire or opinion only. No guarantee should be assumed that any of the material in the Follies is accurate, consistent, or even funny. All copyrights and trademarks used in this column are properties of their original owners and are used for informational purposes only. Please direct all comments, concerns, hate mail, and flames to scharmers@hotmail.com.

Welcome to the show that never ends. Hello and welcome back to the Flight-Sim Follies - the web's premiere (and only) satire column covering flight simulations. I am your host, Chase "Scharmers" Dahl, and I've been writing this column for roughly three years now off-and-on. I am the master of consistency, run-on sentences, and digging out all the wonderful unpleasantness that relates to a bunch of computer nerds pretending that they are pilots. So strap it on and ride, baby!

I love my wonderful fans. Because of this deep, honest, wholesome, manly love I hold for the flight-sim community, I recommenced the Follies back in January. Although the feedback I received about the reemergence of the Follies (in its beta form) was uniformly positive, there were a few sour apples in the bunch I don't count in the "uniformly positive" side of the ledger. Interestingly enough, these gentle critiques covered similar ground, and nearly all read like the following hypothetical missive:

"Dear Scharmers,

How are you? I am fine.

I have decided that you are a faggot. I have come to this obvious conclusion thanks to the wealth of evidence you provided in the Jan. 2003 Follies; namely, you mistook 'SP3' for 'RP3'. Any creature with even the least-evolved limbic system is aware of the enormous differences. Falcon SP3 was created by luminous, wondrous beings of pure energy, wisdom, and kindness. RP3 was created, or shall we say 'whelped', by the type of individual who is routinely gang-raped by his fellow inmates because of the abject disgust and loathing said individual creates amongst his violent peers. SP3 (and soon, SP4) stands as the pinnacle of achievement in community Falcon 4.0 modifications; RP3 has been delegated to the colon of history.

This mistake clearly unveils your alternative lifestyle. Not that there is anything wrong with that - some of my best friends are queens, and I'm not bigoted - but in your case I'll make the exception.

Sincerely,

F4UT Member."

Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my mistake: confusing one obtuse Falcon 4.0 modification based on stolen source code for another. I must say that I am looking forward to the F4UT's RP4, and the additional keystrokes (CTRL-ALT-PGDN-KP9-RIGHT_SHIFT-A) necessary to start the KFS-3000 tachyon modulator at take-off. Salute!

Money located where mouth should be. It should be clear to everyone that I'm not much of a deep thinker when it comes to writing the Follies. I leave that up to my readers. Alex "In Nearly Every Follies" Pavloff is one such reader. This guy is always thinking stuff up that goes way over my head until he brings it to my attention. His latest note about my last Follies is no exception.

"Maybe one day I will play a flight sim again. Until then, I'm just going to have to read about the whacky antics of companies with no money from you. And hey, why don't you have a blog? Screw this "updated every now and then" thing, I want biting sarcasm every hour of every day with lots of bold text please. Then my life would be complete."

Gosh, now I have that vague sense of guilt again. Thanks, Alex. He's right - it is pretty limp-wristed to make fun of losing companies like Mad Doc (Jane's Fighter Squandered), Strategy First (average review score of numerous SF products in the January Computer Games magazine: 1.5), and the now bankrupt PlayNet. This guilt made me ponder my purpose in life. Am I just a gadfly, endlessly criticizing masterpieces that I could never hope to create myself? I like to think not! In fact, I've finally decided to put my money where my mouth is, and make my own flight sim: SCHARMERS X-TREME FLIGHT COMBAT PROJECT X SQUADRON! Here's a screenshot exclusive to the Follies - prepare to get all worked up and stuff!